I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

GAHHHH, or Now WHERE Did I Leave My Health?

Have I told you my face hurts?

It is at this point in the posting where the smiling voice of my father chimes in with “Your face hurts you? It’s killing me!”

He means well; but let’s ignore him, shall we?

My ears are plugged; my cheekbones sore: and if I hadn’t already had them removed, I would say that my tonsils had grown tonsils. Tonsils that need to come out. Whatever this is that I’ve picked up, it’s not yours, is it? Because if it is – and I suspect that it is – then you can have it back.

I don’t do well at being ill. It overwhelms me, blocks out other thoughts, makes me say things like, “Hey, what if we –“ whereupon I drift off and stare at things.

Of course, it’s the very best of times to ask me to loan you money or talk me into giving you a ride to the airport. I’m quite easygoing when I’m sick.

This feeling of lethargic denseness is not going to happen today, though. No, sir. I’ve stuck a sturdy little pole in the ground (here comes my dad again with a comment about little Poles and, perhaps, one regarding whether or not we can cache a small Czech) and I’m – I’m going to – well.

Well, well, well.

Ladies and gentlemen, go on without me. No, no! I insist. Just drop a couple sandwiches onto my lap and leave me to cradle my broken head in my hands and work quietly on my upcoming album.

Pearl and The Pips Live at the Vegas Lounge. No. A Whiter Shade of Pearl. No, wait. Pearl, Live at Budachan.

If you need me, I’ll be over here. Staring.

Blankly.

Sigh.

39 comments:

Shelly said...

You need to come down to Texas where we were a balmy 78 degrees yesterday and let some of this salty coastal air work its wonders on your sinuses. Really, girl, get Liza Bean working on this right now. I'm sure she can figure something out-

Sush said...

I'm worried this comes from me....on my third round of antibiotics and the grunge just won't go away. Pardon Moi if it's mine...but evidently we are too good at sharing cause it hanging round here way too long.
Feel better soon cause then I'll know it's not mine.

Glen said...

Dads tell the best (and yet worst) jokes. The other day I left my 10 year old breathless after a discussion about milk. He was telling us how you don't just drink or use cow's milk. He went on to talk about ice cream made from different types of species' milk.
In the end we got onto how there was an experiment recently where someone was selling ice-cream made from "human" milk !! We all agreed that we wouldn't want to try it - but then I may have accidentally mentioned that I wouldn't mind working in the factory...


Get well soon :-)

Suldog said...

Here's a virtual tuna salad on pumpernickel (and, to quote my own Dad's vast resource of stock jokes, inflation is so bad, it's now pumpadime.) Hope you feel better soon!

vanilla said...

I am so sorry. Truly, I am.

Leenie said...

(trying to get the visual of Glen at the human milk factory out of my head!!)

I prescribe at least two weeks at a warm, sunny beach. No activity except to roll over and move the beach lounge chair to the next spot of shade.

Joanne said...

My dad would have told you it's a great day for grade A milk. Or, in your case, orange juice.

Daisy said...

Hope you soon feel better Pearl. sending some virtual hugs and whatever food/drink it takes to make you better.

Amber Star said...

Your dad is funny as heck. I see where you get your sense of humor.

Hope you are feeling much better soon. If this is a cold, you will be all well in 14 days or 2 weeks, whichever comes first. (what a doctor I used to work for told his patients with a cold)

jenny_o said...

Well, well, well.

Three holes in the ground.

(Apologies. I don't know many jokes, or should I say groaners, but the ones I DO know are so automatic I couldn't resist.)

jenny_o said...

And I hope you're feeling better very soon.

haphazardlife said...

Poor sweetie. Here's some homemade chicken soup for you. Might not cure anything, but it feels good.

Silliyak said...

I can see you were extensively PUNished as a child. Hope you feel better soon.

mrwriteon said...

Aww! It almost sounds like you have the makings of a 'Man Cold'. Truly, I am sympathetic and I've made some great split pea soup and cornbread and I'd gladly bring you some if only I were in the neighborhood. Get well soon. That's an order.

Douglas said...

Sick again? Or still?

Two words: Chicken soup

That's all I am going to say.

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

Oh, Pearl, I know the feeling -- and the blank stare -- well. I hope you feel better very, very soon!

CarrieBoo said...

I only just lost my sore throat (after a month!) I can't even write when I'm sick... you're doing well mi' luv. :)

Austan said...

Sleep and vitamins, it's our only hope! Take steamy hot shower, wrap up, go back to bed. This stuff keeps taking curtain calls!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Your dads a dear. Pearlie if your cheeks hurt (and maybe your jaw/teeth?) it might be your sinuses. Have you tried steaming your head with hot salty water? Feel better soon.

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, Pearl! I hope you dump whatever it is that you've caught, soon!

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, Pearl! I hope you dump whatever it is that you've caught, soon!

IndigoWrath said...

Hey! How about Pearl Jam-med Full Of Infection", Evanpearlescence, Heartbreak Pearltel (I suspect I'll never sing that properly again) or (duh) Pretty Woman? Shameless I know; that's just how I roll, P. Indigo

River said...

Damn! jenny_o wrote my joke!

"cache a small Czech" is really funny. I love your dad.

Steam your sinuses with salty water like Delores said, get lots of sleep and hopefully you'll be up and at'em again real soon.

Bouncin Barb said...

That's not good Pearl. Are you seeing a doctor for it? Hope it clears up soon and you can do more than sit and stare!! Hugs.

Gigi said...

I stare blankly at nothing a lot....for no good reason.

Sorry you're ill and hope you are back to yourself soon.

*wiping keyboard with sanitizer*

The Jules said...

Would you like to borrow my Medi-Alert bracelet to warn care-givers medics and bystanders about your condition?

Mine says "Hypochondriac" on it.

G.W.S.

savannah said...

ok, so it's not a long hangover, sugar? ;~) no, seriously, i hope you feel better soon! xoxooxoxo

Belle said...

Sweet Pearl, I just finished praying for you. You have been sick a lot the last few months; I'm so sorry and hope you will be well soon. Warm and loving hugs to you.

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

The PLAGUE is doing the rounds. We were lucky to get out alive at Christmas...everyone in Alberta was puking their guts out with Norwok Virus. Then there were those with the green snot and bronchial issues that gave us pause. Now we are holding up in the hot island sun, and not leaving til Spring and new life resumes. Hang on until it goes away, Pearl. You can do it.

Rosemary

HermanTurnip said...

The guy in the cube in front of me has been hacking his lungs out for days. I've been hunkered down in the far corner of my lil' cubicle, Japanese-inspired face mask superglued to my head, cloves of garlic wrapped round my neck, all in an effort stay healthy.

Is something going around that I should know about?

Michelle said...

That's right PEARL..the streets and the UK are a RING!
And they got the DOERING with the OUTRING and they even got INARMSTS .
APPIT .
Yeah- Yeah..they got that, too.
And they even got it with PLABOME !
Life's a bitch with BIBBITY BOBBITY BOO.

Alistair said...

Ha - you should try man-flu. Makes you feel like this....

http://crivensjingsandhelpmaboab.blogspot.com/2010/04/i-hate-flu.html

Get better soon though....

The Elephant's Child said...

Look after yourself and get better soon. You will be missed.
And when you find where you health has been holed up, could you ask it if it knows where mine is?

Linda O'Connell said...

Mono? Sinus infection? Sick of being sick? I hope you kick that crud soon. Antibiotics, I hope. I devour Vitamin C tablets. Sending warm thoughts.

The Angry Lurker said...

Get better soon.....

Bossy Betty said...

When Pearl hurts, we all hurt. Sending you lots of good vibes, baby.

Elizabeth Rose Stanton said...

Fire up some chicken soup, and keep writing (& posting)--at least you will be making the rest of us happy, since we get to read your very engaging, fun blog! :) Hope you are feeling better!

Susan in the Boonies said...

I'm worried about you, Pearly Girl. We need you healthy again!

Amy said...

Trailing sentences and staring blankly? Pearl, have you been hitting the Nyquil again??