I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Apres-Bar Will Be Held In the Alley

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) turns five next Tuesday; and as you can imagine, preparations are underway. The National Guard has been alerted, anything of value has been wrapped up and stored in the basement in boxes marked “Taxes: 1990-1999”, and the catnip grown in and around Hennepin County has been bagged and marked at inflated prices.

Inexplicably, the Office of Homeland Security insists that the threat level remains at “orange”.

Liza Bean is turning five.

You remember Liza Bean Bitey, don’t you?

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is a symmetrically striped, tiny-pawed catcher of mice and demander of cream, a cat with a sharp tongue and a penchant for umbrella-ed drinks.

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is a cat who once returned my car with a typewritten manuscript in the trunk purporting to be a collaboration between her and Hunter S. Thompson. When I pointed out to her that Hunter S. Thompson died the year she was born, she simply raised one eyebrow and said, “Did he, now?”

That Liza Bean Bitey.

Two years ago I took her out for sushi for her birthday, a debacle still fresh in my mind, particularly since I cannot walk past any of the local police without them making clawing motions at me while chuckling the words “Meow! Meow!”

Philistines.

Frankly, the guy Liza attacked had it coming – after all, any lout suggesting that Liza Bean “go back to where she came from” deserves the restaurant-clearing brawl that he gets; and while her bail money – the money I was saving for a flat-screen TV, dagnab it! – was considerable and we still cannot show our faces at the Origami, I carry the memories fondly.

Last year’s birthday celebration was a quiet affair: a houseful of her friends over for “paw” food (trays of puree of mouse on Ritz crackers, bird bits on toast points, gin and tonics). The party eventually moved to the roof and Squeak Toy played until the police were called, but no charges were filed; and as I had enjoyed the drinks as much as anyone else and had agreed to not write about it, the details have moved into the fuzzy-and-disputable category.

Which brings us to this year’s celebration.

A pub crawl – or, perhaps more accurately, a pub slink.

The plan? She and her friends - including members of her last musical endeavor, A Band of Biteys, now that she and the drummer have settled their legal dispute - will leave the house Saturday night at 8:00. With a dozen bars in easy slinking distance, they will go to one after another, waiting for that moment when the door opens whereupon they will shoot in, four and five at a time, winding 'round ankles, dodging the good citizens of Northeast Minneapolis and pushing their fuzzy bellies up against the bar.

Ad hoc neighborhood watches are being formed as we speak.

If last year’s celebration is any yardstick for this year’s, I will awaken early to dozens of cats strewn about, on couches, atop the fridge, in the tub. I'll make scrambled eggs and ham and buttered toast. Coffee will be made and aspirin offered; and despite my protestations, I will find ten-dollar bills attached to handwritten thank-you notes tucked throughout the house after they leave.

Cats.

They know how to party.

29 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Catnip martinis all around.

Shelly said...

Oh, happy 5th to Liza! Here's hoping Dolly will be invited.

And, should Liza ever be inclined to teach cat deportment lessons, we have a semi-wild one who needs desperate help. A teen mother, she delivered 5 several days ago. We found one in the bar-b-que pit (unlit) and the others on different shelves of a planter on the front porch. She is needy of Liza's tight grip on life.

haphazardlife said...

Happy birthday Liza B!

Pat said...

Hope all goes well. If ever Liza B wants a UK pen friend my son's four boy cats - of varying ages - would be interested. They love to hear about her doings.

Galen Pearl said...

Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog. I just spent some time browsing around on yours. What excellent fun!

liza said...

So good. Happy pub slink to Liza Bean!

Scarlet Blue said...

I want to come too!
Happy Birthday, Liza, have some smoked salmon on me!
Sx

jenny_o said...

I wouldn't have thought the guests would have the manners to write thank-you notes, let alone leaving tips :)

Joanne said...

Did I miss Dolly G's birthday? I hope not; she needs a celebration. I'm sure it will be demure and not require a clean up, but just so cozy and pleasant.

George said...

I'm not one to usually be found in the company of cats, but Liza seems to know her way around a good time. Are all cats like her?

Craver Vii said...

Risky rascals! I hope Liza and her feline friends decline the offer for aspirin. Just one tablet can be lethal to cats; it could shut down their liver & kidneys. Of course, depending on how bad the hangover is, they might not even care.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

"Philistines."
Classic.
:)

The Elephant's Child said...

Happy 5th to Liza Bean. I hope you both survive with your dignity intact. And I love that her friends tip you so well. Does Liza get a cut?

Belle said...

Sounds like a great birthday party comin' up for Liza Bean. Her friends are nice to cough up some money for the mess they leave. No one ever did that for me!

Gigi said...

Well shoot! For lovely thank you notes with cash attached, Miss Liza can have her next party here.

Brian said...

I think that sounds like one heck of a good time...in between naps!!!

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Taking a cat to a sushi bar...I love how your mind works, Pearl!
Rosemary

Jayne Martin said...

Happy Birthday, Liza Bean. Remember, you may be getting older, but you'll always be immature. ;)

Eva Gallant said...

A pub slink is an excellent way to celebrate a 5th birthday! I hope the police stay out of it this time.

The Jules said...

Happy 5th birthday to Liza Bean Bitey. A pub slink sounds like a damn find way to celebrate.

And don't worry about the Origami. I hear it folded.




I'm so sorry . . .

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! Good grief, now that her birthday obeys The Law Of Fives, there's no limit to her activities. Hail Eris! Indigo

Crystal Pistol said...

happy Birthday to the old girl. May she have many more...

I like to refer to ruffians as Uncircumcised Philistines. Your reference made me grin. :D

jabblog said...

Happy Birthday, Liza Bean. You could teach the cats round here a thing or two;-)

Pam said...

Happy 5th, Liza.
If your servin green-eggs n ham.. I'll be there in the blink of a cats-eye.
wink wink,
Pam i am

Suldog said...

I think I shall refer to all snacks, from now on, as "paw food".

vanilla said...

Happy pub slink to Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).
Let hilarity and good will reign!

Shrinky said...

I swear she doesn't look a day over 4, all this debauchery obviously suits her. I think I know why she chose to own you, anyone who passes up on their flat screen TV to stand bail, has got to be worth keeping.

(Plus you're both plum-crazy.)

Happy Birthday Ms L!

Daisy said...

Happy 5th Ms Lisa Bean Bitey. May your hangovers be short and your fun be long.

fishducky said...

It sure sounds better than the cake & punch I had for my 5th birthday!