I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Welcome to Super America! Could I Interest You in a Pedicure? No? Perhaps You'd Like to Talk to a Dream Analyst?

I spent all of yesterday with Mary, while her Jon fixed the exhaust system on my car, an automobile known, thanks to my Ukrainian friend Maryna, as "piece of sheet". I had no access to a computer and was unable to write, so please to enjoy another day I spent with Mary, a day no coffee option would go un-noticed...

I picked up Mary Saturday morning. We had a full day of cooking and cleaning ahead of us, and a drop-in at the Super America for coffee was in order.

I guess it had been a while since I’d been in a gas station but boy! The lousy economy has really brought out the competitive spirit in some of these places!

What I wanted was a coffee.

What I got was an eyeful – and a seat at the Mary and Pearl Sketch Comedy Hour.

Picture, if you will, Mary and Pearl. It is 7:30 or so on a Saturday morning. They have a long drive ahead of them, followed by hours of work.

Yet they are silly.

They are each clutching a recently poured, large, black coffee; and are staring rather blankly at the multitude of coffee-related add-ons: flavored syrups, flavored creams, sugar and sugar-like substitutes.

“@#$%!” I enthuse. “What in the world is going on here?”

“I remember when this place was a gas station,” Mary mutters.

We count six kinds of coffee; six cappuccino flavors; nine flavored creams, half-and-half, whole milk, skim milk, and 2%; a dozen flavored syrups; one sugar and three sugar substitutes.

There are also eight teas.

I thought I’d fall over laughing. “Holy crap, Mary!”

Mary’s bright blue eyes get just a touch brighter and I kn0w we are in trouble. “Hey, Pearl,” she yells from one end of the Trail of Coffee, “Have you seen the whipped cream?”

“It’s over here by the sprinkles,” I say, laughing.

“Oh, tell me they have the little flavored marshmallows!”

“Hmm,” I say. “They have flavored marshmallows, mini marshmallows, extra large marshmallows, marshmallow mattresses, licorice whips, jelly beans and Swedish fish.”

“Grab me a couple mouthfuls of the Swedish fish,” Mary laughs. “Really, though, what the hell? It’s not even light outside and these are more decisions than I normally make in a whole day.”

“What are we supposed to be doing here?” I fret. “Can my coffee support a caramel syrup shot and hazelnut cream? Is it safe to mix Splenda and Equal? At what point does the coffee stop being coffee and turn into dessert?”

“Times is tough,” Mary shrugs. “I’m surprised they aren’t giving away more of this kinda stuff just to get people in!”

“Hey,” I say, laughing. “Where’s my free donut holes?!”

“Where’s my pedicure?!”

“Where's my free coffee with a purchase of a coffee?" Mary leans heavily on a counter top and wipes tears of laughter from her eyes and I can't keep this goofy grin off my face. "Can’t you just see it?” I ask. “They got all this stuff lined up, people are milling about, clumps of huddled, confused women trying to determine, now that they’ve come in for coffee, what syrup they should add, what cream –“

“—whether or not they should add a handful of Swedish Fish to it – “

“They’re going to need a therapist at the end of line, by the cashier, giving out hugs and certificates of completion –“

“—and afterward a representative from the gas station will follow you out to your car, thanking you for your business and then offering to hold you on his lap and burp you –“

“Pfft. I can’t believe they don’t offer that already. Who's gonna burp me? I did NOT come to the Super America only to have to belch on my own!”

“I know, right?” Mary says. “Sometimes I’m just so lonely!”

“I’m gonna write a letter,” I say. “Really, something must be done to further our sense of phony-baloney entitlement around here…”

It is at that point that Mary and I agree that not enough free stuff is being pushed in our direction, whereupon we pay for our coffees, are hugged and burped by the manager, and proceed to our cleaning job.

Saturday was a good day, but I never did finish drinking that large coffee.


Jo said...

I SO want to hang out with you two. But I guess I'll have to settle for blog-stalking...

jabblog said...

Hope the sheet is working properly now and that Mary's mouth has recovered.

Anonymous said...

I don't care how much stuff they offer to drop in my coffee..I'll have it black thanks. Good to see Mary is back to her fun loving self now that the tooth issue is resolved.

jenny_o said...

My favourite line has to be:

"“@#$%!” I enthuse."

So unexpected, so quirky, so perfect.

Ms Sparrow said...

There are way too many ways to pollute a good cup of coffee!

SparkleFarkle said...

I always wanted to catch me some of them thar Swedish Fish, but I didn't know what kind of bait to use. Now I know: goofballs-->YOU and MARY!

Shelly said...

Gosh- I never learned to drink coffee, but all those choices make it sound kind of fun.

The Elephant's Child said...

Decisions, decisions, decisions. I can't make my first decision without a cup of tea and now they are making that a decision in itself. I may just go back to bed. Hibernate summer away.

Sush said...

I finally got rid of my sheet car after 15 years, but as I'm a tea drinker I am glad they do offer that choice at the gas stations!


Gigi said...

I learned the hard way (via way too many pounds to count) black coffee is the only way to go.

JohnD said...

I have absolutely no idea of what a Super America is but I can make an educated guess. Sounds like a "WoW!" of a place, I'll google and have a look.

ps - why doesn't your blog include photographs?

Daisy said...

One of our car dealerships/auto repair just built a new place, and included a hair salon! Get your curls curled while getting your oil changed! I don't think it's free tho!

Julianna said...

You should see what happens around here when Dunkin Donuts gives out free coffee.

It's like Christmas at the mall.


Jayne Martin said...

I think I've been to that gas station. It has a clone off the 101 in California. Every fricken' thing you could think of to put in your coffee, but you think I could find just the damn plain 1/2 & 1/2?

Linda O'Connell said...

My friend and I used to hee-haw like that in the card aisle. Your blog makes my day.

Eva Gallant said...

You two are a hoot! There oughta' be a law!

Murr Brewster said...

"...certificate of completion..." WAAK!

River said...

Faced with that many choices, I probably would have bought a bottle of water.
Thanks for the laughs.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Oh how I loves me the Mary stories. :)

Amy said...

SA is only trying to simplify things, so we don't have to memorize the 19 and a half titles that go into getting a cup just the way we like it. Venti non-fat soy iced carmel macchiato. It is the convenience store way of saying what every Starbucks barista wishes they could say, "Get it your damn self!"

Tom G. said...

Grocery shopping drove me to anti depressants. The anxiety of searching through 57 different varieties of ketchup was just too much.