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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Wherein I Find Tim Conway in My Muffler

“Tell me again,” he says. “What’s wrong with your car?”

“Besides the leprosy?”

Jon stares at me. I sigh. “Well, it sounds like a two-seater airplane.”

“One of those kinds with a woman strapped to a wing,” Mary prompts.

“Yes,” I say. “One of those.”

“And the pilot wears one of those leather caps,” she says.

Jon gives us a cockeyed look, shakes his head slightly. “Let’s go ahead and drive it around the back,” he says.

And so we’ve come to another Saturday, another day given over to the care and feeding of the car Maryna charmingly refers to as my “piece of sheet”, as in “Pearl! Ees not right, beautiful woman in piece of sheet car! You’re not ashamed?”

I laugh at her, of course. It’s a one-payment car that runs and has heat, not to mention the luxury of sporting a look that guarantees it will never be stolen.

Jon moves around to the rear of the car where he is hoping that a bit of carpeting maneuvered under the back end will entice the two of us to crawl under it, the better to see how truly damaged it is.

Not surprisingly, we are less than enthusiastic about an up-close view of the exhaust system.

“Hey, Mare,” he says, “remember when I was telling you about glasspac mufflers?”


Mary comes around to the dual exhaust and lets out a yelp. “Holy Hannah!” she cries. “You’ve got a wig stuck in your muffler!”

“That’s the fiberglass in the muffler I was telling you about,” Jon says.

Mary is not to be educated at this point, however, and alternates between crouching to look closer and jumping back. “You’ve killed Mrs. Whiggins’ boss!” she howls.




Jon stares at me.

“Carol Burnett Show,” I say.

He nods, lights a Black and Mild (Original Plastic Tip).

“So can you fix it?”

He frowns at me, purses his lips in a look that says, “Woman, please.”

We turn to where Mary is still hunkered down. Laughing to herself, she looks up. “Pearl! You’ve got a wig in your tailpipe!” She shakes her head, laughs until tears roll down her face.

I look at Jon. He nods and grins, digs an elbow into my ribs. “I’m going to need you to distract Mary for a while,” he says.

40 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I LOVE Mary.

Shelly said...

Hmmm- do I detect the telltale sign of Ms. Liza Bean Bitey at work here? Where was the last place she took the car?

The Angry Lurker said...

Who did you hit apart from Mary when you distracted her...very good.

jabblog said...

A simple solution then? A wash and blow dry?

Matthew MacNish said...

How can you possibly drive in winter without heat?

CarrieBoo said...

Toupee killer!

Vicus Scurra said...

" a wig stuck in your muffler". Sounds very rude. That is all.

Pat said...

Mary cheers up the day.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I do a killer Tim Conway/Mr. Tudball imitation. I crack me and my kids up.

"Mrs.-ah-Whiggins"

Daisy said...

You have the most interesting friends Pearl, and cats, and car! I wonder which one lost a toupee.

Eva Gallant said...

Looks like a rather hairy problem!

Glen said...

There are worse things to find stuck up your tail pipe I guess...

Jocelyn said...

I'm heading out now to the silk screening shop to get a t-shirt made that features an image of huge foam finger with the words "Mary's #1 Fan" inside it.

Leenie said...

Mr. Tudball, "Hah minny tahms du I haf to tell yu...." (Bangs head against file cabinet. Toop falls into trash; trash goes to dumpster next to The Piece of Sheet; POS inhales toop.--Tah, Dah! Wig in muffler).

Pearl said...

Thursdays are always a very busy day for me but had to drop in to see how many people 1.) love Mary and 2.) remember Mr. Tudball. :-)

It's just as I suspected!

Nezzy said...

I love Tim and equally love Mary. Maybe Jon can sell her some blinker fluid and get her on her way! Heeehehehe!

I totally enjoy both my read and the laugh here today.

God bless ya and have a beautiful day!!! :O)

Joshua said...

It's been a longtime since I've heard someone make a Tim Conway reference. You just made my day, Pearl.

Sush said...

It's got to be said...you bring it up, I'll jump in...'There's something about Mary'.
'Nuff said...
Hugs~

fishducky said...

I used to love Tim Conway's "little old man"--until I started to walk like one..........

SparkleFarkle said...

Day-after-day lately--I'd say maybe since Monday--My daughter, Puppet, takes one look at me in the morning and says, "Something is really weird or is completely not-like what it appears to be, Weenie." (She calls me Weenie. Don't ask.)

Well, I couldn't figure out what was up, so I typed that phrase--minus the "Weenie"--into the Google, and, not unlike your exhaust system, it spits out the word "wiggy." But here's the thing, I've never taken refuge in a tailpipe.

Two minutes later, I have to use the Powder Room (I seldom, if ever, call it "The Powder Room," but today I thought it'd be fun--live it up, huh, SparkleFarkle?!--so I did.) The past few AMs, I've been getting up quite early. That means I've been dressing in the dark. As I pull up my grundies, I notice the back of them is in the front! Slight of hand? No, I think not, because I hate magic. Even when Johnny Carson performed it, I didn't like it --except for Carnac. But was that really considered magic? I dunno. The conclusion:: I've been putting my underwear on backward for the last couple o' daze! And, I do mean daze, because you'd have to be a pretty BIG weenie, not to know your clothes are wadly wrong-sided.

Point being: I love Mrs. Wiggins, whose underwear became her. I'm sure her tombstone will read, "SHE WORE THEM WELL."

Well, lookee thar! I jist posted an entire blog entry in your comment section. OOPS! Sorry!

Kelley said...

This made me laugh out loud! I love, love that you referenced Tim Conway and The Carol Burnett Show! I could watch that forever. Ha!

NotesFromAbroad said...

I love Mary and now I love John too.
I am sorry but I never knew there was such a thing as a muffler with fiberglass / wig inside.

SparkleFarkle is pretty funny too.

NYEMT said...

Never heard of Mr. Tudball...nor watched the Carol Burnett Show.

Sorry.

Distracting Mary, however, sounds like it has the potential for full-time employment. Trading that for Jon keeping the P.O.S(heet) in running order may not be a bad trade, inasmuch as it sounds like the latter may be a full-time occupation as well. ;)

AllenTesch said...

Funny, clever dialogue that actually sounds like how people talk? What?

Simply Suthern said...

Them dang cats! Now ya know where they put the hairballs.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

"Mrs. Ha-Whiggins!...Mrs. Ha-Whiggins!"
She was always sharpening his pencil, in her skirt.
I hate when I have a wig stuck in my tailpipe.
Ba-Dum-bum. Thank you! I'm here all week!
(hilarious post, mah friend :) )

Belle said...

We used to drive pieces of sheet all the time. Those were the days of carburators on the dining room table. Mary is a crack-up and we still say Mrs. a Wiggins once in awhile to get a good laugh.

Gigi said...

Oh jeez Pearl - just HOW does one go about getting a wig stuck in their tailpipe? Even I haven't managed to do that yet to my POS.

jenny_o said...

Loved the Carol Burnett show.

Her "Gone With the Wind" skit (can be found on youtube, of course, what can't?) is hilarious.

Great post. Do you have a sequel or two up your sleeve? The story's barely begun, if you ask me!

River said...

Even tailpipes like to feel pretty sometimes.

HermanTurnip said...

Oddly enough, I listen to Tim Conway Jr's talk show every night on the radio while driving home. Fantastic show! He's as brilliant as his father. All he's missing is Dorf...

The Elephant's Child said...

How did you distract Mary?

Amber Star said...

It made me happy to hear Mrs. Ha Wiggins again, too. The Carol Burnette show helped civilize my kids in that they were watching tv with me and it was good and good for them, too. Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

Mary is a trip, too.

darlin said...

LOL this is awesome Pearl! I love your humor, even at 2:24am when I'm so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open! lol Have an awesome weekend!

Tempo said...

For god sake woman...give that thing a brush. (looks more like a merkin)

the walking man said...

Now that was a hair raisng story.

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

Great memories of sitting around the TV on Saturday nights, laughing our heads off at Tim Conway. Thanks!

Amy said...

Like Mary, I have a great friend who really amuses herself. There are plenty of times where she has said something she thinks is funny, and is laughing so hard that she doesn't notice no one else is laughing. In the end, I laugh more at her complete sense of self-amusement than at what she said. Great fun!

Beelzebug said...

LOL Funny and well written

Jo said...

I love both you and Mary.

I ended up on YouTube watching Mr. Tudball for two hours after this post. It was a lot of fun, thanks for the reminder!