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Saturday, January 28, 2012

Mary Was a Loving and Tasty Friend

The following events took place a little over two months ago. The names have not been changed as no one I know is innocent.


The house seems cooler than usual. Then again, it is a rather smallish house shrouded in a rather large-ish winter.

Within minutes, the temperature in the living room has seemingly plummeted, and we have gone from putting our coats on to trying to get the dog to sit nearer, purely for warmth.

T-Bone, Black Lab of Great Sincerity, is only happy to oblige.

“What’s going on here?” Mary stands up and wanders over to the thermostat, which she eyes suspiciously. She taps its cover with an index finger.

“Good job there, Fuzzy,” Jon says.

“Shaddap,” she says, good-naturedly. “Is it me or is it cold in here?”

Mary sits down next to me on the couch, tries to pull the dog closer. “Get yer own dog,” I mock-hiss.

“Pfffft,” she says. She pulls her coat tighter. “But seriously, Jon. It’s cold in here and getting colder.” She stands up, stares out the window at the snow drifts that have covered their sidewalk, their mail box. A thought occurs to her, one in which she indulges fully.

“Holy Hannah,” she shouts, turning around, “Do you think our furnace has gone out? We can’t afford that! What’s going on here? Where are we? What year is it? WHO’S GOT THE SIGNAL FLARES?!” Mary, cracking herself up, collapses on the dog, laughing. “We’re prolly gonna freeze to death, T-Bone,” she mutters into his ear.

Jon looks at me, winks. “The furnace didn’t go out, you hysterical female you.”

“Jon,” I say, “If we’re all gonna die anyway, what do you say we kill Mary and eat her for dinner? Would that be wrong?”

Jon stares a hole through me, possibly giving it real thought. You can never tell with him. He just may be weighing whether or not I’m serious.

Mary looks me straight in the eye, a mysterious smile playing on her lips. “There’s onions in the fridge, but we’re out of taties.”

“Out of taties!” I shout, scandalized. I pause, consider our menu options. “Any corn starch?”

“Flour,” she says. “Oh, and I haven’t exercised in months, so I’m thinking you’ll want to avoid the rump.”

There is a WHUMP sound as the furnace kicks on.

Mary, Jon, and I exchange looks as T-Bone’s tail thumps.

Standing up and shaking his head, Jon heads toward the basement. “And that’s enough of that,” he says.

32 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Saved by the WHUMP. How quickly our thoughts turn to survival mode when the temperature drops.

sage said...

What did ya'll have to drink? When I saw your title, all I could think was the bastardization of that nursery rhyme, "Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece as white as snow, Mary took him to school one day, between slices of bread"

JeannetteLS said...

Makes one think perhaps an invitation that comes from you that goes, "We'd LOVE to have you for dinner" should give one pause...

darsden said...

:-)

Nessa Roo said...

There's a dog named T-bone, and your thinking about Mary's rump roast?!!

Pearl said...

Delores, we're a silly and dramatic people, particularly in the winter!

sage, nothing to drink. :-) We come by this naturally.

Jeannette, if you ever go to Mary's house, do NOT accept her offer of a salty garlic rub. She's just trying to soften you up.

Dar! Baby! How the heck are ya?!

Pearl said...

Nessa, oh, T-Bone's too sweet to eat for dinner. He's more of a dessert.

Amber Star said...

Oh Pearl...is your last name Donner? just wondering...

Pearl said...

Amber, oh, how I wish I had worked that into the post. :-)

Joanne said...

Those bitter minutes before the furnace kicks on--I think freezing to death is more swift than starving to death.

Eva Gallant said...

Winter in Minnesota is similar to winter in Maine, I see. Although I can see I need to make some tastier friends.

Ms Sparrow said...

Wouldn't lack of exercise tend to make the rump meat more tender? Just wondering...

Pearl said...

Joanne, no one wants to die on an empty stomach...

Eva, :-) Tastier friends indeed! This is why we carry those little bags of carrots and salt and pepper containers in the glovebox of the car. Just in case, you know, we get stranded somewhere..

Ms. Sparrow, Mary doesn't have much of a butt to speak of, actually. :-) I think it might be a bit stringy -- but with sour cream? Maybe in a crockpot over a long period of time??

ThreeOldKeys said...

:)

[ insert witty comment here ]

Wanderoke said...

And with the WHUMP of the furnace, my mind goes straight to that early computer game "Hunt the Wumpus"

*sigh*

wanderoke.blogspot.com

terlee said...

Jon, the long-suffering straight man in the triad. Too funny.

fishducky said...

Would the admonition "Don't play with your food" be appropriate here?

jenny_o said...

In the dead of winter, you can never be too prepared. Get some taties, stat!

I love T-Bone's name :)

Nezzy said...

Heeehehehe, I'd take a T~Bone over a 'rump' any day of the week but good thing we we're all saved by the...;;;;;;;;;;"WHUMP!!!"

Thank God for WHUMPS. :o)

God bless ya sweetie and have a great weekend!!!

mrwriteon said...

Newly-tanned and Florida freckled, I resent you but still love you.
That welcoming 'WHUMP' can mean everything. We're all such wimps these days.

Glen said...

no one could eat Mary without potatoes - it would just be wrong on so many levels

Susan in the Boonies said...

Donner, Party of 3: your carcass is ready.

The Elephant's Child said...

How considerate of Mary to warn you to stay clear of her rump. A true friend.

Daisy said...

:-) Always good to have a dog!

Jayne Martin said...

Well, at least you didn't consider eating the dog.

W.C.Camp said...

Oh sure he was right THIS TIME but let me tell you from experience ... when it is cold you can never have enough 'WHUMP' in your life!! Well written and entertaining post! W.C.C.

Jo-Anne's Rambling said...

Ok since the dog is named T Bone and T Bone is a cut of steak then maybe you should had thought about eating the dog.........lol

Symdaddy said...

I have three dogs!

That's a great 12-legged blanket right there.

Who needs a 'WHUMP'?

River said...

Were you going to serve Mary with gravy? Because then you could make dumplings with the flour and have stew.

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

I'm wondering...do you have to sit on the lid while boiling "marys" the way you do with lobsters who scream and jump out of the pot?
Rosemary

Jocelyn said...

I always think the ear lobes would make the kind of hors d'oeuvres that would win a TOP CHEF quickfire challenge.

Buttons said...

I am enjoying your tales. B