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Thursday, December 15, 2011

Actually, The Postman Doesn’t Ring At All

The recent arrival of a large number of packages, all in plain brown wrappers, has the mark of Liza Bean Bitey’s fine paw all over it.

“What is Zurich Exports?”

Liza Bean Bitey, suspected international thief, supposed possessor of a collaborative manuscript between her and the late Hunter S. Thompson and small-pawed feline looks up sharply from the watch she is working on.

“Why do you ask?”

“Because it’s on this,” I say, a medium-sized box in my hand.

“I’ll take that,” she purrs, padding smoothly by. The box leaves my hand with a swift efficiency of movement that whisks her past me and out of the room.

I call after her. “What’s in the box?”

“Hmm? I’m sorry,” she says, re-entering the room, “I didn’t hear you.”

I narrow my eyes at her. “What have you been up to?”

She smiles, an un-nerving and utterly charming thing in a cat. “I can’t always take the car,” she demurs, a reference to how often she borrows the Honda, “and I do have certain holiday obligations, you know.”

I am stunned. Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys), while inaccurately described as “stingy” would nevertheless fall within the “thrifty” category. A failed investment in a Philippine oil rig a number of years ago put a sudden end to the high life she’d been accustomed to, and outside of insisting on the best gin available and a new dress collar every year, it’s a sad fact that she only half-reaches for the tab at the end of a night.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she says, almost gruffly. I hadn’t realized I’d been staring at her. She waves me away, returning her attention to the dismantled watch in front of her. “Anyway,” she says thoughtfully, lifting a tiny cog, “you’re not the only one on this year’s gift list.”

Again I am surprised. Who could she be buying for? I say nothing but raise an eyebrow.

The cat purrs. “I heard that,” she says.

33 comments:

Joshua said...

As long as my cat doesn't get me a dead mouse or a dead bird, or even a live one of either, it's good. From Zurich though? I didn't know Swiss banks could ship. Would you excuse me a moment? I have a call to make.

Symdaddy said...

It's gotta be for me. After all,didn't I send her that box of Gordon's Gin ... erm, you did know about the gin, didn't you?

Shelly said...

Hmmm- I wonder if my name is on her gift list...

vanilla said...

Ah, yes, but we all have secret lives this time of year!

Eva Gallant said...

Your Liza Bean Bitey posts are always a delight.

Pearl said...

You know, it's not so much that she is using my computer, but I'm not aware of her having a credit card...

Susan in the Boonies said...

Oh, my gosh, the cat's been online shopping?

And ordering stuff internationally?

Watch out for the order of Beluga Caviar.

Because you KNOW it's coming.

And it WILL need refrigeration.

Glen said...

Capitol 1 do a really good rates for cats on their VISA apparently...

jenny_o said...

Liza Bean is a watchmaker? Why does that not surprise me? After all, she does have the right hardware on her paws for picking up tiny bits and pieces.

So enjoyable!

Leenie said...

Maybe she isn't so broke. If that Hunter S. Thompson collaboration came through she could have some big bucks in the bank. I'm watching the best seller list for,"Fear and Loathing in Minneapolis."

laughingmom said...

Frugal Liza Bean - no way - she obviously paid for it from her Swiss bank account!!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Perhaps the watch repair is a "work from home" venture which is supplying her with holiday funds? Maybe the Swiss are putting out "do it yourself" watch kits for gifts? Liza Beans mind works in strange and devious ways.

Douglas said...

Ah! She received it. Good... good.

Joanne said...

You're not snooping under her bed?

jabblog said...

Liza Bean is so talented and crafty with it - but then she is a cat.

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Isn't watch repair a popular cover to hide international hit men and jewel thieves? I'll bet Liza is leading a double life and can so totally afford shopping for a long list of worthies.
Rosemary

Wow, that was awkward said...

I wonder if she refers to you as her pet.

ThreeOldKeys said...

Liza has wonderful taste. I always enjoy receiving her generous gifts.

This year, though, I'm wondering about the ingredients in that "sausage" sampler she ordered from Hickory Dickory Farms.

Amish Stories said...

I'm just stopping by different type of blogs and thought id say hello folks. So greetings from an Amish community in Pennsylvania, and wishing everyone a merry Christmas and a healthy and happy new year. Richard from Amish Stories

The Elephant's Child said...

I love that cat. Though you are right, a smile from a cat is a truly unnerving thing.

Jo said...

At least you know that she's getting you something...although I, too, would be worried about how's she paying for things.

Gigi said...

You seriously don't think she's doing online shopping with her OWN credit card - do you?

I'd check your credit card statements closely.

Vapid Vixen said...

The ole half reach attempt. Cats are notorious for pulling that one.

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

Your stories about Liza Bean Bitey are among your very best! Thanks for adding to our holiday cheer! Wonder what will arrive next?

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys): Far Superior to the Rest of Us Dummies.

HermanTurnip said...

Hey, at least your postman delivers packages to your door. For the past several days we've been expecting packages that were late in arrival and that we thought might have been stolen. Turns out the UPS guy has been chucking them over the fence and into our backyard. Yay.

24 Corners said...

It seems Eliza Bean Bitey's been back on the computer again...I think you should open the box!
xo J~

darlin said...

Has your cat taken lessons from Garfield by chance? I'm sure Garfield knows how to input credit card numbers on the computer. You'd best be checking your statement! lol

Crystal Pistol said...

Well I'm glad to know she insists on a new dress collar every year. She simply can't be a shabby cat. It's against her very nature.

Kara said...

My...you've got to be on your toes with that Liza Bean Bitey! You will tell us what's in the box, right?

Betty Manousos@ Cut and Dry said...

your posts are a;ways a delight to read.

you're such a brilliant writer!

happy weekend!

Pat said...

It's for the other pussy of course!

Antares Cryptos said...

Pssst, Pearl

*whispers* They can hear our eyebrows?