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Friday, February 3, 2012

You Can Take Her With You, But You Probably Shouldn’t

What, Friday? Again?! Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the day where I foist, upon the unsuspecting readers of my blog, my demented belief that my iPod foretells the future.

What? Well of course it’s true! Would I say it if it weren’t? My iPod, set on “shuffle” and played during my morning commute has all the fresh, oracle-y powers of, say, a tea cup’s up-ended remnants or the jumbled spattering of rolled chicken bones…

Just watch.

Speed King by Deep Purple
Voodoo Cadillac by Southern Culture on the Skids
Two Against One by Danger Mouse (feat. Jack White)
L.O.V. by Fitz & The Tantrums
D is for Dangerous by Arctic Monkeys
Tiger Mountain Peasant Song by Fleet Foxes*
Theme from The Tiki Wonder Hour by Combustible Edison
Everybody Knows by Leonard Cohen

And there you have it. Avoid cars, the alphabet, hippies, and anything to do with brooding consciousness.

You can thank me later. I would not look askance at an offer of a free beer.

So! Do we have time for a cat story?

Because Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is an absolute hoot, albeit a cruel one.

“Don’t look,” she hisses, her paw covering her mouth as she sips delicately from the Mai Tai she insists she have with lunch. “But I think I saw that woman over there suspended by guy wires and sandwiched between Mighty Mouse and a high school marching band at the last Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.”

Of course this sort of thing always makes me spit my beer out with laughter, even if it is inappropriate.

But what do you want from the world’s most dangerous kitteh?

For she truly is dangerous.

How else would I describe her, aside from “dangerous”? She is a small-pawed and symmetrically-striped kitty, a stealthy and bright-eyed kitty, a kitty capable of lifting your wallet while winding herself about your ankles.

A kitty with sharp eyes and a sharp tongue.

Sure we’ve had our issues. She has repeatedly cost me money (usually in the form of financial settlements in lieu of litigation) and she once dangled a gerbil on a string out the front window just to see how high the neighborhood cats could jump (for the record, the answer would be “quite high, really”).

We are sitting at Psycho Suzi’s, on the Tiki Deck. Summer has arrived, and with it Liza Bean’s penchant for umbrella-ed drinks. She sips, the straw held delicately between her little black lips. Tiny white teeth appear and disappear as she talks around the straw.

“I mean, really,” she says. “Are those pajama bottoms? One goes out in public, and one dresses for the occasion.” She laughs behind one well-manicured paw. “How much will you give me to go over there and tell her naptime’s over?”

How much will I give her? Nothing, of course, as I’m afraid she’ll do it for free.

The last fight she got in cost me the money I was saving for a flatscreen TV.

“Oh, never mind,” she purrs. “It’s too lovely a day.” Her eyes, half-lidded in the afternoon sun, glow an emerald green.

“We have cream at home, don’t we? I do so enjoy a little cream in the afternoon.” She sighs. “I just love these little outings. We really should do this more often.”


* Feeling mellow? This is a nice mellow song.

28 comments:

Glen said...

It's not called "being catty" for nothing -- they do love to bitch... Happy Weekend you

Shelly said...

For some reason, Liza Bean reminds me of a feline Joan Rivers, down to the scandalous trouble she is always getting into.

Mellow I am today- I will look for that song during lunch. Ahhh.

esbboston said...

I am not sure. I will have to re-read this after coffee. But zzzIzzz I reaLLy want to go back to sleep after the most aMaZing dream almosta ever. Which I can't tell you about. Except in it I got to hear a former coworker crack up laughing and see him smile. He was always the life of the party.

Symdaddy said...

That kitty is the baddest there is. You sure she aint a doggy in disguise?

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I think I'm going to find myself a VooDoo Cadillac and play a little chicken. Anyone know a kitteh who's up for the ride?

Robbie Grey said...

The shuffle function can be fun...I likes me a good trainwreck.

R. Jacob said...

A cold beer is always at the ready for you. And while you are up could you bring me one too?

ray

Eva Gallant said...

It's so neat that I've been to Psycho Suzie's and can picture the two of you on the Tiki Deck!

darlin said...

I only wish my textbooks read like your cat stories; I might stay glued to them until they were done, as I do with your cat stories. I LOVE them, you make them come to life. I can picture the kitteh starting a fight, blowing off her well manicured nails, sitting back and putting her shades back on as if it were nothing at all to be concerned about.

Fantastic writing, and no listening to music here for me, not at the rate they gouge for internet here in Australia!

fishducky said...

I'd like to invite you & Miss Liza Bean Bitey ( of the Minneapolis Biteys) to join me for a drink. She wouldn't talk about me if I'm sitting right there, would she?

jenny_o said...

It's all fine and dandy for a kitteh to say that one must dress for the occasion when one goes out ... a fur coat rarely goes amiss :)

NotesFromAbroad said...

Oh Gawd I miss having a kitteh to sit and be catty with at lunch .. with a drink .. umbrella optional.

As to music, Leonard My Man, is good any day of the week, I have been listening to Dance Me To The End Of Love every day for a few minutes just to keep me from throwing myself out the window.

and maybe my "roots" are calling me but the theme song to True Blood appeals ..

Happy Weekend Pearl, besitos

Rita said...

New Leonard fan. Well, an old new Leonard fan.
Catty cats. What can you expect. ;)

jabblog said...

I sipped my gin and tonic as I read this and I feel really relaxed now. Liza Bean is such an entertaining cat, though I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of those beautifully manicured paws.

CarrieBoo said...

Oh no... my life revolves around the alphabet. I'm doomed!

Damn, that is one baaaaad mother-catter.

Pat Tillett said...

Oh the attitude of that feline!
Really good Pearl!

Al Penwasser said...

Okay, not a comment about the blog, per se (which I loved, by the way), but I have a comment about the "Write Hard" button on the right. I thought that only worked if you're writing a porno?

angela said...

ahhh nothing like a cold beer on a warm day. Kitty sounds interesting too! thanks for visiting my blog I'll pop over and visit again.

Suldog said...

Sounds like a very fast and somewhat dangerous weekend ahead. I assume the result of the Super Bowl is somehow foretold here, also? Hmmmmmm. Kickoff return for a touchdown; a cursed blue-chip player (Gronkowski?); a wide receiver double-teamed (Cruz?);, lots of love (albeit without an "E") for somebody, but then something very chancy happens; then I don't know; I don't know again, but then Everybody Knows! Sounds about right.

Teresa Evangeline said...

I do like the "recommended" song. Reminds me a bit of My Morning Jacket. Now I want to sit on the Tiki Deck, maybe a little Sex on the Beach at Psycho Suzi's. Summer, where are youuuu....

Belle said...

Liza Bean reminds me of a friend I had at church - minus the liquor.

NotesFromAbroad said...

Did I mention it is Summer here ?
Hot hot hot and sultry ... let me know if any little catties want to come visit ..

Buckeroomama said...

Catty, catty, catty!

Pat said...

I adore Liza Bean and think she warrants a book all to herself. How about it Missus?

vanilla said...

Never a dull moment when that Cat is around!

sage said...

I had a cat once, she was a great cat but I'm glad to be back with a dog again! He ain't nearly as moody.

Dominic Rivron said...

I'm reminded of how people used to to tell the future by looking at animal's entrails (haruspicy, apparently). Perhaps we should take mallets to mobile phones if we want to know what lies ahead. :)

Susan in the Boonies said...

I hate to say this, and I know I'm not the first, but...

the cat's catty.