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Thursday, January 5, 2012

Over Here! Over Here! Can You Explain to Us Just How Long You Plan on Being Ill?

Don’t let ‘em fool you: it’s hard work being sick. My second day in a row of not having gone to work and so far I’ve vacuumed, made my bed, washed the dishes, and bleached both cats.

Against their will.

I have also, of course, continued to evade the make-believe press intensely interested in my health and the status of my next book.

Miss Pearl! Miss Pearl! You’ve not worn pants with a zipper for almost a week now! Can you let us know how the elastic waistband has affected your eating habits?


Their shouted questions are drowned out by my second bath of the day.

The problem is that I’m not from people who “take” to being sick. My mother, for example, the woman who went grades 1 through 12 with perfect attendance, has missed exactly two days of work in her lifetime: both days following a roll-over accident during the height of rush hour, a bit of heart-flipping excitement that nets her a spot on that evening’s news.

She moans from the couch, arm in a sling and a bruise the size of a Rottweiler on her back. The image of her on a Gurney being loaded, head first, into the back of an ambulance fills the TV screen. “For cryin’ out loud, Paul,” she cries, “would you look at that angle! Look at how big my hips are!”

There is no footage, no hip-heavy perspective of my last few days, but even if there were, I believe I’ve made my ancestors proud.

I'm on the mend, productive, and clean. Just how we like it.

43 comments:

Joshua said...

The Wife can tell when I'm really sick because I'm not cleaning anything. But, she can also tell that I'm feeling better because I start cleaning again. Mine's OCD, though.

Pearl said...

Joshua, growing up my mother always had at least three things going. I think my need to clean is inherited.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

The least they could do for you is a small spot on the news, "local woman suffering at home, has forgotten how to do up pants".

haphazardlife said...

You Minnesotan women are a tough breed indeed.

Pearl said...

Delores, dagnabit! I want my 15 minutes!!

haphazardlife, we're also attractive and thrifty. :-)

Shelly said...

Your mom sounds so much like my mom. When she retired after 37 years of teaching kindergarten, she had almost 300 days of unused sick leave. The women from that generation are made of tough stuff.

skoots1mom said...

yep, i'm from a long line of clean, strong women also...I'm probably the laziest of the bunch yet, but my surgery-induced menopause has interrupted my 'normal'
loved your post!

Lisa Golden said...

I've been told I don't know how to be sick. Why would I want to possess that skill? I'm Midwestern.

Pat Tillett said...

Either way it sucks...
The dead give away is the no zipper. That is clearly a symptom of illness.

Simply Suthern said...

If I start cleaning call the ambulance. Time is short.

Kara said...

I'm also a multi-tasking women, so when I get sick, it gives me a lovely excuse to stop. I say, "enjoy the couch and stretchy pants while you have the chance!"

Ach du lieber said...

I'd venture to say that you've had nothing but socks on your feet, too. Slippers are the first sign of recovery.

Glad you're on the mend.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

And what is the status of your book? And your elastic pants? ;)
Your mom is da bomb.

Eva Gallant said...

The clean gene skipped me. I have to force myself to clean...my dream was always to be able to afford a cleaning lady. I'm 67 and my dream has yet to come true.

jenny_o said...

Don't let the make-believe pappar...paper...paparraz...PRESS....write anything unflattering. Wear your BIG sunglasses.

And get better quick.

R. Jacob said...

Midwesterners are a tough breed. Sick days are to accumulated not used. Nyquil is my best friend when I am sick. A couple of chugs and off to beddy bye! Feel better "princess of the prose!"

ray

Elizabeth Rose Stanton said...

Glad you're feeling better. Btw, how (and why) does one bleach a cat?

20prospect said...

They say gurney's are notorious for making you look like you put on 15 lbs.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I remember cleaning, I think. Nowdays, multitasking means blogging while eating banana bread.

Macy said...

Pearl! it's the wrong time of year to get sick (dagnabit as they say round yours)Look everyone's sick January first until they see the first snowdrop of spring... hang on in there, only another four weeks to go

Sarah said...

I am also curious about this cat-bleaching process.

Joanne said...

Yeah, how DO your bleach cats against their will.

Jo said...

I'm here for the bleaching of the cats question...

so darned glad I'm not the only one who wonders!

Pearl said...

Why did I bleach the cats?

Ummm. Stains?

:-) Honestly, I have no idea why I write such things. A silly woman made sillier by sickness/isolation, I suppose.

The Elephant's Child said...

You bleached the cats to improve their chances of getting to heaven. Cleanliness is next to ...
I think the stains on a cat's character are permanent though.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

You're clean? What about those cats?

Carol said...

When I'm sick, I go to work. I love to share my misery and if I have to feel like crap I might as well get paid for it! Feel better!

Gigi said...

Hmmmm...I'm very curious....if one can bleach the cats safely (against their will) can one also bleach the male species that resides in your home safely (and against their will)? Because both of mine are in some serious need of bleach!

Belle said...

I'm glad to hear you are on the mend. My mom and dad were the same. They rarely missed work. My daughters go to work sick all the time. I'm sure their co-workers appreciate it.

Linda O'Connell said...

I think I saw a You Tube videos of you makimg the rounds; now isn't that better than a wide hipped angle ont he nightly news?

leanneoddduck said...

I am all for bleaching cats, and i clean when i'm bored, too. But, rest. Rest,rest rest.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I once went to school while very sick with a high fever. I was hallucinating but I wasn't going to miss the end of the year movie. It was 'The Snowball Express' a goofy Disney comedy. I was seeing things that weren't there like a Yeti in every ski scene. I know he was there. He called my name specifically.

Argent said...

I hope Liza Bean and/or Dolly Gee don't wreak some horrible revenge upon you for the bleaching. Make sure someone trustworthy knows where to find the envelope in case anything untoward should happen to you.

River said...

You bleached the cats???
Wow. You're as tough as old boots to even attempt that.
I hope you feel well enough to wear zippered pants again soon.

Tempo said...

For Joanne...How do you bleach cats WITH their will?

Oh come on now Pearl, surely you can get hold of a camera? Just a minute on YouTube would help us all settle much better into sleep tonight.

the walking man said...

WOW!!! Your mom must be hell on wheels...seriously it took a rollover to get her to stay home from work for two days...what was it like birthing you at her job site? You weren't like swaddled in bubble wrap until her shift ended were you?

NotesFromAbroad said...

I bet your hips are in good shape too.
I am sorry you have not been well. You should have been here .. the heat would have baked those germs right out of you ... gaggghhhh !
love you. get well !
bleached cats smell funny, don't they ?

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Now I'm wondering if one can bleach a DOG.

jabblog said...

Everyone's said it all . . . get well, keep well:-)

Daisy said...

Get well soon Pearl!
It's good to know that Ms Lisa and Ms Dolly are now sterilized and germ free.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I'm so glad you're on the mend! I've been AWOL myself: out of the writing groove. Starting to think there might be life outside the internet.

Say it ain't so.

Pat said...

Good news Pearl. Normal healthy people don't take kindly to being under the weather.

Toni said...

Funny, because I've written a book called "How To Be Sick"! It's not for people who get sick and get better -- it's for the chronically ill who really do need to learn how to be sick with grace and purpose.

Loved your post!