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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

What? No, I Never Watched Four Straight Hours of "Cops". Pfffft.

By the time I had reached home, the TV had worked itself into a righteous, vigorous anger.

Apparently word had reached it – and I’m not blaming anyone specific here but I do strongly suspect my laptop, a sleek sexy bit of an appliance who can’t keep her damn lid closed – that I would no longer be spending time in front of the TV, butt planted, mouth open.

The TV was angry; and for reasons I still don’t understand, smelled slightly of stale cigarettes.

“Is it the screen? Huh? What? ‘Cause I’ve got a scratch? ‘Cause I don’t know from HDTV?”

“It’s not that…”

“What? I’m not big enough for you, Miss High-and-Mighty? Is that it? You think because you’ve a tub and a shower that you’re too big for the primetime line-up?”

“Hey, I never said…”

“Oh, save your breath, Miss I-Never-Heard-of-Him-Who-Is-This-Maury-Povich-Person! I know what you watch! You hear me? I know what you watch!

“Hey, now. There’s no need to –“

“Tell it to the Marines, okay? Where’s the thanks, huh? Should I tell all your brainy friends about your Tetris addiction?”

“Wha—what?”

“Ha! You think I don’t remember that? You think I don’t remember you and your Nintendo? Hours and hours of Mario Brothers? Of Tetris? How you’d play until you swore the city’s skyline had gaps in it you thought you could fill in if the right piece ever came down?”

My face burned with shame.

The TV laughed cruelly. “Thought I’d forgotten that, didn’t you?”

“Look, that was a long time ago.”

The TV laughed again, his power indicator fever-red. “I don’t need your crap,” he spat. “I had a life, you hear me? I had a life before you!”

I lost control of myself. “You didn’t! You had no life! I paid for you! I paid for you and I dusted you and I moved you every single time I moved! Do you hear me?”

I burst into tears. “You think this is easy? You think I don’t still care for you? It’s just gotten dirty! I feel cheap! I have a callus from using the remote! The middle cushion on the couch has a Pearl’s-butt-shaped dent in it! If I’m not careful – oh, God! I’m going to end up watching info-mercials!

The full horror of the situation hit me at that moment; and I fell to my knees in front of the TV, sobbing.

The TV made staticky, cooing noises.

“Movies, maybe? You could watch movies, right? And what about the second season of True Blood that you just never made time for? Maybe we could do that? Huh? The Dune movies? What about the Lord of the Ring Trilogy? You love that stuff."

White and black lines of contrition spread across the TV screen. "I just hate to lose you,” he said.

I sat up, wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.

“I don’t know." I hiccuped. "I don’t know if we can be friends. I guess we’ll just have to take it one day at a time.”

The TV began to hum the theme song from “One Day at a Time”.

I shook my head, repulsed.

He’ll never change.

33 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

We've exchanged one screen for another...poor old TV.....it's not his fault that there isn't anything worth watching anymore. The couch in our TV room looks like new but my desk chair is in sad shape.

Sioux said...

Aaah...Valerie Bertinelli--with her teenaged optimisim-- will make everything better...

R. Jacob said...

Ahem
who hasn't marveled at the fact that everything on TV is sold for the amazing price of $19.99 and wait, the second one is free(plus a shipping and handling fee of $19.99)?
I have never seen this of course, I heard of it from a friend of a friend, ahem.
Now walking away whistling the theme song from the Andy Griffith show...

Simply Suthern said...

The cats and Willie dont watch it?

I have no issue with multitasking with the TV and the Laptop. A mind has to stay busy/mushy.

Symdaddy said...

My Hi-Fi, Flossy, has just read this and told me to tell your TV to stop being so melodramatic and ... what's that? Oh yeah ... and to grow up!

She said your TV has no idea about how hard life can be or just what it's like growing old without a replacement stylus for your turntable, especially when you are surrounded by vinyl that is constantly begging to be spun.

(I would like to point out that this is the one and only time I will ever admit to have ever having held a conversation with an electrical device of any kind)

My Walkman, Thornton, refuses to demean himself by passing comment and is presently sitting in the reading room, with a copy of War And Peace, sipping gin.

ThreeOldKeys said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

(much more satisfying than LMAO ... ask your TV)

vanilla said...

Can you say "addicted"?

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I too can't help but to love him. I may stray to the computer to find content that he no longer conveniently supplies me with but he understands that I have needs. He won't DO 'Boardwalk Empire' or 'The Shield'.

I come back when something special in on (Sound of Music, Amazing Race, Dancing With The Stars) and we always have those shirtless hillbillies on COPS every Saturday night. It's our date night.

willfulresemblance said...

I threatened to shoot my television when it complained about my lack of watching it too much - now it has my son in its grasp and is happy again and I dream of shooting it with my shotgun but I fear the other TVs will gang up on me in my sleep.

Bouncin' Barb said...

Hahaha...brilliant! You crack me up Pearl.

Daisy said...

So it's not just my tv that has been taken over by infomercials and questionable offers that promise to make my life better. It feels better now that I know I'm not alone.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Did you know that even a big-screen HDTV still offers nothing but reruns and infomercials? Oh, and various thuggish "sports." If it weren't for reruns of "Big Bang Theory" I don't know what we'd do. Oh, I mean, thank goodness we now have lots of time for intellectual conversation and charity work.

Joshua said...

You had me at LOTR.

SherilinR said...

poor guy. feeling all lonesome and neglected.
i once had a neighbor give away a huge tv for free to anyone who wanted it. when asked why, he said that when the family went out of town for a couple weeks, the prankster who was house sitting put on a gay porn, paused it on a particularly raunchy scene and left it sitting on that screen for two weeks. when they came home, the image was burned into the tv and he didn't feel like he could let his kids watch it anymore. there's something distressing about watching peter pan with some man on man action overlaying the picture.

Leenie said...

Although the screen size, the color, the definition, the remote and the ability to show still more addictive video games changes; the hooking yet annoying, cloying and exasperating presence in the room never does.

You've nailed the reality.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Ah, the TV. My winter friend. I luvs ya, Dawn's TV! Don't listen to this one they call "Pearl."

mrwriteon said...

One Day at a Time. Li'l Valerie was lovely (still is) and I once saw Bonnie Franklin getting out of a limo at Honolulu Airport. Your TV will forgive. They always do.

Belle said...

Good for you, Pearl. You will find you have so much time for other things when you stop watching TV. Like spending 5 hours on the computer, like I do.

Suldog said...

That's funny - MY television is a female, and smells of bon-bons. Mostly the same problems, though.

Michelle said...

And btw, our blogs are just full of :
SABLE- HYMPAR- WHAEUM.
Just so you know , we know, that we all know.
Is that a COMEN for you, PEARL?
Happy New Year.

Steve Bailey said...

This is hilarious!! And genius. My favorite line "the tv made staticky cooing noises!" Love it!

Happy Frog and I said...

I mainly use my TV for watching DVDs of John Hughes films from the 80s. Poor thing will never forgive me. Your posts are always so entertaining, I have no idea how you do it but I'm so glad you do.

Wrinkling Daily said...

Funny. I enjoyed this very much and will never trust my laptop again.

Julianna said...

I thank God that my electronics can't speak.

I'm going to erase my google search bar now...

jenny_o said...

Maybe you need to break it off completely? Send the TV packing?

I like my TV AND my computer, and would never want to part with either one. But I'm afraid my books have been giving me the stink eye lately ...

Tempo said...

Get rid of him Pearl...I've told you before you dont have to put up with his crap..theres another..better one for you out there. All you have to do is get off your butt and go out and look...

Argent said...

TVs the world over are all the same. They promise you all kindsa stuff then delivery a bunch of crap. Mine has my husband firmly in its thrall and is sitting smugly in the corner of the living room even now knowing it won't be long now....

Ruby said...

Hilarious!!! Had a good laugh :))

River said...

I suspect Liza Bean has been watvching in your absence, hence the faint cigarette smell.
I keep my TV pacified by watching it at the same time that I'm on the laptop. Most programs are crappy though, so it's a steady diet of dvd's.

Pat said...

Cor Pearl - those cats AND Big Brother in your living room!
Funny I've grown out of 'True Blood' too. I'm worried about my attention span,

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

My Goodness! Your TV has such personality and presence. How could you turn your back on that????
Rosemary

Kara said...

Pearl, I love this piece! I've featured this post on my own blog by copying the opening paragraph and a "read more" link back here. I hope you don't mind.

Suniverse said...

I'm in that kind of relationship with my scrubs dvds. I realized I had a problem last night when I knew EVERY SINGLE LINE in an episode that wasn't even one of my favorites.

I'm still watching them tonight, though. Like a break up booty call.