I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

It's All About Preparation

I have several events/gatherings to attend in the next few days. But before I settle into serious party mode; I need to set some things straight.

Ahem.

Number One, should anything, shall we say, untoward happen to me between now and the New Year, please notify Pat O. The spotlight that throws a large Happy Face into the sky is up in the attic. Turn it on and leave it on. When she sees the sign, she’ll know I am dead and that it’s time to dispose of the contents of Drawers 1, 2, 5, and 6 of my bedroom dresser.

Additionally, if something dreadful does happen, the list of likely suspects is in my underwear drawer, under the bail money but not as deep as the limericks. Before you let the accusations fly, however, please cross-check against the list of those owing me money (in an envelope taped to the back of the Collie and Lost Lamb print in the living room )and try to get the money first.

To all the men I’ve loved, lost, sold, misplaced and tortured, one of you was my True Love. Guess which one. Ha ha. Just kidding. You know it was you all along, baby!

To my son, a boy what never reads his mother's blog, the insurance money is all yours. Do you remember what I said about spending it all on hookers and blow and how you should not? That's right -- Mommy will be haunting the bathroom and your car until you do right. Just so's you know.

Also, should the police inquire, the stats on my driver’s license are 100% accurate, right down to being 5’8” and 130 pounds. There may, however, have been some shrinkage throughout the years. And swelling.

Moreover, if, heaven forbid, there’s a repeat of the ’92 debacle in which I agreed that driving to South Dakota in a snow storm is an excellent idea and I fail to appear for work for more than 72 hours, please contact Officer Dreumont just outside of Sturgis. Tell him “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” and he’ll know what you’re talking about. Do what he says and I’m sure everything will be fine.

Well! I think that’s about it, don’t you?


Merry Christmas, everyone.

33 comments:

Daisy said...

Merriest of Christmases Pearl, and may no bad stuff happen.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I admire your thorough preparations.
Merry Christmas, Pearl!
xoRobyn

Cedar View Paint Horses said...

Merry Christmas to you, Pearl. May that spotlight never shine.

Silliyak said...

Odd that there's no mention of the felines....
How do we know that it was YOU that published this entry? Where (and what) is the code word?

Leenie said...

If you make it out from under that snowdrift in Sturgis just stay on highway 20, keep going west. Just past Yellowstone Park there's a wide place in the road. Stop there and call my cell. We'll party like it's 1984!

Denise said...

Merry Christmas, Pearl.

May no bad things happen to either one of us.

Leenie said...

Or 1999, or 1978 or whatever. We're all going to die in 2012 anyway. Merry Christmas!

terlee said...

Have a great holiday, whatever happens.

Vicus Scurra said...

love and peace, oh demented one.

Gigi said...

Merry Christmas, Pearl.

Silliyak said...

Oh, and stay away from "funny lookin' fellas"

vanilla said...

...and happy times to you, too.

R. Jacob said...

I am now curious about drawer 4 and 5.

Sturgis is home to a motorcycle gathering. Thinking about leather...
Oh my god, I know officer Billy Club Dreumont. My lips are sealed.

Batman reference has been noted.

Son doesn't read blog. of course, that you know of.

And finally, I am reading and writing under the influence of some vodka drinks my daughter has been making.

and a final note
5' 8" 130 lbs it is ok to embellish those stats give or take!
merry christmas

The Elephant's Child said...

Have a very happy and incident free Christmas.

Eva Gallant said...

Now I need to know what's in those draws that needs disposing!

Jeanne said...

Merry Christmas, Pearl!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Oh, my, GOSH, I'm gonna miss you!!!

Somehow, I just didn't think it would end this way!!!

I'm just trying to figure out how to hide that little "device" in the beside chest of drawers from my kids, should my husband and I go suddenly, all in one swell foop.

They're gonna be scarred.

I know.

I found my Mom's lacy underwear.

Only this will be worse.

Jennifer A. Jilks said...

I had a horrible driving incident one year, on my way to visit mom and dad.
You are so witty.
I love this.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.
It's been a quiet one here.
http://mymuskoka.blogspot.com/2011/12/memories-of-christmas-and-poem.html

Laoch of Chicago said...

Your post reminds me of a joke that was popular when I was a boy about sending your closest friends a telegram saying, "Flee now, all is revealed." and waiting to see who remains the next day.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Merry Christmas, Pearl. I do admire your preparedness.

Kay Dennison said...

Merry Christmas, Pearl!!!!!

That Stugris trip intrigues me!

Douglas said...

I used to worry about that stuff too but then I realized I would be dead and it wouldn't matter anymore anyway. Now those items are gone in hopes of avoiding the maid service I never expect to have uncovering.... uh... embarrassing items of a personal nature.

Merry Xmas! (yeah, I used "Xmas")

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

The safe word is 'tippy toe'. Have a great holiday my friend. I can't wait for another year of your wit and giggles.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

The safe word is 'tippy toe'. Have a great holiday my friend. I can't wait for another year of your wit and giggles.

Camille said...

Merry Christmas you crazy girl. You've made my mornings so much brighter during the past twelve months. You're the best.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I think you've covered everything except to mention that if your clarinet is also missing there is one tiny striped feline with exquisite claws that should be interrogated. Merry Christmas.

bill lisleman said...

Great sign-off - I sure hope it's just for a few fun days.

KAT said...

You can never meet an untimely demise. Who would keep us entertained? :D

River said...

Nothing wrong with being prepared...for me it's just a matter of making sure my daughter has my spare keys.
I hope you make it safely through the party days and return to us.

jenny_o said...

I wish for you only un-untoward things happening between now and New Year's.

Wait, that sounds like I'm wishing you a boring time. Not what I was going for.

And, the thought of Pearl limericks is intriguing. Share sometime?

The Jules said...

Merry Christmas Pearly!

There are very few sensitive items belonging to a lady that I won't root around in, but I am a gentlemen and as such I draw the line at limericks.

Good luck x

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Merry Christmas, my friend!
This post makes me want to check my drawers. Specifically, drawer 2, 4 and 1...
(Mom's on her way here! Quick, honey, hide the porn!)

danneromero said...

oh, boy, you got me thinking.. i better get my s*&t in order....