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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

At Last! A Worthy Adversary.

I have a new cube mate.  Wide-eyed, wrinkle-free, possessing a pleasing and amiable demeanor, she now sits at the desk once occupied by Intern Boy.

Intern Boy will be missed, and it is only fitting that we take a moment or two to reflect upon him before we launch into our plan to mentally abuse the new intern.

Ahem.

We are gathered here, in the sight of our fellow workers – and well out of sight of Human Resources – to remember Intern Boy.

Intern Boy.  What can be said about him that a thorough ransacking of his desk would not make clear?

He was neat, Intern Boy was.  Pens in a cup, a calendar of the world’s best golf courses on his wall, IB sat with me at the end of the row, on the 48th floor, for six months, and yet how well did we know him?

Well, we know he enjoyed knowing where his pens were, and knowing what day of the week it was.  That’s important, in an intern.  A further review of his top drawer discloses that he enjoyed tiny paper parcels of salt and pepper, napkins from Starbucks, and the softgel tablets of a popular extra strength gas relief medication. 

Intern Boy was polite.

Not once did I catch him in a compromising situation.  Unlike work colleagues in my past, he was prompt, kept his pants on at all times, and never once asked to borrow money.

Intern Boy enjoyed blue post-its, clear push pins, and your standard keyboard. 

Intern Boy was an intern among interns, and the back of his head – the part I saw most – will be missed. 

And now we have Female Intern, a clear-eyed, earnest, smiling woman who has assumed Intern Boy’s pens and gas-relief tablets.  A half-day into our relationship, I can report that she walks upright, has perfectly sculpted eyebrows, and seems to have both a working brain and a sense of humor.

“I shall crush you,” I whisper.

“I’m sorry,” she says, removing her telephone’s headpiece.  “What’s that?”

“Oh, I was just saying that I’ll probably ignore you most of the time,” I say, “but it doesn’t mean anything bad.  I just respect a person’s right to work in silence when they need to.”

“Oh,” she says, “I’ve had so many roommates in my life I don’t hear half of what’s being said.”

We both nod.  Been there.

“Unless there are plans for crushing me,” she says, smiling.  “I would totally listen in on something like that.”

And now we are both smiling.  With a brisk nod, we turn our backs, go back to our respective computer screens. 

I shall still crush her, of course.  It is, after all, the way of my office people. 

But I think I’m going to like her, too.  

47 comments:

Shelly said...

I sense some really great blog fodder coming from this internship-

Vicus Scurra said...

Pearl! Pearl! You should see what she said about you on her blog.

SherilinR said...

i sense you'll know more about female intern at the end of 6 months than you did about intern boy.

L-Kat said...

I would be interested to see what people gathered about me from my desk. Probably that I'm messy, it appears I have a thing for dragons (I don't!), I'm addicted to Diet Mountain Dew (true), and I still think its 2011.

Pearl said...

Shelly, I certainly hope so. What good is an intern if she doesn't come with stories?

Vicus, what?! Why that... That's it. I'm rifling through her desk drawers while she's in meetings...

Sherilin, he was such a polite young man. :-) Never did crack him...

Pearl said...

L-Kat, very nice. :-) I wrote the year as "1987" the other day. I wish that had meaning, but I'm not sure it does.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I say use her to your advantage for a while. With your cunning, your devious mind, you may be able to use her as an office mole or at least for picking up your drycleaning. Save the crushing for a while. Let's see what mileage we can get out of her.

Simply Suthern said...

A couple jobs back we used to play pranks. We would tie a small container full of confetti to the latch inside the lift door of the cublicle shelf. It's our way of saying nice to have you on board. Or... better watch your back.

crowbloke said...

+1 following, i like it.

Hilary said...

Is this your way of saying you have a girl crush? ;)

Ach du lieber said...

Glad IB is gone. I could sense you were bored with him.
One piece of advice...strike quickly. The smart ones are rarely interns for long.

bill lisleman said...

Is the bell rung before you come out from your computer screens? We are still in the first round? Is head butting allowed?

Belle said...

Well, I'm glad she hasn't asked to borrow money yet. She sounds like a keeper and I hope you are gentle with the crushing. One strike against her is not having wrinkles.

vanilla said...

Oh, do be cautious, Pearl. She seems a sly one!

But, of course, age and guile trump youth and enthusiasm.

Sausage Fingers said...

Cat fight alert...cat fight alert...
will this be a bra and panties fight?
will it take place in the parking garage? Will you be selling the DVD's
let me know...

tattytiara said...

Perfectly sculpted eyebrows? I can't think of anything else a relationship needs.

jabblog said...

Perfectly sculpted eyebrows and bat-like hearing - quite a challenge, Pearl.

Eva Gallant said...

I can hardly wait for round two!!!

Susan Kane said...

I'd play with her mind a bit. Move the pins just a bit. Take the gas tablet out of the desk, one at a time. Turn her chair to face out...you get the idea. You don't have to crush her; just make her very edgy, nervous.

NotesFromAbroad said...

I like her already !

I like yellow post-its.

I think I am thankful for not having worked in an office. They would have all crushed me ....

jenny_o said...

Hmm. She sounds like a smart one. And with the sense of humour! She might be a worthy opponent.

Tom G. said...

"softgel tablets of a popular extra strength gas relief medication"

These should be standard issue for all employees. Maybe keep them in a candy dish by the coffee pot.

Joanne said...

She sounds worldly and wise to me. I wouldn't make any bets yet.

Pearl said...

Delores, I suspect you’re right; and as with all people I suspect are right, I shall follow your advice.

Simply, too few doorways here on the Cube Farm, but you’ve got me thinking…

Crowbloke, welcome!!

Hilary, well, she does have those awesome eyebrows!!

Ach du Lieber! :-) The bright leave too quickly, and the dim not quickly enough. Please tell me that’s true everywhere, and not just here!

Bill, we are in the first round. In Minnesota we rarely resort to headbutting, but if she’s not careful there will be disapproving glances in her direction…

Belle, so far, it’s what I find least forgive-able in her: her lack of wrinkles. Oh, well. She’s working full-time – won’t be long now!

Vanilla, Oh, how I wish I’d written that! We’ll be careful – she does look crafty…

SF, there is no parking garage, but what would you give to see a fight at the bus stop? Bail money? :-)

Tattytiara, it’s true! She’s a little cutie, and I can’t wait to see her adopt a quizzical expression…

Jabblog, no worries! I still have a couple good years in me!!

Eva, I’m thinking of getting a cape and a pair of tights…

Susan, we think along the same lines, you and I. Small, subtle things, to drive her mad. Mad, I tell you!!

Abroad, oh, we never truly crush our own. :-) But I do think we’ll play with this one a bit. Just to welcome her to the fold…

Jenny_o, this is what I’m thinking. What if she – gasp! – challenges my authority? You know, as a Life-Long Office Drudge?

Pearl said...

Tom, my sister and I, when we worked at the same office, used InterOffice Mail to send each other Beano coupons back and forth…

Joanne, I know! What if she gets the drop on me?!

fishducky said...

My money's on you, Pearl. I can't even imagine you being the crushee!

Douglas said...

I understand the office odds are 8-5 in your favor. I am disappointed since I think it should be 5-1. Still, that won't stop me from putting $5 on FI...

Roshni said...

ooooh! This will be exciting!! :))

Crystal Pistol said...

I love her already! She will be a formidable opponent, Pearl. Good luck and God speed in the crushing of this bright eyed baby.

In addition, Intern-boy WAS polite. The taking of gas-relief pills is a VERY polite action to take. :)

Linda O'Connell said...

Our IG has replaced by two IBs. She was gracious. She left us with plug in air fresheners.

Sharon Longworth said...

I can only hope you've arranged the contents of your own desk drawer - she will, without doubt, be rifling through them in days...
I did enjoy this.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl. I had an intern once. I ate him with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Indigo xjavascript:void(0)

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl. I had an intern once. I ate him with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Indigo

Elizabeth Rose Stanton said...

I just love your blog. Picks me right up. :)

The Elephant's Child said...

Perhaps you could put up an interactive post looking for the best use of interns. And the person who proposed that use gets to see it posted here later on. A win for all (except the intern).

Gigi said...

An intern, you say? I could use an intern. When you are done with this one send her my way. That is, if you haven't crushed her completely.

R. Jacob said...

I don't think you are a big meany at all, I think you have a good heart and you have been found out!

alwaysinthebackrow said...

I'd watch those eyebrows if I were you. Perfectly sculpted seems very treacherous to me. She could be a rat!

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, I loved this post. Perfect office strategy...hilarious. I.B. will be wishing he never left. He would have appreciated the neat and tidy battlefield. ":)

skoots1mom said...

what non-verbal did she share to let you know of her liking you?

Fragrant Liar said...

Every time you said pens, I went to penis. I can't explain why, but also, IB took me to Irritable Bowel. It must be my current state of mind, which is suspect at best. I shall therefore cut this short and leave you with the infamous words of Billy Crystal, "Have fun storming the intern!"

HermanTurnip said...

Wait a second. You guys are afforded *pens* where you work? When I need a new pen I have to hunt for them on the ground in the parking lot. Seems pens are considered an "extraneous" expense at my current place of employment.

Y'all got any openings?

Tempo said...

Oh Pearl..thats so mean...LOL Love it!

Jocelyn said...

If you turn this relationship into a novel, I predict you'll redefine the entire genre of chick lit.

I'm going to Amazon right now to pre-order that one. Get to plotting and crushing already.

River said...

I sense things are going to get very interesting there. With some very interesting stories here.

Beach Bum said...

I shall still crush her, of course. It is, after all, the way of my office people.


Just be careful and have a backup plan to deal with any possible blood.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I am waiting on the edge of my seat to see what happens next with her. I like her!