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Sunday, December 11, 2011

That's a Lot of Junk in Your Trunk

Have you winterized your car yet?

Oh, sure. Everyone knows about winter-weight oil, about checking your tires and replacing your windshield wipers; but have you considered how well appointed your trunk is?

A pile of flannels, the snowmobile boots, the sensible hat with the ear flaps? Sure. Who doesn’t have those things?

And I’m sure we all grew up with the idea that a lighted candle in an old coffee can is sufficient to throw a little heat in your average four-door, so you’ve got that old Folgers can back there as well.

Jumper cables, rope, a battery-operated radio, these are all desirable items; and if they aren’t in your car, then I’m sure you’re in the process of pulling it all together.

You just look like the type to me.

But I’m concerned that you’ve not considered the finer points of enforced car squatting.

Have you considered the “Go for Help! I’ve Run Out of Cigarettes!” sign you’re going to need? Because if your car gets stuck in the ditch during a blizzard, you are definitely running out of cigarettes.

And lipstick. You’re going to need lipstick. Once that candle in the coffee can gutters out, you’re going to start to turn blue. Not many people can carry off that look.

Speaking of which, you might wish you had a harmonica with you. When People magazine gets a hold of your I-was-trapped-in-a-car-during-a–blizzard story, you’re going to regret not having worked out the specifics of that blues song you were humming.

Oh, and that reminds me. At some point you are going to wish that you had packed a pint or two of schnapps in your car. Schnapps is a wonderful and warming thing – no matter how false that sense of warmth is – but I would advise against this, as it leads to actually drinking it, which in turn may lead to over-the-top expressions of gratitude when the good-looking tow truck guy pulls you out of the ditch later.

And that’s awkward.

And winter isn’t about being awkward.

It’s about being prepared to be stranded somewhere.

29 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

You forget the porta pottie .. although ... those streaks of yellow in the snow may alert someone to your dilemma.

Jo said...

So, you're saying no over-the-top expressions of gratitude to the tow truck guy? Doggone it.

Here in Texas, we don't need all that stuff. Ever. The most we ever get here is a little ice. Takes all the fun out of it now, I never thought about having a bunch of stuff like that in the trunk, although I have junk in my trunk, but I digress.

I need to make a list of stranded in the summer stuff, though. Hmmm.

jenny_o said...

I love your list! All that's on mine is chocolate. Time to go shopping.

And I like Jo's idea, above, of having a summer trunk list ... because the only thing I dread more than our winters is our summers.

You can always add more layers but there's a limit to how much you can shed.

Pat said...

Going back quite a long way, I used to visit a friend in the evenings and - in the winter - was always worried in case my ancient car wouldn't start so I used to park the car and stick a lit paraffin lamp under the bonnet.
I wonder how safe it really was?

Camille said...

And pack some twinkies! Good grief, don't forget to toss in some trashy junk food along with the rest of the junk in the trunk. A stale pack of Kool's and a couple of nips can only go so far during a blizzard. And remember - Twinkies have a trunk life of like....forever.

Denise said...

A coffee maker with one of those adapters that run on the cigarette lighter thingie. Can't forget that.

Scarlet Blue said...

Seriously, I never go on a car journey without a full packet of 20 cigarettes... even in the summer.
No food, water or blanket... but plenty of fags... and obscurely.. a pair of wellies.
Sx

Steve Bailey said...

Your list is great...... but what about grabbing an ipod for music and then a small disco ball. You could hang it in your back seat and then shine a flashlight on it.... and...... turn that car breakdown into a car breakdown Party!!!!

Joanne said...

The two 50 pound John Deer weights actually kept me on the road a few iffy times.

bill lisleman said...

harmonica, Schnapps, - wow they should have consulted you on those recent trapped Chilean miners well-being.

It's been an unusual week with busy real life duties and my 12 days of Christmas blog challenge. I'll be trying to visit more of my favorite blogs starting today.

Belle said...

When we lived in Alberta (the land of -30) we used to pack the trunk with emergency stuff. Now that we live in BC we don't. But then we don't travel through deserted places either. Everywhere we go these days is full of people with cigarettes and cell phones, so we'll be safe.

jabblog said...

You must have been a Girl Scout - Be Prepared:-)

Eva Gallant said...

I find it simpler to stay home in a blizzard! Home is where the chocolate and Schnapps are!

Symdaddy said...

Duntcha jus' lurv the thought of campin' out in yer car when da snow comes?

The Elephant's Child said...

Oh. That sort of cold is so alien to me. Summer boot packing here. Things like a fire blanket. And given my druthers I don't go out - so it doesn't matter.

Glen said...

How about a George forman Grill with 12Volt DC power adapter and emergency pack of bacon?

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! I would prepare all of those things, but there's too much junk in my trunk already. And no, that's not the usual euphemism. However true it is. I will consider the schnapps, thanks for the tip. Indigo x

mrwriteon said...

Really, living on the west coast we don't need to do such things, but it is 'quaint' to read about local customs and to chuckle thoughtlessly about the plight of others. I did think the early suggestion about the porta-potty however was a good one. Especially with my bladder after coffee. Maybe I simply should pact one at all times.

Linda O'Connell said...

You just never know, do you? A wee bit of dark chocolate would make me happier than a nip of schnapps. I lived in Alaska way back when. You want to talk cold?

Leenie said...

A black or red lace bra to tie to the antenna (oops no antenna now, huh!) should bring any guy in a baseball cap with a snow shovel and jumper cables (IF you can figure out how to jump a car with the new-fangled batteries) from a ten mile radius.

Or--just stay home where it's warm.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I took that list very literally for all the years that I drove out in the hinterlands in winter. Coffee can, candle, matches or lighter, Hershey bar (obviously this was before dark chocolate appeared on the market), and a blanket. I no longer drive outside of town in winter but I still feel guilty that the blanket in my car isn't wool. Sheesh.

Gigi said...

There is such a thing as "winter-weight oil?" So much to learn on the internet. But after reading so much about how winter tries to kill you, I think I'll stay south of the Mason-Dixon line during the winter months, thank you.

Jayne Martin said...

I have a horse blanket in my trunk. Does that count? I am way to wimpy for your kind of winters. Drive in a blizzard? Oh yeah. Way to wimpy.

Julianna said...

You forgot the beef jerky.

Cuz nothing says "fun" like stinking out the car and making everyone think they're gonna die from the butt fumes.

Tempo said...

Oh heck, I dont have any of those things in my car. Over here we need water, sunscreen, big hats and little else

Cocktail Party said...

Well-written and funny post... Happy Winter :)

vanilla said...

Several previous comments suggest just staying home. Seems right to me.

Lisa said...

You know how I said I want to move back to the Midwest? Maybe just for summer.

Gia said...

Doesn't everyone have an emergency bottle of wine for their trunk? Right? .... No? Just me? ...cool.