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Monday, December 26, 2011

And Yet She Looks Perfectly Normal

“Acme Grommets and Sprockets, Pearl speaking.”

“Um, yes, I’d like to order a half-dozen grommets, and I'd like to set up a payment plan? Also I am wondering if I can get them delivered individually, preferably by a man in a loin cloth? If he could bring butterscotch pudding with him – the real stuff, too, not the instant – that would be great.”

“Mary, who gave you this number?”

“You did.”

I mutter a small, rather defenseless curse word.

“Well, now that we’re here, what up, girlfriend?”

She laughs. Neither of us has an ounce of ability in the urban slang department. We’ve jointly decided that listening to either of us say things like “you go, girl” or receiving any written communication from us using “U”, “R”, “B” or deliberate misspellings is the equivalent of my father once asking me if I “was taking the pot”, a genuine and drug-related question from him in the early 80s.

“Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?”

Oh, we’re funny, Mary and I.

“I’m walking T-Bone.”

T-Bone, a largish dog who would like to sit in your lap, is briefly overheard barking at what sound to be a crowd of much smaller dogs.

“Trouble?” I ask.

There is the sound of Mary grunting. “Yes. Dagnabit, T-Bone!” There is more grunting. Mary is either pulling T-Bone away from a pack of wild Chihuahuas or pushing something large and unyielding down the street.

“OK,” she says. “That’s better.”

“Where are you going?”

There is the briefest of pauses. Mary is getting ready to lie.

“No where.”

And then we both laugh. Mary is the worst liar you’ve ever met.

“No, really,” I say.

“Goan tagit ah bekkin doanit.” Mary is deliberately mumbling.

“I’m sorry, what’s that?”

She sighs heavily. “A bacon donut! I’m going to get a bacon donut!! Are you happy now?”

She is smiling. I can hear her smiling. I am smiling, too. “What kind of morning do you have to be having before you walk the couple miles it will take you to get to the shop that sells bacon donuts?”

“Pretty crappy,” she admits. There is the briefest of pauses, and when she resumes speaking, her voice is serious. “Oh, Holy Hannah,” she says, disgusted. Her tone of voice suggests that what has just happened is another crappy thing in a long line of crappy things.

“What’s the matter?”

“I think I’ve lost my phone. It’s always in my right pocket because the left one has a hole in it and it’s not there…” She trails off.

“The phone?” I ask. “Like, the phone you’re talking on right now?”

There is complete silence.

“Pearl, is it possible that I’m mentally retarded?”

“Entirely,” I say. “Oops. I gotta run. Give me a call when you find your phone.”

“Shaddap,” she says, pleasantly.

“Have a good day, Mary.”

“You, too, Pearl.”

31 comments:

willfulresemblance said...

perfect story to put a smile on my face this morning. Thank you!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Tell her not to worry, I'm forever looking for the glasses that are right on my face. I'm not retarded, just mentally inept.

fishducky said...

Okay--who stole my computer???

Silliyak said...

But did she find the Phone?

Nance said...

Elder jokes make me paranoid. Is this an elder joke? U messin' with our head?

Eva Gallant said...

I love it! That's so like something I would do!

R. Jacob said...

The filing cabinets of the mind are full, that's all.

Bacon donut? Why didn't I think of that. Probably did mix them at one time or another.

A sure fire perfume would have the aroma of bacon flavor yes? With a touch of bq sauce! sigh...

The Jules said...

I'm always looking for my phone whilst I'm talking on it. It's a sign of great mental prowess, is that. And handsomeness.

Your friend Mary should be fine as long as she doesn't try to answer the bacon doughnut.

That just burns your ear.

Apparently.

Macy said...

A Bacon Doughnut??

Someting's got horribly lost in translation.....!
Merry Christmas Pearl

jenny_o said...

This is the kind of conversation I love to have too. Especially on a crappy day. It's so nice to have a friend who shares the same sense of humour. Lucky Mary & lucky you, Pearl!

SherilinR said...

ohmigosh, i've totally done that "where's my phone" thing while talking on it. what is the matter with our brains? i think, since it's mary and also myself, maybe it's a thing caused by inhaling too many cleaning product fumes. we should stop cleaning houses.

danneromero said...

u so funny!

have a great new year, pearl!

Sioux said...

Mary needs to go see the Grizzlies, a semi-pro baseball team in Illinois. They have a concession item that is a bacon cheeseburger, and the "bun" is two Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts. I've never had them, and I don't even eat red meat, but they sound like they would cure whatever is ailing you...

Steve Bailey said...

Bacon donuts are delicious!!! here in Portland we have Voodoo Donut which is famous for its Maple Bacon Bar!!!

The Elephant's Child said...

CRAFT syndrome as in Can't Remember an eFfing Thing. And I am a big, big sufferer. I have to add that bacon donuts sound like the stuff of torture to me - 'tell us where the key to your safe is or ..... we will feed you bacon donuts.'

Ms Sparrow said...

I'm assuming the bacon donut is for the dog, right?

Happy Frog and I said...

Finally have time to catch up on my favourite blogs and this was a perfect start. Happy Christmas and New Year to you Pearl. x

Gigi said...

Phew! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one forever "losing" things that I am using!

Belle said...

She's a fun friend. I'm glad she found her phone.

Leenie said...

Friends like Mary are just PRICELESS.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I have a feeling that your Mary would live up to all the hype. Most people don't. That is one of my favorite of your adventures with her.

Denise said...

I wanna bacon donut!!

Last month, I went out the door to work. Thought I forgot to put on my glasses. Walked back home, looked at my reflection in the window and realized I was wearing my glasses.

They are bifocals. How did I miss the line?

Bodacious Boomer said...

I can testify that bacon doughnuts with maple glaze are fabulous. And now I want another one. Thanks for that Pearl.

lime said...

if i didn't have the stretch marks to prove i birthed him i might think she is my son's mother...

Symdaddy said...

Being as close, without actually stepping over, as it possible to be to that mythical line between sanity and madness endows me with language skills hitherto unheard of in polite society.

I actually understood this “Goan tagit ah bekkin doanit” at the first reading!

Murr Brewster said...

Please send Mary over right away. Mary will make me feel good about myself, without making me feel bad about Mary.

Tempo said...

Dont you love it when you know someone so well you can hear them smile on the phone...I miss that.

River said...

This made me laugh so much! Thanks for that.
Bacon donuts aren't something I'd be willing to try though.

vanilla said...

1/10 billable hour to Acme Grommet. Your conversations with Mary are priceless.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

A bacon doughnut. I think eating one would make my year complete.

Mark In Mayenne said...

I'll post you a comment as soon as I can find my PC