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Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Time for the Chore Monkey Has Come

Some concepts require second looks.

I refer, of course, to the Chore Monkey.

Look, people. We’ve put a man on the moon, provided the youth of today with multiple opportunities to film themselves planking, owling, and other manner of verbification -- we've even convinced large groups of inebriates that Jagermeister is a shot-worthy bar drink.

So why in the wide, wide world of sports have we not perfected the Chore Monkey?

And when I say “Chore Monkey”, I am not referring to our children. Children, while delightfully trainable, for the most part, are prone to contacting Child Protective Services and confiding in authority figures when forced to run to the gas station for cigarettes at 2:00 a.m.

Or so I hear.

Which brings us back to the Chore Monkey.

Primates! Trained, costume-wearing primates! Think of it.

And they’ll be even better than children.

Have you seen a child climb up the side of a building?  Pathetic.

Compare that to the image of a tweed-suited chimpanzee climbing up yer drain spouts.

See what I mean?

Think about the many uses of the chore monkeys of tomorrow.

Need to borrow a bit of something from your neighbor but it’s snowing? Send the monkey!

Not sure as to just when you bought that milk and concerned that it may have gone bad? Have you considered having the monkey try a wee bit of it?

Hungry but too lazy to hoist yourself off the couch and wander all the way into the kitchen? Perhaps it's time to send the monkey out for fast food!

They can’t do everything, of course. For instance, I continue to question a monkey’s ability to consistently shop using coupons. And I doubt a monkey’s capacity for sorting clothes by color prior to laundering them.

A monkey once failed to properly "hug" one of my three-wick candles.

Despite all of that, I still think that there’s gold in them thar monkeys.*


I am, after all, an optimist.


* I do not now nor have I ever owned, misused, made fun of, borrowed money from or advocated the exploitation of a monkey. Monkeys are not servants, nor are they delicious. Mostly, today’s post is the result of my wishing someone other than me would do my grocery shopping...

For cryin’ out loud, some of my best friends are monkeys!

44 comments:

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

'Chore Monkey' and 'Face Ripper Monkey' are the same thing. You always get what you pay for.

Cathy Olliffe-Webster said...

Children also balk at being sent to the store for tampons. I have never seen a Chore Monkey balk.

Shelly said...

We once had a wild possum that would come out of its lair whenever the lawn sprinklers were on and turn the faucet off with its strange little mouth.

Likewise I had an orphan calf I raised who would run to the back door when I got home from school and open it for me with her mouth.

I know all kinds of critters can be trained to do all kinds of things, but I really want one that will clean toilets for me. Haven't found one yet that will do that.

Vicus Scurra said...

I love you.

Camille said...

What Cal said...ditto; I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. On the other hand, you dear Pearl have perfected the art of co-existing with two smart kittehs (they of the finely honed claws) and therefore, are ever so much braver than most.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, as much as I would like someone to weed the garden, wash the truck, and clean the basement and the garage, I don't care to be using monkeys, children, or servants to do what we should be doing for ourselves. Not even robots. See the movie "Wall-e"...":)

Saucy Sally said...

Might I refer you to the Planet of the Apes series? It seems somewhere in the future the "chore monkeys" take over and we are forced to wear ugly loin cloths made of burlap and don't have access to beautiful shoes. Sorry to be the rain on the chore monkey parade ppl...we alas are forced for the sake of humanity to get our own snacks and sort our own laundry, lest we doom us all. LOL

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I tried dressing the hubby up and sending him up the side of the house but it didn't work. Maybe I'll trade him in for a monkey.

Simply Suthern said...

They will also sleep in your bed when you aint around and if you aint got 2 of them you have to pick the mites and bugs off their backs yourself.

Then there are the all nite Tarzan marathons on TV which really aint a bad thing till they start swinging from the lights and ceiling fans.

Thinks this thru before you act.

Pearl said...

Cal, well that’s just given. I mean, you GOTTA shell out for the quality monkeys…

Cathy, children. Pffft. What were we thinking?!

Shelly, great. :-) Now I have a possum (and it’s strange little mouth!) coming out of my imagination to turn off the sprinklers. And if you haven’t written that into a strange little story yet, I recommend you do. Possums are funny.

Vicus, I suspect we are strangely suited to each other. Meet me at the playground, and bring a six-pack.

Camille, I hadn’t considered the possibility of teaching the cats to ride the monkey. Blog fodder gold!!

Raymond, I’m not allowed to see anything that may upset me. :-) Wall-E sounds like one of those things.

Saucy Sally, Dagnabit, girl! Why does saving the planet always have to fall to ME?! Fine. We’ll put off the chore monkey for just a little while longer!

Delores, that just made me very happy.

Simply, I’d totally forgotten about the mites. Hmm. So now I need TWO monkeys. This is getting complicated.

Laurel's Quill said...

LMAO!!! If I had a Chore Monkey, he would clean out the cobwebs from the rafters that I can't reach (or am just too lazy to), be able to operate my fancy Screwpull wine opener and pour a chilled glass anytime ('cause it's always 5 o'clock somewhere) and seam a knitted sweater ('cause more than anything, I hate that the worst. You are a hoot Pearl, and I love you (not in a weird way though) You are too brilliant for me!! Laurel

Sausage Fingers said...

Monkeys eat their own poop.
I wonder if the primates can Tebow?
Cheers, Sausage...

Irisheyes said...

I am absolutely "FOR" the chore monkey. In fact, he will be able to pick the bugs and mites out of MY hair. Plus they are trustworthy. Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey.

Leenie said...

Just stopped by for my daily dose of Pearl and Company.

The world is turning,
the sun comes up,
Pearl posts,
her commenters respond.
Life is good and I'm smiling.

Not sure about a chore monkey but the painting is in the mail.

esbboston said...

I was in the middle of a one-nerd-full elaborate multi-scene dream in London. There was music. Food. Drink. Food. I was just getting ready to play piano and my phone rang, now I have to go get a transmission fixed in the real world. But at least I got to read yer money story. What? Oh, it was a monKey story, no wonder I was confused (hahahaha). Actually there is nothing quite like savoring a wonderful time groc shopping, you just aren't doing it right! Where, oh where, is your sense of eXploration, Girl? Any-who, I tried getting a gorilla to pick my tomato worms once, no luck in that department. Well, I must go for now ... I long to return to my musical London.

esbboston said...

Wall-E is wonderful.

Lucy said...

Can they be trained to do school assignments?

Robbie Grey said...

Awesome. And due to the paraphrasing;

"So why in the wide, wide world of sports have we not perfected the Chore Monkey?"

I'll have Blazing Saddles quotes running through my skull for most of the day :).

Ms Sparrow said...

It's sounds good, however--I've heard that monkeys like to fling their poop for... er, "stuff" and giggles. For me, this would be a BIG downside!

fishducky said...

OMG--I just realized my husband has a Chore Monkey--ME!!

Elizabeth Rose Stanton said...

You're definitely on to something here. Ooo Ooo

Linda O'Connell said...

When I was in Kindergarten my dad promised me a chore monkey to carry my books to school. Dummy me, I beleieved him. I still want a monkey, oh never mind I married him.

darlin said...

LOL awesome piece of writing Pearl, and how about hugs, instant monkey hugs... check out my post from tonight/today. Great minds think alike? ;-)

vanilla said...

...and aren't we all? Chore monkeys, I mean. It's just that we have to do our own. Nope, can't handle yours.

Sarah said...

I'd love a chore monkey! Sign me up. But I only want her if she can do french braids. I need someone in the house who can help me with my hair.

Have you considered going shopping with a friend or family member? I go with my sister weekly and we always have a blast and it makes the grocery shopping chore less of one. Plus, the bonding opportunities are endless!

jenny_o said...

Knowing how my cats seem to end up using me as their servant, it is not much of a stretch to see myself waiting on my gol' darn chore monkey within two weeks of its arrival.

So, thanks but no thanks, I don't have the energy to have any help at the moment :)

Linda Sue said...

I thought i was getting a "go fetch it for me" chore monkey when I got this here dog...Not even close!

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Fun post ... and comments. I think I'll skip the monkeys for now. It'd be nice to have some help around the house, but there's barely enough room in the bed for hubby, the cats, and me. (And you KNOW those monkeys would be giving us the sad eyes routine so they could worm their way into our beds.)

NYEMT said...

Sounds a little like one of these...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCUBxgdKZ_Y

Someone else has always had the good ideas first. ;)

Belle said...

I would love a chore monkey but would prefer a robot. I'd like to have someone to play Scrabble with.

BECKY said...

Pearl, I'm so sorry I haven't been by in a while. I'm traveling around blogland, trying to comment on blogs I haven't been to in ages. Pretty soon, you'll qualify for that, too! :o

esbboston said...

I just saw a package o' sour cream and thought of you. It said Land O' Lakes and I figured it must be from your neighborhood, yep, Mini-soda!!!

The Elephant's Child said...

I would like to have a traditional 1950s or so wife. Someone who would cook, clean, pay bills, and make conversation if it suited me. All with a smile.
And yes, I do still believe in the tooth fairy.

Gigi said...

I need one! I've tried and tried to train my husband - but after 21 years it has failed to stick properly.

Diane said...

Forget the monkeys. I want Charleton Heston in a loin cloth climbing the side of my house! And going for groceries. No. Wait. That wouldn't work. Then I'D want to go along, too. Sigh. Now I have to get up off the couch . . .

Susan Kane said...

I have two pretty limber grandkids who are wild about monkeys. Party City has costumes! Gotta go...

klahanie said...

Ah Pearl,
This was the very um 'apex' of articles. And to think, before man landed on the moon, they had a monkey or two circling the earth.
And here's me thinking they landed a man in the Nevada desert :)

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, I personally think that with your wonderfully grounded sense of humour, you would love Wall-e ! Especially if you like gadgets. ":))

Tempo said...

Actually I have it on good authority that monkeys are indeed delicious.
Children on the other hand....

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! I salute the wonderful Georgian ideas of monkeys in tweed! And you are correct; they are not delicious. Kentucky fried macao? Gibbon tikka masala? *drool* Not at all. Indigo x

River said...

chore monkeys are not all they're cracked up to be. Mine promised clean dishes and vacuumed floors, but as soon as I left for work, he'd spend the day watching TV and going outside for smoke breaks.
Have you considered online grocery shopping?

Glen said...

Speciesist!

Pat Tillett said...

I want one, or several for that matter. I'd open up a house cleaning service. I really don't trust them though... We had some friends who had a couple and while they were out for several hours (the people, not the monkeys). They (the monkeys, not the people) broke INTO the house and TOTALLY trashed it. I mean totally.

Susan in the Boonies said...

More Chore Monkey!!!

It's like More Cowbell!

You can never have enough cowbell, and you can certainly never have enough Chore Monkey.

Unless they sprout wings and start flying out your butt.
And that's not good when that happens.