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Monday, February 20, 2012

What We Need is a Hard Freeze, or Look Away! I'm Hideous!

You should see me when I’m sick.

If you’re into people who lose their train of thought and gaze off into space, say “what?” a lot, and can’t be trusted to run numbers sequentially, I’m the chick for you.

I keed! I keed!

I’m not really a chick.

True, I’ve been going to work, as is the American Way; and I’m still writing well-thought-out, engaging pizzas with hairy an error, but that’s only because I’ve willfully let go of my zip code and my shoe size in order to accompany such a brain-cell expenditure.

It started a couple days ago. Apparently my head has had a falling out with the rest of my body, the result of which is the impression, at least internally, of my head having become twice its original size.

As you can imagine, this has led to the appearance of me being quite slender.

I’m stoked.

But now that I’ve got a giant head I can’t really think with and a much smaller body by comparison, I find I’m not feeling well enough to truly enjoy either.

So as much as it pains me to admit it, I'm sick.

My parents, of course, would not understand. “Sick” happened to other people, probably lazy, slovenly people who didn’t know when to come in from the rain.

You may be too sick to go to school, missy, but you are never too sick to push a vacuum.

Luckily, Intern Boy -- former cube mate, early-morning nodder, and Man of a Thousand Khakis -- has departed, and so there's no one here to infect. IB (we got close, near the end) will soon be replaced by another intern, an eager, fresh-out-of-college woman with a mind ready to mold.

I shall crush her.

Until her arrival, however, I'll be down here, at the 48th floor dead-end, surreptitiously sniffling and gazing at the world through half-lidded eyes.

Happy Monday. Send soup and blankies.

52 comments:

Charlotte Ann said...

Oh Pearl, I don't want to pour more rain on your sick parade BUT that stuff takes a long time to get rid of. Finally my lungs are clearing up and the sinuses are empty and there isn't a built in echo chamber in my head. Hang in there...you will eventually feel better...I promise.

esbboston said...

No, you have it wrong. From a distance you will look thinner with a bigger head. ... now back to the rest of your post ....

esbboston said...

You are my hero, now I must go find something to do surreptitiously, of course, after I look up the definition.

My plumbers are finished ... they couldn't find anything to fix.

Rita said...

Sorry you're miserable. Hope you feel better right quick. Glad you haven't lost your sense of humor. :)

Pearl said...

Kind words, all. :-)

The inside of my head itches. ACK.

Shelly said...

Dagnabbit- I wish you had a dose of the salty sea air and beautiful sun I just had. It really did the trick in clearing my sinuses. In the meantime, hook up an IV in chicken soup. I wouldn't recommend a netti pot to anyone after my misadventure with it, but maybe something to clean out the sinuses.

Bossy Betty said...

Oh, Pearl! So sorry you are suffering with the yuck! Hope you feel better soon. The bighead/small body combo is just not worth it!

Joshua said...

With such a swollen sick head, you should lay down lest you succumb to a crushed windpipe like the elephant man.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Oh man...I hate that fat head, head in a bubble, isolation ward feeling. Virtual chicken soup for you my dear. I really think this poor excuse for a winter is the cause of all of us suffering so much. May you feel better soon. As to the new cubicle mate..rather than destroy her..use her to your devious advantage hahahaha (evil laugh).

savannah said...

go.to.sleep.

really.now.

if anyone asks, tell them savannah told you to. i'm a grandma now, sugar, i have gravitas and must be listened to. xoxoxoxox

Laurel's Quill said...

You are officially my new hereo. What a riot. I love your writing and what a fresh breath of air. I'm still snickering to myself. Love the other post about Panera. Too much, girl!! I'll bite and join the 800 bazillion others who follow you. Thanks for the smile this rainy Monday morning. Laurel

Pearl said...

I am grateful that while the inside of my head itches with the 400th cold of the season, I have people who pop in and tell me they enjoy my writing!

Thank you, Laurel. I needed that!

Pearl

Pearl said...

Not that I don't love you all equally. :-)

Sheesh. I AM sick today...

That gentleman's lady said...

Poor thing. I feel for you with the head swelling. My lower wisdom teeth have been giving me attitude. 3 infections in two months? Not cool, teeth, not cool!

What kind of soup btw?

Pearl said...

TGL, I had a kale soup the other day that was really fantastic. Actually love all soups: chicken, ham and bean, split pea, squash, whatever ya got.

Mmmm. Is it too early for lunch?

More importantly, is it too early for a blog post about soup? 'Cuz I think I could do it...

imbeingheldhostage said...

Good choice on eliminating the zip codes from brain space- who needs 'em?! I'm thinking kids names take up much needed memory space too, so I'm renaming all of mine "Hey You".
I hope you feel better soon and are in good Intern-crushing form in no time.

Susan in the Boonies said...

"Well thought out engaging pizzas with hairy an error": I laughed out loud. No kidding.

I have a recipe on my blog for Virus Killing Soup. I wish I could bring you a bowl, because you OBVIOUSLY need it.

Blowing you germ-free kisses, and passing the box of Puffs.

fishducky said...

To IMBEINGHELDHOSTAGE--I thought EVERYBODY'S kids were named "HEY, YOU".

When I get a cold, my tongue falls asleep & my teeth itch.

Joanne said...

Maybe you need more sleep. Unless it interfers with the quality of your blogs.

jenny_o said...

You definitely need to start wearing a necklace of garlic cloves to keep those germs at bay. I think I remember reading that parents of yesteryear made their kids do this to avoid lice, before the real cause was understood. It worked even if it was just because no one wanted to get close. And if you were ever trapped on the 48th floor, you'd have lunch right there with you. Oh, and don't forget, if you run into a vampire, you're also protected!

Seriously, I hope you feel better soon.

mrwriteon said...

Sucks to be you right now, po' baby. Soup is on its way. Hope you like split pea because that's what you're getting.

Austan said...

Ach! Sorry you're feeling so rotten. There are cruds running around that won't leave. Chicky soup, lotsa sleep, and be grumpy to everyone. The being grumpy always picks up my spirits. And what are they gonna do? You're sick. Feel better!

Vapid Vixen said...

Oh no!!! You've got it too?? Why are you even AT work? It's President's Day.
I hope you get feeling better soon and in the meantime I'll ship you my leftover Sudafed. Just don't try to make any important decisions while on it.

Ms Sparrow said...

It sounds like you've got the Lingering Crud, gal! Take heart that you will survive--whether you want to or not!

Simply Suthern said...

Quite the trooper to be at work.Careful scratching those itches inside your head. Yea I know you got lots of access points to get there but I hear there is delicate and vital stuff up there too.

Get well before you become a Bobble Head.

Belle said...

This is my first winter ever without a cold and I attribute that to the packets of vitamins I bought. You stir the contents into a glass of cold water. I don't care for the taste, but it seems to work. Vitamin pills don't seem to digest, but the packets are different.

Cathy Olliffe-Webster said...

Get well, young Pearl, and failing that, buy expensive tissue. The cheap stuff sticks to the drying snot, I find.

Pat said...

I hate to be boring - deliberately - but constant colds means it is worth checking your hygiene (as in Hygiene is the science of health - not hand washing which I'm sure you do religiously). There may be something in your life style which isn't helping - apart from having to mingle daily with the masses.
Just give it a thought and don't be cross with me.

jabblog said...

You're a trooper, Pearl. Hope you feel better soon.

Al Penwasser said...

You know what they say about big heads...?
Big hats.
Get well.
And stay away.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl, still poorly? Not good. Big ol' hug from England, honey x

Crystal Pistol said...

"I'll crush her." made me laugh out loud. You are not too sick to make me laugh right out loud.

I hope you feel better.

JeannetteLS said...

I think I am supposed to offer condolences and hope you feel better soon. That's the right thing to do.

But, you see, your suffering gives me SUCH pleasure. It's hard for me to summon up any compassion at all. Stop making me laugh and I will wish you a speedy recovery...

You will crush her. Such kindness. We are all stoked for THAT chapter.

Okay, okay, okay. Feel better. My mother is nagging at me from above.

BamaTrav said...

I've been sick since last Sunday. It sux.

Teresa Evangeline said...

I'm thinkin' Grandma's chicken wild rice soup, 'cause it is Minnesota, and maybe a soft fuzzy turquoise blue blankie because it's the color of Lake Superior in the summer.

Get better soon.

bill lisleman said...

It's The End Of Pearl's Head As We Know It (and I Feel Fine)
take some REM and call me.

TV's Take said...

Cheers to your new slender look :-) Hope you feel better soon. Now following you and hey I'm from MPLS as well.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

It takes real dedication to be funny when you feel like crap. Yay, you! Get well soon.

darsden said...

Feel Better Pearl! :-)

Jo-Anne's Rambling said...

I hope you feel better soon being unwell sucks..........

HermanTurnip said...

The wife and I were both *terribly* stick this weekend. Turns out my parents were sick as well. We've deduced that patient zero was my sister's husband.

We've already laid out the sharpened picks and blazing torches. Care to join us for some payback? Come on, it'll be cathartic for ya...

R. Jacob said...

I do believe that if you were here in sunny Florida you would not be sick. However if something like that were to happen you could sit by the pool (pictures furnished upon request)in the sunshine and feel all warm and cozy while I fetched you another cocktail! And I make great soup!

vanilla said...

Wish I could send soup and/or blankies, but instead I shall send well-wishes, i.e., wish you to be well quickly!

[what a trooper: keeping your sense of humor through the collywobbles

Sioux said...

So, you've transformed into a bobblehead, eh? We all thought you were cute before, but now the very thought of how you look makes us all squeal with delight.

Roses said...

Oh honey. Just having shifted one bout of lurgy I nick-named the Ex-Boyfriend because it just wouldn't bloody go away, you have my sympathy.

Yeah, I hang out with people like your parents, but not for long when I'm sick. I want to be pathetic and ill in peace.

Hope you feel better soon.

River said...

Another cold? Oh dear! do you take regular vitamin C? You should have some of my chicken soup, homemade with lots of garlic and pearl barley. I'll send you some as soon as I work out how to make it stay in the envelope. Freezing it didn't work...

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Poor Pearlie has been pummeled by colds this year. Boo. At least you're still writing awesome pizzas.
;)

Shrinky said...

Poor baby, but only you could write such a humourus post at death's door. Sod the soup, I'm sending Scotch for three dozen hot toddies - take them all one after the other, and you'll wake up next week.

Okay, maybe not cured.

Linda O'Connell said...

Our female intern is departing and being replaced with a guy. Three int he small office. She left a gift for us, a stash of plug in air fresheners.
Having the big head isn't all bad.

Pat Tillett said...

Getting sick sucks! That is why I refuse to do it... I thinking because our winters are so mild, that people don't get sick that often here. Who am I kidding, we don't have winter here.
Hope you feel better soon!

Jenny Woolf said...

Well, hope you've recovered by now. Looks like it from your latest post :)

Suldog said...

Serious question: Have you ever submitted a few of these pieces for publication? I hope you take this in the good way it's intended: I think you're a sort-of Midwestern female Dave Barry. If you haven't sent a piece or two AT LEAST to a local newspaper or something, please do so. I'm sure somebody will buy some of your stuff.