I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Good-Bye Joe, Me Gotta Go, Me Oh My Oh

Liza Bean Bitey – of the Minneapolis Biteys – a delightfully small-pawed cat with a penchant for umbrella-ed drinks; tiny dollops of cream presented on garage-sale china saucers; and BBC World News, is looking for a job.

And while the rest of the Midwest struggles to fill its job-interview dance cards, the cat’s resume seems to have piqued the interest of the Human Resources business community.

My phone’s been ringing off the hook.

“Good morning, this is Pearl.”

“May I speak with Pearl?”

“Speaking.”

“Ah, yes. You’ve been listed as a reference for a Miss Liza Bean Bitey –“

“ – of the Minneapolis Biteys,” I interject.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing. Proceed.”

“As I say,” she continues, her lips audibly pursing, “you’ve been listed as a reference for a Liza Bean Bitey. Can we talk about her qualifications for the position of Media Relations Specialist?”

Media Relations?

“Of course,” I say. I find it best to play along when faced with the ridiculous.

“One of the things we are looking for in a Media Relations Specialist is the ability to present reality in its best possible light. The position for which Liza Bean has applied would include on-camera work. In your experience, does Liza Bean have the ability to give the impression of truthfulness and/or sincerity?”

I reflect back on this morning. Liza Bean was sitting on the table, licking her whiskers thoughtfully, when I came into the kitchen for my lunch. Packed the night before in contemplation of the fog that often goes along with any day that starts at 5:30, I recall wondering, dimly, what she was doing up so early. I ran down the front steps, lunch bag bouncing against my yoga bag, the last thing I heard as I locked the front door was her voice, singing: “Son of a gun we’re gonna have big fun on the bayou…”

It wasn’t until I was on the bus that I realized the full implications of the song, and I knew what I would find before I opened the bag.

My jambalaya had been replaced with Meow Mix.

Liza Bean Bitey has always enjoyed my jambalaya.

“Liza Bean is the very face of sincerity,” I say, meaningfully. “She is a political animal, and you would be hard-pressed to find a cat who exudes more charm.”

“Very nice, very nice…” the woman at the other end of the line is writing this down.

The questions went on: Did Liza Bean Bitey have any compunction against bending the truth when required? Had she ever done any time in a federal penitentiary? Was I aware of any black marks on her record that would restrict her travel, outside of her inability, as noted on her resume, to work within Bratislava?

Coming out of my mouth, no words could be sweeter than those describing Liza Bean. Perfect for the Marketing and Public Relations world, to hear me tell it, no cat is more sincere, sharper, believable, or photogenic than the very cat applying for the job.

By the end of the interview, the woman on the other end and I were fast friends, and she thanked me for my time, enthusiastic about the chance to personally interview Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).

That cat wants a job? She’s gonna get one.

That’ll teach her to steal my lunch.

46 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

You tell that lady that I'd watch anything that cat does, ever, therefore, built in audience! Plus why am I not at all surprised that Liza Bean is a fan of jambalaya? I hear she's an expert in all forms of southern cuisine and also, she hunts vampires for sport.

Pearl said...

VA, I can't believe how far Liza Bean's reputation has traveled -- or how accurate the rumors are!
:-)

R. Jacob said...

Oh great, now that song will be playing in my little mind all day!
sigh...

R. Jacob said...

Congrats on 1100 followers!

Pearl said...

R., be sure to turn the accordion up! Oh -- and more cowbell!!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Coming soon to a screen near you. You know, I used to have that record. An old 78, scratched, ripped label..... I needs me some jambalaya. Goodbye Joe, Me gotta go...

Pearl said...

R., did I just hit 1100?! Wheeee! That is too cool!!!

Pearl said...

Delores, it's never too late to whip up some jambalaya -- a great dish for winter!

Emm said...

What a cute little story! Judging from my cats' attitudes, I could well believe this tale. I used to think that sighing in frustration was a distinctly human trait but I swear my cat sighed at me this morning when I wouldn't let her lie on my head, shoulder or pillow while I was trying to sleep.

Vapid Vixen said...

“Good morning, this is Pearl.”

“May I speak with Pearl?”

“Speaking.”

For some reason I find comfort knowing I'm not the only one this happens to.

Please be sure to pass along my good luck wishes to Liza Bean.

Scarlet Blue said...

Ha! Indeed, revenge is best served with a cold saucer of milk.
Sx

Eva Gallant said...

You must remind Liza Bean to dress for success when she goes for the interview. Nothing to gaudy; something professional.

laughingmom said...

Media Relations - Ha! - perfect for a cat, those cats need to change the public's perception of them anyway.

Glen said...

look out - once she starts earning real money she'll be looking to upgrade her lodgings...

CarrieBoo said...

Will Liza Bean have to wear a power suit with shoulder pads?

Now, onto jelly donuts! (You rock.)

Tom G. said...

I don't have any proof, but I am highly suspicious that Ms. Bitey has been tampering with my wordpress comment filter.

Argent said...

If there's one world that Liza Bean is a natural for, it has to be media relations. Come to think of it, that's true of just about any cat - that and distraction burglary.

jenny_o said...

So, in light of the Meow Mix, what did you have for lunch? Liza Bean Bitey ought to be ashamed of her furry self ... and if pressed, would probably sincerely APPEAR to be so ...

Sioux said...

Sometimes an undeserved recommendation is the best revenge. For one, Liza Bean might have to WORK and two, she'd be someone else's problem during the day.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Liza Bean sounds like a very very special cat with perfect credentials for that jon!!! (lol)

Belle said...

Ah, the lies we tell for those we love. I went to a parole hearing for a friend of my daughter's one time. They asked me if I thought he was an honest and reliable guy. He was in jail! For theft! I pictured him in my mind, lots of tattoos and long stringy hair, I said, "Yes, I do think he is." Bah ha ha. He got parole.

Roshni said...

I love that song...thanks for the reminder!! And, congratulations on your 1100 followers too!!

Macy said...

A job??? Liza Bean???
I had no idea things were so bad Pearl!

esbboston said...

Perhaps I would have better luck landing a job if I used you for a reference. And I promise not to eat your lunch. If things get desparate I may have to take up professional wrestling. How would you feel about being a referee secretly on my payroll? Show biz!!!!

fishducky said...

If Liza Bean does on-camera work, might I suggest that a 6 second time delay might be in order?

BamaTrav said...

My favorite food in the world is cajun/creole and then Mexican. Just make sure it's hot enough to give the cat the runs and light it's bunghole on fire and that will solve that. :)

Joshua said...

Why does this sound familiar? Maybe you've threatened retribution against her for stealing your lunch before?

Joanne said...

Ah, Liza Bean. Where's there's Liza Bean there may be trouble.

I am so far behind the blogger learning curve...1100 followers! Wow. But where do we see that?

Bodaciousboomer said...

Did you tell her that although Liza Bean had never been in the pen, she had been in a kennel from time to time?

Linda O'Connell said...

You know, you could have the next big on screen cartoon for adults with Liza and her clan, me oh my oh.

IndigoWrath said...

Ha! Fighting fire with fire. Whoever said two wrongs don't make a right never had to deal with a cat; I salute you. Indigo x

Craver Vii said...

I didn't know cats could find work. My cat could have been collecting social security. I have a stupid puppy that licks everything nonstop. Maybe we could stick him in a kissing booth. (yuck!)

Betty said...

Funny!
Thanks for visiting with me!
Betty @ Country Charm

Dee said...

Dear Pearl,
This had me giggling! I live with three cats--Ellie, Maggie, and Matthew. I can see that I need to discover whether they, too, like jambalaya. If so, perhaps they'll be willing to get a job and help support our household.

But somehow I doubt it!

Peace.

Gigi said...

Uhhh, Pearl? Just so ya know, I'm putting you down as a reference for Hubby.

Rita said...

I wish Karma was ambitious enough to look for a job. ;)

The Elephant's Child said...

There is a little of Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) in every cat. Sometimes a lot.

NotesFromAbroad said...

Wouldn't it be great if she has to travel and takes you along as her assistant ? wow ..cool .. .

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Wow, Pearl, you write well! I am looking forward to reading more of your work! ~R

lgsquirrel said...

Times must be bad for an aristocratic lady of leisure like Liza Bean to soil her paws with a job.

Sush said...

Just happens to be one of my very fav o right songs...I do hope Mizz Liza Bean gets her job! Until then you might wanna fill her fruit jar with something along the likes of white lightning to keep her outta your lunch bag! Then you can be gay-O!

Hugs from born and bred Cajun!

Lazarus said...

Pearl, all I can say is that I wish I knew you when you were a kid, what a great imagination!

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

If your cat's anything like mine, ya better make sure that's only a part-time job. (Can't be interfering with those oh-so-important naps, now, can we?) And it'd probably be a good idea to buy cat food that appeals to your palate, too.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Liza Bean, you'll be perfect here in the Media Relations world. Spin it, sister!!

Pat said...

Dream on Pearl. I read backwards so I know what happens:)

Pat Tillett said...

That feline is clearly a sociopath...