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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

When a Cat Leaves You a Present, Decline

This week? I'll be working on my new book.

While I do, Monday through Thursday will be dedicated to Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) and Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers. Friday, of course, will be the continuation and second-to-the-last installment in our serialization regarding one-time neighbors, the Beverage-y Hillbillies.




As I expected it would, yesterday’s post about Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) caught not only her eye but the eye of our little self-grooming hot-water bottle of a cat, Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers).

Dolly Gee, aka, Here Kitty Kitty, aka Holy Crap Grab the Door Here Comes the Cat! came to us via the Humane Society. She is what appears to be a long-haired Siamese of some sort, a beautiful animal with stunningly crossed eyes.

“We think she’s about a year old,” said the woman at the Humane Society. “Of course, her eyes are a bit crossed, and she can’t seem to jump beyond, well, beyond standing on all four feet. And she does appear to have some sort of periodontal disease…” The woman paused. “She was dropped off in our night deposit box just two days ago, you know.”

As an aside, did you know you could do that? Drop an animal off via a night deposit box?

And four teeth? Well, what’s a little gingivitis amongst us beauties, eh? Perhaps she’ll grow some new ones. What do I know?

At any rate, she was just too beautiful, we thought, too friendly, too perfectly suited, size-wise. She’ll be a lovely companion to Ms. Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).

And that was our theory.

In reality the two detected deep flaws in each other immediately. Words were exchanged, claws exposed. Dolly lobbed the first insult, derisively labeling Liza Bean an “indoor feeeee-line”. Liza Bean retorted by describing Dolly in such detail and with such vehemence that all I can recall are the words “polyester-pantsuited alley roamer”.

Liza Bean responded to the new arrival by perching herself atop Willie’s head for the next six weeks.

Dolly Gee responded by eating enough to triple her size in half that time.

How she managed to do that with four teeth, I have no idea.

And now, of course, Dolly Gee has seen yesterday’s post, knows that Liza Bean and I went out for a couple of drinks.

Look. I’d have taken her, but if you think Liza Bean can’t hold her liquor, you should see Dolly. Dolly’s got the morals of, well, a cat; and after a couple beers she’s up on tables, dancing suggestively, eventually disappearing with some Tom only to re-appear in the morning, looking sheepish and then drinking all the Fresca in the house as she nurses her hangover.

It’s embarrassing.

Liza Bean is furious with me.

“Running out of material?” she purrs viciously. “Needing to write about lunch with friends now, are you?” She narrows her bright green eyes at me. “Do you know what I deal with, every day, while you’re out, doing God knows what…”

“I hardly think that going to work constitutes God knows –“

Liza Bean is not to be dissuaded. “It’s horrible. Horrible. She sits there in those Daisy Duke shorts, humming entire Disney soundtracks – do you know she uses your eyeliner? Well she does. I have other places to go, you know. I don’t have to stay here.”

She lights a Virginia Slims – in the house! – and exhales toward the window.

I promise her I will take care of it, that I’ll find a discreet way to talk to Dolly Gee Squeakers (of the Humane Society Squeakers) about the sanctity of a peaceful home life.

“Well see that you do,” Liza Bean demurrs.

There is a brief pause.

“Frankly,” she says – and is that contriteness I hear in her voice? – “I didn’t think this conversation would go as well as it has. Hmm.” She pauses, visibly runs several thoughts through her head before dismissing them all.

She shrugs, takes a drag off her cigarette, then grinds it into the ashtray. She blows a smoke ring toward the window. “You might want to check the inside of your shoes before you go running out the door tonight.”

I cock my head at her in anticipation.

She shrugs again. “I left a little something in one of them for you.”

“Not the new ones!”

She closes her eyes, dismissing me. “The same.”

And with that, Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) jumps down and trots over to the couch, where she curls up into a ball and falls asleep.

31 comments:

Shelly said...

Poor Dolly. Liza Bean is not as taken with her string trick as the rest of us are. I'd sleep with one eye open with Liza Bean around, if I were you.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I wouldn't have expected it of Dolly Gee. I have a whole new perspective now.

Leenie said...

I'm trying to imagine Dolly Gee (must be related to shaggy black fat Thomas, who can't/won't jump either) in Daisy Duke shorts....

Wow

Pearl said...

Shelly, Dolly Gee is a sweetheart, but she does have her flaws. :-)

Delores, Dolly is a far simpler puss than Liza Bean in some ways, but get a couple drinks in her and suddenly everything goes all soap opera...

Pearl said...

Leenie, it's actually quite attractive. I mean, she HAS the legs for it...

Camille said...

Liza Bean is still smoking Virginia Slims? I didn't know they were still available...but like you, I am somewhat out of the loop. So who's buying them for her these days? Mary?

jenny_o said...

Daisy Duke shorts - love it :)

willfulresemblance said...

I'm so excited that your coming out with a new book - this excitement has eaten up my attention now and there will be no poetry today because of you.

Pearl said...

Camille, Dolly smokes Kools. :-) Liza Bean smokes Virginia Slims, but rarely. With her, I think they're more of an affectation... And Mary's given up smoking -- I believe it's been a good six months now! -- but would not be above buying a pack or two for a friend. Really, I must look into this...

Jenny_o, really, she looks quite fetching in them.

willfulresemblance, this both saddens and excites me. :-)

Scarlet Blue said...

My cat used my black suede shoes as a toileting facility; I could never get the stain out of the carpet.
Sx

Pearl said...

Scarlet, some cats are sent here to teach us things. One must ask one's self: What did I just learn from the kitty?

Often, the answer lurks near the bottom of a wine glass...

Pearl

Simply Suthern said...

Somebody needs to start locking the bedroom door. You dont want her to leave a gift in your knicker drawer. How'd you explain that at work?

Pearl said...

Simply, would you believe I don't HAVE a bedroom door? Big heavy curtains... What can I say. It's an old house. But I hear what you're saying. :-) No one wants their knickers messed with.

Hmm. Let me rephrase...

Belle said...

Liza Bean scares me. I'm afraid I'm more like Dolly, getting all frisky when I drink.

Pearl said...

Belle, :-) It takes all kinds to have a party!

Dr Zibbs said...

Good luck with that book. I really need to write one next year.

Craver Vii said...

Your comment to Scarlet has me thinking that you may be over or under medicated. My cat does not teach anyone anything.

Pearl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pearl said...

Dr. Zibbs, I suggest you do. And really, it's a "chapbook", which is more like a rather fat menu or something. My ambition is to put out a paperback...

Craver Vii, the cat teaches. The owner learns. :-) (And no medication here, my friend. Not anymore.)

The Elephant's Child said...

You are very very right about presents given/deposited by cats. Years back we had a mouse in the house. The smaller portion was disparaging about the cats. The next day, as he got ready for work, he picked up his shoe and a mouse head rolled out of it. And I am sure that the cats were snickering.

Pat Tillett said...

....no fury like a cat scorned (and all that). I'd be very weary if I was you!

Macy said...

I'm feeling it for Liza Bean - mainly cause she's got the best lines.

"polyester-pantsuited alley roamer" has its own brand of genius...

KaLynn ("MiMi") said...

Be very very careful! There is nothing worse than a mad cat!! I think I would be scared.....=0)

missing moments said...

Oh my ... stay alert! Don't fall for the sleeping in a ball routine.

NYEMT said...

Careful with the shoes. Let's hope it's just a hairball.

Kelley said...

Haha!! Have you thought of taking these cats of yours to acting school? They have such great personalities! The Puss in Boots cat seems to be really doing well for himself.

ladyfi said...

I never knew cat fights could be so funny. Hilarious writing!

the walking man said...

Time4 for a Rottweiler or German Shepard adult babysitter from said humane society drop off. If nothing else they will crap on the floor not in your shoes

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Aw. That was so nice of kitty to leave you a present. They are sooo considerate.

River said...

I fear there never will be peace between those two.

I wish I could wear Daisy Duke shorts.

Pat said...

Y'know Pearl sometimes I think she goes too far.