I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

No Jury Will Convict Me

If you’ve heard that I’ve smothered my husband in his sleep, do not rush to my defense.

There’s a chance it may be true.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t want to have to kill him. But he left me no choice. And look on the bright side! Think of all the time prison will give me to write!

But I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I?

Why, I hear you ask, would a normally reasonable woman hold a pillow over her husband’s head until he ceased to struggle?

One word:

Snoring
.

I’ve been told that I, too, snore; and if you know me, you know that this is a damnable lie, perhaps perpetrated by mine enemies, people who will also tell you that I need help with crossword puzzles (not true) and cadge cigarettes when intoxicated (quite possibly true).

But snoring? Me?

Hey. This isn’t about me. This is about William Throckmorton the III, the man bent on destroying me through sleep deprivation.

Of course I have my coping mechanisms…

For example, my initial response to the snoring is a brief but vigorous shaking of the bed. My thinking here is that he will, whilst asleep, believe that there might be an earthquake or a tornado happening, thus causing him to alter his breathing patterns.

This never works, but it’s always in my first round of defense.

Next comes the verbal jab. “Willie! Stop snoring! Roll onto your belly! Willie!!”

This usually works for a minute or two, as Willie’s unconscious mind registers a number of things:
  1. That’s my name;
  2. What's that sound? Sounds like my wife, and;
  3. Grblx zinkt offun garbin.
I don’t know what that last bit is, but it’s what he always mutters just before he falls back asleep.

And resumes a vigorous snoring.

It is at this point that I become inventive.

“Willie! Did you see that letter from the IRS?” This usually produces some interest.

“Sphurbim?”

“The letter from the IRS," I say. "Did you see it? About the child support!”

Willie has no children, but this last sentence causes him to stop snoring, and, briefly, to stop breathing entirely. The room then takes on an expectant air; and while still asleep, his breathing conveys an even-keeled quality rarely found in his waking moments.

“I sent them an e-mail. Luckily, since we won the lottery this afternoon we’re going to just write them a check, okay?”

“Sphurbim. Bracken farva lottery shopping spree.”

“And remodel the bathroom, right?”

Willie loves this part. Our bathroom appears to have been originally modeled on the 70s sitcom “Good Times”, or perhaps “Maude”. Suffice it to say that the color once referred to as “Harvest Gold” figures prominently.

There are several pink, sandpaper-like flower-shaped no-slip stickers still grimly clinging, with 1970s style tenacity, to the bottom of the bathtub.

I'll say no more about that.

“Mmmm,” he says as he drifts back to sleepy-time. “Bran' new tubbinshower. Grblx zinkt offun garbin."

"That's what I'm thinking,” I say.

And on a good night, that will take care of the snoring.

46 comments:

Lolamouse said...

I'll have to try the IRS and lottery tricks with my husband, as nothing else has yet stopped his abominable snoring! His response to my nudges, name calling, and occasional kicks, is usually, "Oh, was I asleep?" I will be following your murder trial closely. If you get off, copy cat murder is in my future!

Doctor FTSE said...

I just had a horrid thought. What if the woman you share a cell with also snores? All your good work will have been for nothing?

I enjoyed this clearly written and amusing story so much. It has the potential to become something longer. And darker.
Goodnight and "Grblx zinkt offun garbin" (You've no idea how widespread it is.)

Bouncin Barb said...

Any god fearing, law abiding female juror would never convict you of this crime. She knows all too well what sleeping with the beast is like and that it can make you do things while not in your right mind! Hugs!

esbboston said...

I will bake you a cake with a file in it.

Not for trying to saw your way to freedom.

But a nail file, can't have you getting all nail and cuticle ugly on us.

Have you checked to see if your state has a death penalty?

Snoring might be a legal defense. The other thing to go for would be self defense. All that alien sounding talk from him sounds like a possible threat!!!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I gave up and opted for separate bedrooms. They say sleep deprivation can shorten your life. And I intend to outlive him.

^..^Corgidogmama said...

Oh dear. I too have had "horrid" thoughts while listening to my beloved making his night sounds.
It's scary, how evil our thoughts can be when disturbed during our beauty sleep...hee hee!

Jeannie said...

My husband's snoring has been known to scare small children who believed a bear had gotten into the house. He has apnea - has always had apnea and has always snored. I am somewhat hard of hearing in my right ear so the phone goes to my left. Last year, he agreed to get a CPAP machine - because the apnea was making HIM sleep deprived. No more snoring! Yay!

Teresa Evangeline said...

One of the joys of singledom: no snoring, none that I can hear, anyway.

Silliyak said...

Nasal rinse before bedtime + Snore strips=worth a try

jabblog said...

I've reached the stage where if my husband is snoring I'm just grateful he's still alive . . .

I don't snore either, honestly;-)

JeannetteLS said...

I don't miss my ex for many reasons. Snoring's one.

That said I finally got earplugs--the spongy kind. And I adjusted to THEM far more easily than the noise. But sleeping again with ears UNPLUGGED was a secret pleasure of his desertion almost immediately.

MAN, am I jaded!

Lucy said...

So it works!

fishducky said...

A friend (who will, I believe, be eligible for parole in about 10 more years) once told me that if your husband is still snoring--or breathing--you are not holding the pillow down hard enough over his face!

Joanne said...

Earplugs are probably safer. They're good in motel rooms with loud A/C units, too. Better safe than sorry.

Buttons said...

This is so funny. I was lying awake last night for the same reason shaking the bed, and giving a good nudge, nothing seemed to work. Snore snore the room I am sure was vibrating.
In the morning my other half says "You kept me awake all night with your snoring." REALLY true story.

I don't snore I have never heard me snore he must have been dreaming:) B

Ach du lieber said...

I am now soooo thankful I added Court TV.

Sioux said...

Does Mr. Throckmorton (his real name?) have sleep apnea? If not, could you super-glue a muffling mask to his nose and mouth every night? Just an idea...

bill lisleman said...

My family can recommend some great tested-at-home ear plugs for you.

Al Penwasser said...

So THAT'S how we got a brand new in-ground pool!

jenny_o said...

Have you tried the water mist trick? Spray lightly into the air over the snorer's face (not too close, you might be accused of trying to drown him). The mist drifting down onto a sleeper's face causes just enough discomfort to make a person change position.

That being said, I only tried this once. It worked, but I had such a guilty conscience, for some reason (which may have to do with my own snoring), I never did it again :)

WrathofDawn said...

I got rid of the snoring for good, with no prison sentence resulting, but my method may not be the best if you're actually still fond of WT the III.

savannah said...

2 words:

ear plugs


43 years and i'm still married to the man whose snores rattle the windows, sugar! xoxoxoxoxo

Susan in the Boonies said...

You're right: no jury would convict.
Far too many of us walk in your shoes.

I hope you don't mind.

Frankly...you could use a new pair.

mrwriteon said...

There is an easy answer to this, my dear. Sleep in separate rooms. Wendy and I fought the snoring thing for years -- on both our parts -- and then we just bit the bullet and decamped to our own sanctuaries. That doesn't mean you can't still do the 'other stuff' that people tend to do, but after it's over, you can then go to your room and either pick up your book, or blissfully sleep.

ThreeOldKeys said...

Recipe for Nocturnal Napping:

Take a Loved One who snores relentlessly.

Add restless leg syndrome (OMG yes it's real).

Stir in one cat who, upon reaching the age of 17, decided he must yowl for one or more meals during the night (he's got a doctor's note, containing words like kidney function, weight loss, unidentified mass, heart murmur ...).

Garnish with an occasional night trip to the bathroom (trailed by cat, now pleading for catsnack) and top off with scary long pauses in Loved One's breathing.

I's a feast for the senses. Not in a good way. But I'm hoping it lasts for a long time.

Eva Gallant said...

Maybe he has sleep apnea. Mr. Eva used to snore so loud you could hear him on the next street! He spent a night in a sleep lab. They diagnosed him as having sleep apnea (which can be fatal, by the way). He was set up with a C-PAP machine, and no longer snores at all and sleeps like a baby!

Dr Max Tunguska said...

I snore horribly. My wife wants to smother me for this and a catalogue of other habits. I bought one of these watch things that when it hears two sharp noises emits mild electric shocks. The idea is that if I snored, it would shock me and I'd move and stop snoring.

Picture me laying there with my "watch" on. My wife falls asleep, snores loudly and I get a shock. Brilliant!

The Elephant's Child said...

I find that removing the bedclothes from his side of the bed is reasonably effective. He rolls over, grabs a corner and rolls back, wadding the bedclothes under his stomach. It usually works (for a while) but leaves no bedclothes on my side of the bed.

Rita said...

LOL! You just crack me up, lady!! :):)

Gigi said...

It is truly a miracle that more husbands haven't been killed in the name of sleep deprivation.

Mine likes to wake me up about 2 hours before the alarm clock goes off. Snore, snore, snore. Silence! I try to quickly fall back to sleep and just as I am drifting back off....SNORE (and keep repeating this scenario until my alarm clock goes off!). It really is a miracle he's still alive.

Belle said...

Hubby and I both snore and we can sleep right through it so I guess we won't be committing murder yet. Buy those nose bandaid thingys and put it on his nose when he is asleep. Let us know if it works. Great writing by the way!

Leenie said...

If there are ANY women on that jury it will be hung. More than one or two wives and you'll for sure be acquitted. But, as a fan and reader, I'm looking forward to all the extra writing you will do if you are convicted.

I finally had to take a razor blade to the 70's flowers in our tub.

Daisy said...

I'm also looking forward to the extra writing from prison! I had a room mate who snored once when on a European trip. It was torture! I threw the pillow at her a few times. I do think there are some remedies these days...?

Jo-Anne's Rambling said...

I am also married to a snorer and he will not go and have a sleep test to see if he has sleep apnoea which I have I have to use a CPAP machine at night to sleep..........my husband snores so loud that we can hear him all through the house.......

River said...

earplugs->separate beds->separate rooms->divorce....although the divorce was for other issues, not the snoring, but I'm back to sleeping well and without earplugs!
Unless I have a bad hayfever attack, then my own snoring wakes me up.

Linda O'Connell said...

I've got a noisemaker too. Not a problem if I go to sleep before he does; I can sleep through his rumblings. But if he goes to sleep first, you'll find me on the computer at 4:00 a.m. an my head on my arm by 4:00 p.m.

Scarlet Blue said...

Have you tried giving him a sharp tap on the nose? This sometimes works. Don't know why.
Sx

sage said...

I hesitate to comment here on the fear I might be called to testify against you... But then, a free trip to the Twin Cities, why not. You're funny! Great write!

Symdaddy said...

I can tell you all right now that Pearl snores like a chainsaw!

Don't ask how I know {wink, wink} but she can suck the wallpaper right off'f the wall; bend and buckle closed doors as is they were made of rubber.

But she makes a mean fried (egg, bacon, sausage,etc.) breakfast that is well worth a sleepless night!!!

Happy Frog and I said...

Goodness me, snoring (of my other half) is the bane of my life! I've had insomnia for years now and it is due to be woken up by that loud incessant cacophony! Co-incidentally my latest post is about being on a jury but I would not have convicted you! ;)

Argent said...

I too struggle under the heavy burden of husband-induced sleep deprivation. I've done the bed-shaking thing and the sleeping in a different room thing. I also poke and prod with increasing viciousness as the night goes on. I might try the stunning news approach though, looks like it has potential.

lime said...

i'm the snorer in our house but my husband is the looney who has full conversations in his sleep.

Pat Tillett said...

My wife, who complains about my snoring, snores like a drunken sailor herself! BUT, she ALWAYS denies it. I've recorded it, but she says it's not her. My problem with the whole thing is this. Okay, I snore sometimes, loudly...
I'm asleep while I do so. Why does she have to wake me up? Isn't it enough that she's awake? Why both of us?

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

I laughed at the comments as much as at the post. Everything Lolamouse said, I second completely. She said it all, right off the tip of my tongue. Funny.
Rosemary

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Since Friday my husband has been snoring in Arizona. Heavenly.

Pat said...

I wonder how many marriages have foundered because of it?