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Friday, January 13, 2012

If You’re Going to Insist on Freezing

Psst. Hey. Hey you! Got a minute?

What if I was to tell you that my iPod, set on “shuffle” and played during my morning’s commute, told the future? Would you believe me?

You would?

I knew there was something funny about you.

Shh. Let’s listen:

Howlin’ for You by The Black Keys
I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance with You by Black Kids
Suddenly… (I Miss Carpaty) by Gogol Bordello
Electric Feel by MGMT
Learn to Fly by Foo Fighters
Low Rising by The Swell Season
I Can’t Get Next to You by The Temptations

So that’s it! There’s the future! What’s it mean, you say? Sorry – that costs extra.


Yes, sir, winter’s begun in earnest; and you know what that means.

It’s time to laugh and point.

Dear Fellow Bus Rider, why? Why do you persist in your ways?

You! Why do you insist upon wearing pants belted just below your butt cheeks? Why are you wearing an overly large parka, your arms pulled in, the sleeves flapping uselessly in the driving wind? You look miserable, truly miserable. What you’re wearing is the equivalent of wearing nothing at all. True, it lacks the entertainment quality of standing at the bus stop naked; but your enormous jeans and jacket are no match for a winter gale. I can see that you are – what? – 16? 17? Allowances for your stupidity have been made. Still. Wherever you are from, you need to return there, immediately, before they find your silly, frozen body on the sidewalk and we are forced to shovel around you.

But you! Lady on the Bus! Heels? Heels?! You’re old enough to know better.

And before you go imagining an elegant woman, long-legged, fashionable, and from a part of the world that knows not the ways of the winter, let me assure you that Ms. It-Says-“Juicy”-On-The-Seat-Of-My-Pants is from here.

This ain’t her first time around the ice rink.

Part of me – the smug, warm part of me, liberally layered in wool, down, and occasionally, cats – wants the bus to break down, to be told that we need to walk to the next stop and that it’s, oh, a mile away. I, Nanook of the North, will trudge bravely forward, cracking my whip at the sled dogs and shouting encouragement while Ms. Three-Inch Heels totters down the steps of the bus and plants herself face first into a snow bank.

This is where the laughing and pointing part comes in.

It’s Minnesota. Our heating bills are sky-high, the days are six hours long, and exposed flesh freezes.

Otherwise, go about your business, fellow commuters. I have no strong feelings about this.

35 comments:

♥ Braja said...

omg we're so SYNCHRONIZED. Freezing. Blogging. ka-CHING!!!

The Angry Lurker said...

It's quite nice here...mild I would say!

Shelly said...

Darn, Pearl- I didn't think you'd recognize me on the bus. The three inch heels? I like to appear really tall. That's it, nothing more.

CarrieBoo said...

Hahahahahahahahaa! Almost makes me wish I had to catch a bus somewhere.

jabblog said...

The folly of youth where fashion (possibly) overcomes sense!

Nessa Roo said...

I wondered why all the snow angels in Minnesota appeared to be wearing three-inch sling-backs with a peek-a-boo toe. Mystery solved.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Ah, to be young and foolish...

Suldog said...

A woman wearing "Juicy" on her ass is basically the equivalent of a man wearing pants that read "Erect" across the front. Whatever they get, they would deserve.

And, uh, I'm willing to pay the extra fee to hear about the future, especially if it foretells the result of the Denver - New England game on Saturday.

Matthew MacNish said...

You must work near Nicollett Mall, or City Center.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

It's all there in the shuffle.
It's not just your area that has winter dummies. We see them here all the time, coats flapping in the breeze and hugging themselves for warmth.

R. Jacob said...

Someone needs some sunshine!

Eva Gallant said...

some people spend the season in denial. . . or a drug induced coma.

Eva Gallant said...

some people spend the season in denial. . . or a drug induced coma.

terlee said...

Very funny post...I'm still grinning. And really hard to believe that anyone in Minnesota wouldn't dress properly (i.e. warm enough to survive) for your kind of winter weather.

Tom G. said...

Minnesota Winter. It's God's way of culling the herd.

Vicus Scurra said...

I yearn for you tragically.

jenny_o said...

Did you say cats or cat hair? Because if cat hair counts as insulation from the cold, I do believe I can now be considered practical, even thoughtfully prepared, rather than messy and in need of a lint roller :)

Belle said...

Often I see teenage girls on cold fall days wearing no sweater or coat at all. They have a scoop-necked top on so the cold wind can give them laryngitis. It amazes me. I rarely see a teen in a winter coat during the winter. Strange.

Susan Kane said...

You had me giggling. Man. Weren't you tempted to 'pants' that kid. I struggle with that temptation. Once I was on an escalator, there was a kid at my eye level with his pants down to butt-cheek. Honest, I could read the label on the boxers. I was soooo tempted.

Andrea said...

I love bus stories, as always. You'd probably make fun of my husband. He never wears a coat. Im pretty sure he's part freak.

Joanne said...

Your usual good read. No thanks for the weather though, which is now sifting 7 to 9 on NE Ohio. Although the local ski areas are in pig heaven.

Ms Sparrow said...

I believe that is called "dying to be Cool" literally!

the walking man said...

Those sweat pants with JUICY on the back and the heels were intended to seduce the HO with his drawers already half down. I think Ms. Liza Bean Bitey of the Minneapolis Bitey's needs to bring you up to speed that fashion is first and there is a reason for everything.

Bodacious Boomer said...

Miss Pearl you're always welcome to come visit here. It's going to be 65 manana. The winters are nice- but in the summer it'll be 186, so come quick.

Gigi said...

Between this post and Tom G's comment I'm howling.

As much as I am a fashion first kinda gal even *I* know you have to wear your snow boots through the weather and put your heels on when you get in the building. And HELLO! I'm from Texas (originally); you know where it NEVER snows and *I* have picked up this useful information.

Some people are idiots and that is all there is to it.

Douglas said...

It's cold here, too. Why, it barely got over 65 today.

mrwriteon said...

I'm liking the idea of Miss 'Juicy' on the seat of her pants. Do you have her number? Otherwise, priceless as always. I just love your bus tales and feel like I'm riding along with you. Actually that would be priceless fun. If I ever come to visit you, can we do that?

Gia said...

Hahaha one of the many many many reasons I don't really wear heels.

Linda O'Connell said...

Teenagers here have an aversion to winter coats. I don't get it. Many boys wear shorts, granted they are longer than some women's skirts, but still! Shorts at 27 degrees.

klahanie said...

Hi Pearl,
I have noticed you have quite the 'passion' for public transport. All things 'Metro', per chance. Which reminds me, I have discovered that the term 'Metrosexual' is apparently a bizarre fascination with um..public transport :)
Did you know that the further north you go in Britain, where it can get somewhat cold, the less likely you are to see younger folks wearing much in the way of clothing. Especially on a Friday night.
"Yes, sir, winter’s begun in earnest;" And where is 'earnest'? Anywhere near Minnesota?
Take care Pearl and I have been 'a lerted' about your published book. And seriously, hearty congrats on that accomplishment. You have my admiration.
With respect and kind wishes, your way, Gary :)

River said...

I have similar quiet giggles here in our milder winters. Women and younger girls getting around in bum-freezer mini skirts, low necked t-shirts with a token skinny scarf tossed around the neck, shivering and saying to each other, Gosh it's freezing!
Well, duh! Put some clothes on!
They don't even wear hats or gloves!
Me? I rug up as if I were going to the snowfields and I'm toasty warm.

Tempo said...

I cant believe youre not going to spring forward to offer some of your warm clothes Pearl. Surely you cant really be walking away while they slip, slide and end up face down? Ok, so it does sound hilarious...is there a cafe nearby where we can drink java while we watch?

Symdaddy said...

So you are layered? When the onion principle is employed and that can only mean one thing: 'nookies' is off the menu until the thaw comes.

What use are sensible shoes when that burning desire for a 'bonk' can't be satisfied due to the two hour time delay caused by 'peeling'.

A natural contraception method if ever there was one one.

Still lovin' your work, Pearlchen.

Crystal Pistol said...

Just spank them, Pearl. Spank them all! Clearly they need your guidance. :)

Vapid Vixen said...

I literally keep a pair of sneakers in my Jeep for when this inevitably happens to me and I have to walk to the nearest gas station.