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Monday, January 9, 2012

In Lieu of a Raise, Please Accept This Handsome Key Chain

And now, a brief note from our CEO and President, your friend and mine, Randolph T. Freakly the Third.

Take it away, Randolph.


Hi, everyone. Thank you for taking the time to attend this meeting. As you know, we here at Acme Sprockets and Grommets take our meetings very seriously. First there are the meetings where we discover the need for another meeting, the meetings where we discuss the language to be used in the meetings, the meeting itself, of course, and then the follow-up meetings we have insofar as damage control and finger-pointing.

We've arrived, as you know, at the end of Q3; and once again we’ve reached the time of year when we contemplate the possibility of a pay increase.

Let us contemplate that together, shall we?

“Raise”: the word looks friendly, doesn’t it? Don’t let it fool you, though. The raise is not your friend! Why be hassled with the possibility of jumping into another tax bracket? Why worry about what to do with that extra cash? And consider this: the phonetic spelling of the word “raise” is “raze”, which, unbeknownst to many, is a word meaning “to tear down”. And isn’t that awful? Why would you want anything to do with a word like that?

I say no, sir. No! Not for my employees!

You people are like family to me.

And that’s why, this year, there will be no so-called “raises”.

The very idea is insulting.

No, sir. This year, I want you to get back to me – take your time! – and let me know: What can the Executive Team here at Acme Grommets and Gravel give you in lieu of money, vacation time, increased medical or dental insurance, or other purported “benefits”?

Want one of us to change your car’s oil? Need someone to pumice your feet? Clean your catbox? Visit your mother? Hey! What say I drop by your house later and brush your hair? These are the kinds of things we’re willing to do to keep you satisfied, motivated, and, with any luck, quiet, here at Acme Gravel and Garage Doors.

Remember: my door is always open, my ear’s always available, and my lawyer’s on retainer.

Best of wishes from Your Pal in the Corner Office,

Randolph T. Freakly the Third

36 comments:

haphazardlife said...

Sigh...

Simply Suthern said...

Throw me to the wolves and give me my raise.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

You forgot about all the goals you have to meet and presentations you have to make about the goals you did or did't reach before you qualify to apply for that there key chain which may or may not be awarded to you depending on how many they have and which of their friends got theirs first. You may only get 1/3 of that key chain in which case you will have to share a cubicle with the others who got the remaining percentage as it will take all of you to do one job from now on. (shared paycheque of course) I think I worked in Corporate Canada too too long.

Shelly said...

Some folks are oilier than a BP spill...

Pearl said...

Ain't that the truth?! ANd Delores, thanks for the reminder: there are GOALS to not receiving a raise! Plans to put in place as to how you will up your performance for the coming year! Ack.

Eva Gallant said...

Another reminder of why I'm glad I'm retired!

bill lisleman said...

a good CEO can justify anything - you are not losing your job, we are offering you a chance for a career change. When they start eating their own bullshit it really stinks.
I have a few pins and dried up pens to show for my time.

Pearl said...

Eva, wondering if I'll ever retire...

Bill, I have a heavy glass commemoration of how many years I've been at this particular place -- heavy enough to do some real damage and absolutely worthless.

R. Jacob said...

I knew that it was Lou's fault for not getting that raise!
Ah yes, the year end review. We have to rate ourselves and then have our review of ourselves rated by our area manager who then is reviewed by upper management to see if all the bull sh#t that I wrote was appropriate and useless. That kind of writing I am good at, saying it so eloquently and useless nothing at all.

did you get the key chain and bottle opener?

jabblog said...

Maybe next year?

The Dancing Donkey said...

This would be so much funnier if it wasn't so true.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

We used to get a little framed certificate and a gift every five years for being stupid enough to take their b******t that long. Staff called it the "idiot award".

Sush said...

My key drawer no longer opens for all the **key chains as raises we have.
Criminee~

KleinsteMotte said...

Well I must say that i read this several times because it made me question the reason for the use of the word KEY and CHAIN and why the CEO doesn't get the name of his company right?
Ha ha this is a brilliant piece!!
Garage doors are keyless. They are raised at a push of a button.
Perhaps employees need to reform and not be so easily pushed by the CEO?

jenny_o said...

Brilliant!

I love how Mr. Freakly can't even get the name of his company right :)

Hey, couldn't you use that heavy glass commemoration as a personal and home protection device? Or is it too heavy to throw?

Glen said...

I'd stick my neck out and ask for a signed nudey photo of Mrs. Randolph T. Freakly the Third but that's me for you

Leenie said...

I'll take CLEAN THE CAT BOX EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR and SCRAPE THE HARD WATER OFF MY BATHROOM TILE. Yeah, some things might even be more painful than giving a raise, Randolph T. Freakly the Third.

KaLynn ("MiMi") said...

Does this mean you need a tree to hang all your key chains on? We have a lot of dead branches and trees down here if you need me to ship you one. How big do you need? Or do you just need a big shovel to put that manure back where it belongs?? =0)

JohnD said...

And .... No raise, but extra responsibilities, a new title and two more dumb asses to supervise 'cos the boss hired two of his college mates where the only thing they know is the college song!

Kelley said...

Ha! So hilarious. Love how he even volunteers to visit mothers. How kind of him!

Belle said...

I remember during the recession in the 1980s my husband didn't get a raise for years and he was in a union. Tough times. I'm sorry.

Silliyak said...

It would have been accurate to have said "Take this keychain as a token of the esteem we have for you"

bill lisleman said...

Pearl - this post inspired me to post about company awards - thanks
oh I gave you a shout out too.

SOL's view said...

Ah raise. We get our raises geared to the CPI here. This years puts me into the next tax bracket. $50 a week gross means $20 a week in the hand. Tax goes up, super contributions go up. Who needs a raise anyway...

:)

Jayne Martin said...

Yep. The workers get screwed again in the light bulb factory of life.

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

oh, the cat litter box. YES!!!! come clean the box, every Sunday night for the rest of my life/or the cat's life, and you won't have to even pay me forever!!!!!!!
Rosemary

Jo said...

I have a previously unknown bloodthirsty streak that slyly suggests that I would take the glass commemoration thingy and beat someone's head in with it....as long as it didn't have my name on it. Because then I'd have to report it stolen first. *sigh*

My job almost sounds good right now. (and there is a world of wrong in that statement)

Austan said...

Hey I worked for him! When I retired he gave me a single foot-long hot dog wrapped in plastic with "Good luck" written on it in magic marker. What a guy!

savannah said...

i am so glad i'm out of corporate, politics and cubicle life in general, sugar! xoxoxoxo

The Elephant's Child said...

Need someone to pumice your feet? Clean your catbox?
Why yes as it happens I do? Do you think he would stop by? Anytime.

River said...

I'd prefer the raise.
I like money.
That is all.

Nance said...

I throw a cyber-shoe at Mr. Freakly's head. I'd like for him to chew some of the gravel in Acme's parking lot.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Tell me the truth, you really write stump speeches for Republican political candidates, don't you?

Tom G. said...

Every year when budget time comes around they ask me how many patent filings they should budget for my group in the coming year. My stock response is "How much are you willing to pay? because I've got several multi-million dollar inventions right up here (taps forehead), and they can all be your if the price is right."

Oddly enough, they never find that funny.

Steve Bailey said...

I kinda would like my CEO to pumice my feet! Man I would wear the same socks for a week leading up!

Georgie Horn said...

omg...you would never believe one year we received leftover tshirts from a past event...but get this. we were in a staff meeting where we had to yell across the room what size shirt we needed.

ok, if you're a size 2 you don't mind saying, "small please," daintily. But, when you're a freaking size BIG, you really don't want to yell. "I NEED A 2X!!" Across the sea of size 2s. dammit.