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Friday, February 24, 2012

You Won't Need Your Brain for This; or Spreadsheets Are Totally Dope

Another day, another dollar, maybe dollar-and-a-half richer, and where are we?

Ladies and gentlemen, the end of the week arriveth, and the excitement is palpable. Will the downstairs neighbors continue in their scrumptious offerings of home-made treats? Will the cat upstairs ever stop screaming? Will my supply of tequila hold out?

And what about Naomi?

For answers to this and much, much more, let us consult the iPod, shall we?

As I do every Friday, I cling to the idea that the morning’s playlist during my commute has prophetic portents.

Shhh.  Listen.

You Cheated Me by Martha Wainwright
16 Horsepower by Black Soul Choir
La Fiesta by Maynard Ferguson
Halfway Home by TV on the Radio
Vincent by Don McLean
Bird on a Wire by Leonard Cohen

Ah.  So it is like every other weekend:  the pursuit of passion, of purity of purpose, of perfect possibilities and personal ponderings.

Man, I need a nap.

You may have noticed, after all, that my eyes have recently taken on the gleaming, wide-eyed appearance of a West Coast game show contestant.

Welcome, one and all, to today’s episode of Bring Me a Rock, a mid-level office-drone game designed to mesmerize, stun, and/or transfix the lucky player into a state of bloodshot hypnosis.

Which, if you ask me, is the only way to work full-time.

What’s that?  You want to play, too?  Oh, you adorably foolish little worker bee.  Come.  Sit here, next to me.  No, no, no; there’s no need to bring your brain.  Let’s set that in my lunch bag, next to the jello there.  Your brain isn’t green, is it?  Good.  Then there will be no chance that we’ll mix those two up later…

You’re going to need some things.  Firstly, and foremostly, you’re going to need a spreadsheet.  Let’s use mine, shall we?  See how there are 3000-some lines?  We’re going to sort it: first by work group, then by sales rep, then we’re going to cross-reference it by toothpick vs. floss preference.

And now, we’re going to run through it, line by line, looking for mis-matched information.

I hope you’ve brought comfortable pants.  We’re gonna be here awhile.

Word of advice:  The faster you go, looking simply for differences in cell size, the faster it gets done.

As my brother used to say, we’re not paintin’ the Mona Lisa here.

Scroll!  Scroll, my pretties!

Wheee!  The data just flies by!  We’re going to have this done in just a -- Hold on there.  What was that?  Back up.

Nope.  Sorry.  My mistake.  Scroll on.

It’s about on the 500th, 700th line that things really start getting hinky.  Ha! Ha! Look at you.  What’s up with your eyes, anyway?  Why are you holding them so wide?  What do you mean, “because you are”?  I am not!  Oh, wait.  I guess I am.  Ha ha.  I hadn’t noticed that before.

Hey.  Look away from the screen quick, then look back and blink your eyes open and closed really fast.  Isn’t that funny?  Spreadsheet strobelight.  Don’t let HR catch you doing that, though.

Suspicious little group.

Hey.   You keep scrolling through the data, and I’m gonna flick the lights in the office off and on really fast.  Do you think anyone would notice if we YouTubed a little Ted Nugent?  Seriously, wouldn’t Stranglehold sound really good right now?

Suddenly I have the urge for a pizza and a six-pack of Mountain Dew. 

Look.  Why don’t you finish up, and I’ll go see if that cute guy in Editing wants to join us for lunch.

What do you mean it’s not anywhere near lunchtime?

Am I the only one around here that could use a break?

41 comments:

Symdaddy said...

Oh spreadsheets!

I get sooooo excited just thinking about them. I would go to bed with my laptop if only I had one or two more spreadsheets on there.

Shelly said...

I see a role for the Chore Monkey here. Heck, I bet even the Chore Possum could do this, but then where would all the fun be for the worker?

Pearl said...

Sym, Speaking of bed, I wonder if they make fitted spreadsheets?

Shelly, the Chore Possum. :-) I'll bet she'd do a great job!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

This is your brain. This is your brain on spreadsheets. This is your brain in a cup beside my cup of jello. Ooops...well...you didn't need that anyway did you?

Glen said...

hmmmmmmmmmm Friday Excel eyes. oh yeah, I got me some of those babies too.

The Jules said...

It might be cells full of data now, but I remember when this were all fields.

Pearl said...

Delores, it's delicious, you know. Put a li'l dollop of whipped cream on your brain and it's a light and tasty snack!

Glen, Excel Eyes. I like that.

SparkleFarkle said...

*surveys the goings-on in the SparkleFarkle kingdom, then sighs with gusto* Your playlist nails my world perfectly. *gives the situation another gander I've got a great idea: from this moment on, today's all day is lunchtime!

Pearl said...

Jules, you clever SOB you. :-)

Pearl said...

Sparkle! Snacks for everyone (brains optional). :-)

Leenie said...

That's why I tell everyone I'm a graphic artist. I only use the right side of my brain. My left brain is dead. When I look at spreadsheets my head tells me my computer is broken and I reboot. My computer says "Thank you."

Vincent was driving his 16 Horsepower scooter back from La Fiesta because he was Tired of Being Alone nobody there would talk to him. He was Halfway Home when he crashed. He was distracted by a Bird on a Wire. (That was really, bad. Sorry, order some tequila for Naomi)

Leenie said...

Crap! I forgot to use "You Cheated Me."

Daisy said...

I love going to work with you Pearl!

Sausage Fingers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sausage Fingers said...

Stranglehold - the night I crushed your face.
A man that takes your second amendment a wee bit too far eh!
for me it is the right to wear a tank top (not wife beater) this weekend since it is a balmy 82 degrees...now that is what I call a right to bare arms..
cheers, Sausage...

Simply Suthern said...

Bring me a rock sounds more fun. At least you get some fresh air.

Amy said...

My Friday confession: I don't know how to make a spreadsheet, and I am completely impressed by those who can! Even my kids' allowance charts are done by hand, I still own a ruler! Shhh! Don't tell anyone, everyone still thinks I am smart.

Kara said...

Arrrgh! That sounds positively and profoundly painful.

Tom G. said...

And this is why I just scheduled an Eye Exam at Lenscrafters for my lunch hour.

Well, that and the fact that the boss lady is taking a vacation day. If only I'd have thought to bring the dry cleaning this morning. Ah well, I need to save something for next week.

Tom G. said...

Also, if I had to listen to Vincent and Bird on a Wire back to bath, I'd be drawing a warm bath and sharpening my razor.

Tom G. said...

Jokes tend to lose a little something when you spell things rong.

Roshni said...

I'll join you for that a pizza and a six-pack of Mountain Dew any time!!

Silliyak said...

If there were an ant crawling across the screen or page, you could exclaim Excel Ant!

jenny_o said...

"...the pursuit of passion, of purity of purpose, of perfect possibilities and personal ponderings."

Awesome alliteration!

And the brain bit was delicious - figuratively speaking, that is :)

Belle said...

Deadly. Maybe your brain is green by the end of the day.

Pat Tillett said...

I hate to say it, but I LOVE me some spreadsheets. But I only loved me own... They really helped me out at work. There was this one engineer (industrial type), who made the cells and characters so small that I could barely see them. He loved torturing the rest of us, just because his 20/10 eyesight allowed him to read it.

Bodacious Boomer said...

Hinky. I love that word; and it's so underused.

goatman said...

You could put your tunes on "Playlist" then we all could enjoy them.
Just a thought from a passing stranger.

Mr. Charleston said...

Seems to me prophetic of a pretty damned eclectic weekend. May I suggest drugs? Thanks for the Al Green.

Kleinste Motte said...

Floss and toothpicks categories had me chuckling.
The time at a spreadsheet will improve with voice over. Maybe the iPod mic can then help out?
Have a great break over the weekend.

Tracy Jo said...

LOL! Suspicious little group. :-) Happy weekend!

Susan Kane said...

What if your group invested in a super-large package of Depends? They are on sale at Wal Mart.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Pearl I've been called an air head before you know...

Gigi said...

Spreadsheets - ARRRGGGH!

And that is why I work in the legal department. Very little use for spreadsheets there.

Murr Brewster said...

You know what? I don't really, exactly, precisely, know what a spreadsheet is, or what sort of stuff you might put in it. Don't tell anybody. Does this make me an idiot, or sort of enviable? Or both?

esbboston said...

There is a saying in my business, "Never send a spreadsheet to do a database's job" ... Hold that thought, what business am I in now?

the walking man said...

You know you just gave me an idea for cubicle/office personell..start your own custom line of bedding imprinted with spreadsheets (get it?) and a sticky note sized duvet with illegible handwriting on it. You'll be a billionaire before you know it because after that much staring at anything you just know it haunts the dreams and when said person wakes up under a sticky not shaped blanket on top of a spreadsheet (get it?) they'll know it wasn't a nightmare, just simple reality.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, spread some of that green brain goo on vanilla ice cream you have melting in your bottom left desk drawer, and paste the rest on the spreadsheet, that's what spreadsheets are for.

Dry it for two hours while you're off to lunch testing tequila and ogling the servers, and when you get back, the bottom line should be dry enough to read a gazillion zeros and 1's in long, long, wiggly rows, which will secretly cloud-translate to "Department 51, Lunacy is fun".
If you are a lert, you will quickly send that accomplishment with a dire recommendation to HR (copy the boss) that according to the new and proven test results, you should get a promotion, raise and 4 weeks extra paid vacation. Doing so will also prove you shouldn't be pink-slipped and replaced by corn-likker imbibers with blue or red brain-guck that always want 3 hours for lunch.
Talking tequila smartly will get them to hire Wall-e to supervise some minions for you, too, didn't 'cha know that?
You can train those newbie cosmic spreadsheeters for say five, ten minutes until they turn regular green and no longer glow. Keep in mind that should be prior to departure on your all-Hawaian cruise, all paid for, mind you, but if you forget, text'em on your Raspberry.
Bon voyage! When you return your new penthouse corner office will be waiting for you.
Now THAT'S how to use spreadsheets. ":)

Nance said...

This post reminds me of why I was willing to sit in a chair eight hours a day and listen to people say, "I just can't BELIEVE he/she/they did so-and-so! To ME!," as opposed to doing something related to bid'ness. I'm not exactly sure I've properly identified what a spreadsheet is, but I can spot a phony recovered memory at fifty paces.

River said...

I like the spreadsheet bedsheets idea mentioned in a couple of other comments, I think they'd make great conversation starters as curtains.

SOL's view said...

I like your Friday Prophetic Playlist. Very eclectic bunch of songs you have on your iPod there. :)