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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

You Can Take the Cat with You, But You Probably Shouldn't

This week? I'll be working on my new book.

While I do, Monday through Thursday will be dedicated to Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) and Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers. Friday, of course, will be the continuation and second-to-the-last installment in our serialization regarding one-time neighbors, the Beverage-y Hillbillies.




Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is an absolute hoot, albeit a cruel one.

But what do you want from a cat?

“Don’t look,” she hisses, her paw covering her mouth as she sips delicately from the Mai Tai she insists she have with lunch. “But I think I saw that woman over there suspended by guy wires and sandwiched between Mighty Mouse and a high school marching band at the last Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.”

Of course this sort of thing always makes me spit my beer out with laughter, even if it is inappropriate.

But what do you want from the world’s most dangerous kitteh?

How else would I describe her, aside from “dangerous”? She is a small-pawed and symmetrically-striped kitty, a stealthy and bright-eyed kitty, a kitty capable of lifting your wallet while winding herself about your ankles.

A kitty with sharp eyes and a sharper tongue.

Sure we’ve had our issues. She has repeatedly cost me money (usually in the form of financial settlements in lieu of litigation) and she once dangled a gerbil on a string out the front window just to see how high the neighborhood cats could jump (for the record, the answer would be “quite high, really”).

We are sitting at Psycho Suzi’s, on the Tiki Deck. Summer has arrived, and with it Liza Bean’s penchant for umbrella-ed drinks. She sips, the straw held delicately between her little black lips. Tiny white teeth appear and disappear as she talks around the straw.

“I mean, really,” she says. “Are those pajama bottoms? One goes out in public, and one dresses for the occasion.” She laughs behind one well-manicured paw. “How much will you give me to go over there and tell her naptime’s over?”

How much will I give her? Nothing, of course, as I’m afraid she’ll do it for free.

The last fight she got in cost me the money I was saving for a flatscreen TV.

“Oh, never mind,” she purrs. “It’s too lovely a day.” Her eyes, half-lidded in the afternoon sun, glow an emerald green.

“We have cream at home, don’t we? I do so enjoy a little cream in the afternoon.” She sighs. “I just love these little outings. We really should do this more often.”

26 comments:

Leenie said...

OH, I hope the book project is going well. Best wishes and I'm waiting for it with tuna-baited breath.

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is SO right. Pajamas in public is just WRONG. Wish I could have been there for the gerbil hanging.

Pat said...

Does she drink milk I wonder? I couldn't believe it when I was told that milk was bad for cats.
But then Liza Bean Bitey is special

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Liza Bean was one of those "mean girls" in high school right??

Pearl said...

Leenie, there' snothing cuter than a cat jumping for a dangling gerbil. :-)

Pat, Liza Bean does enjoy a tiny dollop of half-and-half (full cream on holidays) here and there. She says it helps her digestion.

Delores, she may have been, but she's also very much a champion of the under- er - cat. She has her soft spots, but she doesn't show them to everyone...

Shelly said...

I just wrote a FB status about women who go shopping in their pajamas. Ms. Liza Bean and I might just get along very well...

Lisa said...

Ah. I love Liza Bean and her wicked ways.

Elizabeth Rose Stanton said...

Ahhh...pets
We saved up for the flat screen TV--then the dog threw a bone through it. Sigh.
As for Lisa Bean-- cheeky little thing, isn't she ;)

jenny_o said...

The cutest kittehs seem to be the most dangerous. They can do anything (and cost anything!) because we are under their spell.

missing moments said...

Oh, the cute kittehs can be so much trouble!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Good luck on your book project!

Pearl said...

Shelly, it's the scourge of our times. :-)

Lisa, Liza Bean is a clever little treat.

Elizabeth Rose, she is. I've never met such a cat.

missing moments, cats! It's a good thing they're so attractive sometimes...

Green Girl, thank you! Who knew this whole writing thing would be so much work?!

The Elephant's Child said...

Liza Bean is related to so many of the cats who have shared, enriched, infuriated my days. And the costing lots of money is a given. Worth it though.

Pearl said...

Elephant's Child, it is good to love something/someone as silly-serious as a cat. :-)

Jayne Martin said...

So looking forward to your next book. I loved the first one. I take it you'll be dedicating it to Liza Bean? I think she's the purrrr-fect cat.

Gigi said...

Liza Been and I do the dislike of pajama bottoms in public in common.

I was once complimented on how nice I looked by a woman (wait for it....) wearing pajama bottoms in a McDonald's. I was gracious and said "thank you" but walked away thinking really? Have you thought about how nice YOU might look if you put some damn clothes on!

Good luck on the book! I can't wait. I'm expecting it will make a nice Christmas present to myself!

SparkleFarkle said...

What a great blog entry--> thank you for giving life to my day!

SparkleFarkle~~~~~*

Bodaciousboomer said...

The Minneapolis Biteys- OMG! I love that.

KAT said...

I'm with Liza Bean...no pjs in public!

ThreeOldKeys said...

"free kittens"

...

just something funny i heard once.

Eva Gallant said...

I love Liza Bean Bitey!!!
And the pizza a Psycho Suzie's!

Jocelyn said...

I have a new favorite mental image, and it is a kitty talking around the straw from which she sips.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Let us all know when you next book come out and tell me how I can do the same. I have almost wanted my name in lights

River said...

I quite like Liza Bean's outlook on life.

Alan W. Davidson said...

Hey! I can comment now!

I nearly lost my coffee at the part about the dangling gerbil. An appropriate use of such a rodent.

Matthew MacNish said...

Only you could give such a wonderful voice to a cat. Hah!

Pat Tillett said...

I have to agree about the PJ's. When our kids were in school it was totally acceptable (by the school, not us) for girls to wear pajama bottoms to school. They also could war men's boxer shorts as regular shorts! It lasted a couple of years before they banned both practices!