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Friday, December 30, 2011

BOOM! WHOOSH! or I Wonder if That Garage is Heated…

You know, like so many people, I used to wonder – sometimes aloud! – about what may or may not happen next. As you can imagine, this made me quite a favorite amongst the feet-on-solid-ground types, leading, occasionally, to conversations regarding wood grain alcohol and whether or not it's meant to be consumed.

Well no more, my friends! For as I believe I’ve proven – time and time again – my iPod, set on “shuffle” and played during my morning commute, has prophetic qualities, not just for me, but for you as well!

No, really! I’m serious!

Shhh. Let’s listen.

Best Friends, Right? by Amy Winehouse
New Orleans is Sinking by The Tragically Hip
Believe by The Bravery
Demolition Man by The Police
Dramastically Different by The Beastie Boys
Barracuda by Heart
Effigy by Creedence Clearwater Revival

And there you have it. This weekend is so new, so fresh, that some of it has no reference point.

The rest of it is, of course, old hat. If I were you – and I believe that we’ve agreed that in some ways, I am – I’d stop at the liquor store. I’m thinking margaritas.

Oooh. And how do you feel about Pad Thai? I’ve got a hankerin’.

So! Weekend approaching and all, do we have time for a quick story? Just a little one?

Because Mary was more than a little concerned about Jon the other day.

Not that that is unusual. Mary’s a worrier, and if anybody can make you worry, it's Jon. Of course, Mary comes from a long line of worriers, and we’ve agreed, just between us, that there’s little she can do about it. Accordingly, when there’s worrying to do, we try to let Mary do it.

Makes her feel special.

So when Jon went out to the garage to turn its furnace on, and then she heard a BANG followed by a swift-moving WHOOSH, she didn’t know which way to run.

After the briefest of delays, she chose to run toward the garage.

“Jon! Jon!”

“I was frantic,” she tells me. “Am I going to find body parts? Car parts? Will it be bloody? Frankly, I didn’t think I was going to be equipped for it, if it was going to be bloody…”

She runs down the gently sloping backyard, calling his name, pulls up short just in front of the door. Not the one the car can pull into, but the door the humans walk in and out of.

“Jon! Dammit, Jon!”

“I’m ready to lose it,” she says to me. “I can’t decide if I should burst into tears or throw up or what.”

“Jon! Jon, answer me right this minute!”

“He’s not answering!” she says. “There’s no sound coming from inside the garage, but I can't bring myself to go in there! I’m yelling Jon! Jon! Answer me!”

She takes a breath. “And that,” she tells me, “is when he pops his head out the door. HULLO! he says!”

She shakes her head, smiling in that mystified way she has. Jon is her rock, her amusement, and her cross to bear.

“Pearl, there’s a great big patch of his beard missing, his eyes are blood-red, and his eyebrows look like they’re either melted or were originally part of one of those Mr. Potato Head games.” She smiles. “So I yell at him: Jon! Dammit, Jon, what the hell are you doing?”

She pauses.

“And?” I say.

“And nothing,” she says. “He just smiles at me, wants to know what’s for dinner.”

She shakes her head. “What’s for dinner,” she muses. “Why I oughta…”

28 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Well there you go...he's all right then. No need for further concern. Take your heart medication and breathe, breathe.....

jenny_o said...

Aargh! I do hope you'll tell us more details at some point ... although the fact that Jon is alive and asking about dinner is a relief ...

I need a designated worrier too. Does Mary rent out?

Amber Star said...

That Jon! He lives to make Mary fret. What a card!

Pat said...

Sounds like true love to me.

the walking man said...

Me thinks perhaps Jon should have lit the lighter before he turned on the gas for the pilot light but then what did they have for supper? Something broiled is my guess.

Symdaddy said...

Damnit!No one comes-a-runnin' when I blow up the heating system!

Linda O'Connell said...

In our neck of the woods Old Jon would be accused of operating ameth lab, and proven innocent later. poor Potato Head Jon. Poor Mary!

Lazarus said...

Whew, this kind of story sometimes ends much worse, glad to hear there were no major injuries ....

jabblog said...

At least Jon has someone worrying about him . . . sn'f, sn'f . . .

Bouncin' Barb said...

I love it when out of the blue I'm laughing out loud. That's when you know it's a funny story! Good songs too! Happy New Year my friend!

Nessa Roo said...

I had a similar reaction to a bang in the bathroom recently, and you can bet your boxers I waited at the door for someone to answer me! Poor Mary...

Pat said...

Well, I guess the furnace got lit alright, as did Jon. All's well that ends well, though there is the partly burnt-off beard and eyebrows. But they'll grow back.

Belle said...

Well, I would say Jon is one of the most laid-back people I've heard of! I'm happy for Mary he's alive.

Douglas said...

Funny, that used to happen to me every time I fired up the BBQ grill. Which is why I no longer have a BBQ grill.

vanilla said...

Worriers can only be appeased by more to worry about, as you have discovered with Mary.

Overheard Grams on the phone to her daughter: "You went up there and you're back? Oh, dear. I forgot to worry about that!"

Leenie said...

Laughed-out-loud. Thanks. Have a GREAT weekend.

Karen said...

I'm a worrier as well. But I just would've called 911 - unless this is a normal occurrence.

Eva Gallant said...

Tales of Mary and Jon are almost as entertaining as Tales of Liza Bean Bitey and Dolly G Squeakers. By the way, I hope it's okay, I think I've booked Squeak Toy to bring in the New Year on my blog on Sunday. At least I think it's them.

Daisy said...

Pearl, May you continue your "explosive" posts for many years, and for 2012, all that's good to you and your loved ones.

Gigi said...

Well no wonder Mary is a worrier. If I had a Jon in the house I'd worry more too!

Tempo said...

Let me translate for you Pearl...In man speak it means he did something really stupid and does not want to own up to it.. He'd rather pretend nothing is really melted, singed and burned that he's fit and well with no fear of the furnace...

Susan in the Boonies said...

She should.

She totally should.

bill lisleman said...

Nothing like a good boom to end the year. Great story.
Happy New Year.

River said...

Ending the year with a bang, wasn't he?
Pad Thai?
Yes, please!

Murr Brewster said...

"Her rock, her amusement, her cross to bear." Gawd do I relate to THAT. Thanks, Pearl.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Garage pyrotechnics huh! I hope for Christmas, Jon bought Mary a few extra years of living to make up for the few he just took off her life after that loud bang. :)

Happy New Year, Pearl!!!

The Savage said...

Nope... You aren't supposed to drink alcohol derived from wood.... There's that whole blindness issue...

MITM said...

Ok, I admit it - I've been checking your shit out for about 6 months. And, you've got certain skilzzzz. This post got me.

I always thought that Garisson Keillor was a pretentious establishment pendantic asshole who belongs literally on a prairie - preferably frozen like his tired shtick. You, on the other hand, have the makings of a new breed. Time for new blood.

Here's to your book, your voice, and your comic spirit going national in 2012 - just remember where ya came from and remember the props you have to give to all your homies. And keep em laughing kiddo.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!