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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Deep Inside the Bowels of Acme Grommets and Napkins, or Maybe She Has Naked Pictures of Someone in HR

An unnecessary corner bit of the screen at the front of the conference room is listing the e-mails she’s receiving, and we are subjected to the ghosts of them as they fade into and out of view.

Ken wanders over, points. “If you click on this,” he whispers to her, the voice of the CEO still audible, “you can expand the screen and we won’t see your e-mails.”

Her bobbing head floats above the laptop’s keyboard. Nervously, her cursor floats above a different icon.

“This? Should I click this?”

“NO!” the room shouts together.

Incapable of stopping herself, however, she clicks; and for the second time in under 10 minutes, we lose audio contact with the CEO’s quarterly meeting.

“Aaaaaaaah.” The room moans as the video conference we’ve gathered for stutters, hangs up, and redials itself.

The conference, of course, continues without us; and 18 people bite their collective tongues as the twit with the laptop scrambles to bring it back.

I give her the fish eye. Sheri is one of those people who make you wonder how she manages to travel from home to work every day without suddenly discovering herself in a Quonset hut on an abandoned Air Force base. Outside of the ability to find anything an executive says either intensely interesting or blindingly funny, her actual skill set seems to be limited to repeatedly finding her way to her desk.

It takes several minutes to get back to the conference call, minutes I am sure contain both information regarding my long-awaited raise and my importance to the outfit (specifically) and mankind (in general).

Beep! Bee bee-bee beep-beep-beep boop beep boop boop!

“… and that is what we’re talking about, people. It’s that kind of strategic goal planning that’s going to see us through this next year. Sure the sacrifices that will be made – and now you know who you are – will be painful, but this is what we’re faced with.”

Eighteen people stare at each other, eyes wide.

I pass a note to the person next to me: Ask him to repeat that, would ya?

I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about.

34 comments:

jenny_o said...

Oh. My.

It makes you hope she's one of the ones who'll be making that sacrifice.

Joshua said...

My blood pressure shot up just reading that. My fingernails need chewing off until I know if you're safe.

R. Jacob said...

The running joke at work is anytime we get a program upgrade or new equipment that someone has to be let go to pay for it. I think it is her turn!

vanilla said...

Oh, dear. Fingers crossed; I do so hope there is nothing to worry about.

Read "I Was Raised to Be A Lert" when I received it in January. Picked it up last week and read it again. Just as funny the second time!

Scarlet Blue said...

Oh. Hopefully Sheri was earmarked for sacrifice.
Sx

Eva Gallant said...

It's always a gas when the village idiot is given responsibility for an important task.

Gary Baker said...

I think I worked with this girl in Brentford. Did she bring in her hubby's laptop by mistake - the one with the desktop photo of the BDSM symbol and a picture of her sporting a red ball-gag and wide eyes? (True story best left for another day.)

laughingmom said...

Maybe everyone needs to give her a different (wrong) time and location for the next meeting...assuming that she could find her way to that place.

Argent said...

Good grief, so Sheri works for YOUR company now? She used to work at ours. How people like her survive in the world of work without a hefty portfolio of blackmail photos is beyond me. Made me laugh though.

jabblog said...

Eating Christmas dinner is going to be difficult with crossed fingers - hope all will be well.

Shelly said...

Wowser- what a horrible time for the ineptitude to rear its head. Keep us posted- hoping good things are coming your way-

Simply Suthern said...

Then again, We've heard stories of your CEO's presentations and I'ma thinkin maybe Sheri did y'all a big ole favor.

Vicus Scurra said...

Please can I come and work with you?

purplestarr said...

We have a Sheri here too!! (and I don't mean me :p). Cracked me up for a good five minutes. Oh all the time myself and others speculate how our "Sheri" manages to get to work each day.

Glen said...

This situation is going to require something a little stronger than Bud.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Every work place has one. You wonder how they got hired in the first place.

Joanne said...

I knew a Sherry once, in 6th grade. She told Miss Horning I broke the fish tank. Untrustworthy name. Hopefully that will finally be recognized by those in charge.

The Elephant's Child said...

I suspect your twit practises 'suck skills for success' (not in a sexual way). It seems to be surefire. All you have to do is hang off the head imbeciles words and lo and behold you have moved up the corporate ladder.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! You'll be fine, I know, but my closet is on standby. I think you can get a bad in there. Well, vertically, anyway. You're welcome. Indigo x

Roshni said...

okay, were there any juicy emails though?!?!

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

First off, my name is not Sheri. Secondly, I am a terrific navigator. So what if I hit the wrong buttons? Hubby or Sonny will eventually bail me out of techno troubles.
Rosemary

Meg said...

It was nice to get your comment--I've lost touch with so many of my favorite blogs and bloggy writers.
Congrats on being published!

Susan in the Boonies said...

I am so cracking up!

There's nothing like missing out on the CRITICAL MOMENTS...

oy

Happens to me when I'm trying to hear someone in a crowded restaurant. Can't hear what they just said. Smile and nod approvingly, and then realize they just told me their cat died.

Craver Vii said...

Nothing to worry about. I received the same speech. I'll send you my notes.

Gigi said...

There's always at least one in every company. I think we have some sort of "quota" we have to meet because I can think of 4 right off the top of my head.

Jeanne said...

Is she beautiful? Please tell me this feeds into my bias that competence is trumped by beauty combined with brainlessness.

Julianna said...

I am famous for missing everything but the end of the meeting.

Tuesday I found out that they sat through a whole meeting about "careful placement of packages". Seems someone backed out of their garage and ran over the parcel that was delivered.

Yep. That was me. I left it too close to the garage. Opps. My bad.

ipenka said...

The "ghost of an email" bit, I know exactly what you're talking about.

In a group setting, the e-mail topic is always a risk.

HermanTurnip said...

*sigh* I've lived through more than my fair share of similar meetings. It's funny how reality imitates fiction...

Susan Kane said...

There are always the sacrificial lambs in every company.

Laoch of Chicago said...

It's a truism in life that there is always something to worry about.

Cloudia said...

no, nothing at all...




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Tempo said...

I used to work in a business where there were '0' computers, all mail had a stamp, notes were on bits of stray paper and the whole company ran...well..not very well at all actually..

barbfroman said...

Hopefully, the blankout was a timesaver and Miss Click fingers did an unconscious favor for all of you. Good luck.