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Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Cover Your Mouth! or Lurching towards the Work Place

Something has crawled up in my head and made its home there.

Naturally, I am against this.

“You’re sick a lot,” a wit recently observed.

So I blew my nose, blinked multiple times so as to clear my line of sight, and pointed out that between the bus, the 50-floor building I work in, and yoga, I probably come into contact with 200-some different people in a day and that people are notorious little germ vessels.

And then I blew my nose again.

I see a lot of people in a day; and while I love people, love to watch them, listen to them, compare their idiosyncrasies to my own, I wish more of them would cover their mouths when they cough.

Which brings me, of course, to zombies.

There’s been a lot of talk lately of zombies: how they’re made, how they’re disposed of, whether or not they represent the blue-collar man’s unspoken desire to have the social playing field leveled by something apocalyptic.

Adding my own bit of lint to all this fluffy supposition, it’s my assertion that when the zombies do come, the infestation will most likely start on the morning bus.

Who will notice?

Look around, after all. We face forward: propelled, bus-ly, toward jobs, meetings, perhaps even zombie-like futures. Sallow; wan; pale, even, we Minneapolitans have not seen direct sunlight for several months now.

I pull out my notebook, make notes regarding the possible undead on the bus.

The woman-girl that just tottered on in three-inch heels after climbing over a smallish snow mound, the one up front there digging through her purse for correct change, could it be that she is impervious to cold because she’s a zombie?

The guy in the seat across from me has not blinked for four blocks. Do zombies need to moisten their eyes?

The woman with the notebook, noting the commuting habits and dress of her commuters, the one with the dark circles under her eyes, does she look like a zombie to you?

Ahhhhhhh.

Light-headed and vague, I ride the bus to Target, where I buy Nyquil and cough drops.

And then I turn around and go home.

Yours in working toward a zombie-free world,

Pearl

39 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

If you need meds you know you're not a Zombie.

Shelly said...

Be sure and coat those undead with Germ-X when you get on the bus. It's kind of like their krytonite. And hey- tell your cold the statute of limitations is up. Hoping you are feeling better very soon!

Vicus Scurra said...

We won't mention Santorum then?

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Hang in there Pearl...we're all rooting for you to get better soon.

Joshua said...

Depends on the type of zombie. If they become mindless, motionless lumps that resemble humans, they yes, no one will notice when it starts on the bus. And when they do, it's too late. If they're rage-like zombies (a la "28 Days Later"), they'd eat the bus driver and crash into cars, pedestrians, and buildings. Someone might notice, but even then...too late.

Douglas said...
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Douglas said...

Please get better soon, Miss Pearl. We are just now moving full-bore into winter and it just isn't going to get better.

BTW... that woman/girl in the 3 inch heels... was she wearing a mini-skirt by chance? Just curious. Women always fascinated me by wearing short skirts in freezing weather. Of course, women fascinate me regardless but this is a special fascination.

And, in closing let me say (insert creepy voice) "BRAINS!"

Ach du lieber said...

I'm a zombie everyday until I get that first Diet Pepsi down. Don't shoot anyone in the head until after 10:00 am. Just in case.

Camille said...

Don't forget to get some lemon in ya Pearl. We don't want you coming down with scurvy too. Personally, a little bourbon and honey in the lemon juice plus a few seconds in the microwave would make it a hot toddy...loads more effective than that nyquil stuff.

jabblog said...

It doesn't sound as though you should be venturing out, Pearl, though I understand your urge to share as others have shared with you;-)

Take care!

Symdaddy said...

Posted on behalf of a friend:

Ooohrrrgh goooo! Hgnnnnnght-gnnnght-hno frrrrrurrgin-gdeah grbaht grrrrzompies! Hnuh.


He's been ill for a while.

Basically that means "You have have no f-ing idea about zombies! Huh!"

You know, I think his purple-y-red complexion makes him an ideal candidate for a ride on your bus.

Amy said...

Uh oh! I have it on good authority that a cocktail of Nyquil and throat drops is a potion that most certainly leads to...Zombieism.
Just promise that you won't try to drive the bus once under the influence.
Hope you feel better after your comatose state!

MITM said...

I'm glad you are on your way to expelling the virus previously called Canada. We would not want you to be down and out during winter in Minneapolis. This has got to be one of the best seasons for new material!

And yes, I too believe Zombies use mass transit - gives them something to hold on to. If a zombie loses its balance - well, I tell you, not much else it can do at that point. I saw that in a Lovecraft movie once.

Suldog said...

You raise for me a question I have never heard before, so I'll ask it: Do zombies KNOW that they are zombies? Hmmmmmmmmm.

Jocelyn said...

I saw that same three-inch-heeled-in-the-middle-of-ice-season zombie at the mall the other day. She clacked awkwardly past the Caribou Coffee and made me drop to my knees and beg for Jeebus.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

If I rode the bus every day, I think I'd indulge in a steady diet of Airborne, Emergen-C, and maybe some extra zinc and echinacea just for good measure. As it is, I find myself at a preschool three times a week, so I have a ready supply of all of the above for use at the first tickle at the back of my throat.

SparkleFarkle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SparkleFarkle said...

I hear ya. The Night of the Living Dead extras (<--neighbors whose looks/lifestyle were staggering, as was their gait, but, heck, they were bizarrely "fun," and I like that in a zom-- person!) used to be my playground, till they move away last spring. Note to self: start riding the Metro.

Happy Wednesday and "Be be better soon"! (<--A little somethin' my then-a-toddler daugher, Puppet, used to say to me when I wasn't feeling my Cheerios.)

Get well-ly yours,
SparkleFarkle~~~~~*

willfulresemblance said...

the only thing I ever really wondered about zombies is this: do they realize that they are already dead? was their life so monotonous that now there really isn't any change as if the heart beating was a mere trifle in their heavily routined existence.

Cedar View Paint Horses said...

Ahhh, Nyquil, my friend.

Get better!

Kara said...

I was once the young girl in the 3 inch heels, climbing over snow banks. Now it's sturdy-soled snow boots, a scarf, gloves, and (new for this year) an old lady's-styled felt hat.

Feel better soon!

Eva Gallant said...

I hope you feel better before those zombies get you!

Bodacious Boomer said...

I always sneeze into my elbow. In fact in allergy season I resemble Dracula by doing so so often.

Good thing I don't wear a black cape.

Andrea said...

Hope you didn't leave Target with a new strain of cooties!

Gigi said...

Ahhh, zombies! Yeah, I'm pretty sure the apocalypse has begun....I've got more than a few in my building that I'm keeping my eye on.

Feel better soon. It seems to me that the Alka-Seltzer pills (I can't do the Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz) work pretty well for the daytime. Reserve the NyQuil for nighttime. It's not a good idea to ride the bus in a NyQuil-induced haze.

SOL's view said...

Oh yes. I travel on 2 buses each morning. Number 1, zombies. All grownups on our way to work. Number 2, too noisy to be zombies. Students on their way to Uni. Where I work.

Sometimes they give me a headache. Even when I wear my iPod...

Rene Foran said...

Even with a cold you could still run faster than a zombie...and would a zombie in heels kick off it's heels while in pursuit?

Lisa Golden said...

This dang plague!

You make some great points about the zombie thing especially in regard to the Minneapolis connection. The flesh would rot at a much slower pace in that climate.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

Carol said...

I've had a cold for months now, I had no idea that this proves I'm not a zombie. at least that's what I think you said!

jenny_o said...

Hope you're feeling less undead soon - it's no fun feeling like a zombie. At least you're one of the first to get this and you'll be hale and hearty when everyone else is suffering. I know, empathy turned on its ear somewhat ... but one does whatever is necessary to get through these things!

KAT said...

I've seen a few unexplainable beings on mass transit that I am sure are zombies! Take care and feel better soon.

The Elephant's Child said...

Get better soon.

Tempo said...

Most week days I'm exposed to 3 sometimes 4 germ carrying people.. but come the weekend and the need to shop the numbers are in the hundreds. Ahh! (runs screaming from the room) The Japanese are onto something with sick people required by moral code to wear a doctors mask. I always thought that would be cool until I caught Swine Flu (oink!) and had to wear one...not cool! Hot, sweaty and no fun at all when you're having trouble breathing anyway and have to try to breath through one of these..

ladyfi said...

I've woken up with a stinking cold - must be those darn zombies who gave it to me!

Murr Brewster said...

I say, the zombies can go ahead and eat my brains. That oughta settle their hash.

River said...

Don't get me started on those who don't cover up their coughs and sneezes.....at the checkout, all over the groceries, snotty nosed kids gnawing on a package to shut them up...a package that I then have to handle and scan....UGH!!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

It is my great good fortune to drive my arse one hour each way in a car, amongst fellow dummies, to work each day. So my commutes are zombie-free.
"Light-headed and vague"- perfect description of feeling sick. :)
Feel better, Pearl.

Dr. Cynicism said...

"the infestation will most likely start on the morning bus" Absolutely. And even worse, people on the bus are going to be the perfect food for wandering zombies -- to them, the public bus is like a traveling buffet bar. Scary.

Pat Tillett said...

If your not sure, then you aren't. The question is, will you be ready for the infestation when it happens?