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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

One Thing I Know for Sure: The Kitties Must be Treated Equally

I found her perched at the top of the Christmas tree.
“I thought we discussed this last year,” I say.
Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, grins.  “One can see so much more from atop something, don’t you agree?”
I pull off my gloves, my hat, my coat, my scarf, and my boots, but I leave my leg warmers on.  No need to be hasty.
“I’m sorry,” I say, “but I was ignoring you.  What did you say?”
“First,” she says, “shall we get the afternoon treat out of the way?”  She leaps out of the tree, springboarding from my shoulder down to the couch and then down to the hardwood floor, where the sound of her soft, tiny paws fade into the distance as she trots to the kitchen.
Liza Bean Bitey gets a third of a can of cat food every day upon my return from work, and there’s no use arguing about it.  She’s become quite fixated on this; and previous attempts to postpone it until, say, after one gets the mail have been met with raucous, yowling disapproval.
The kitty will not be denied.
A third of a can of Mariner’s Choice later, and there’s a knock on the door.
It’s not unusual for me to ignore a knock at the door.  My modus operandi, then, is to walk into the second-floor porch and wait for the person to come out through the first-floor porch.  If I know them, I will call out and run down to open the door.
If I don’t know them, they are free to move along and take their literature regarding corrective shirts for the chronically stooped with them. 
“Who could that be…” I mutter, wandering toward the porch door.
Behind me, there is the small and unmistakeable sound of a cat clearing her throat. 
I turn around, pupils expanding, the icy hand of inevitability crawling up my spine.
“That bit about an extra treat for Dolly last night,” she began.
I shake my head, and it just keeps shaking. “No,” I whisper.
“Now that wasn’t very nice, was it?”
“No,” I whisper, head continuing its dance of denial. 
“We all suffer when you practice, don’t we?  Not just Dolly?”
My mouth drops open.
There is another knock at the door.
I look toward the door, look back to Liza Bean.  “Who is it?”
She yawns elaborately, a show of tiny, razor-like teeth.  Raising her right paw, she flexes and unflexes her claws a number of times, gazes into its wee palm, revels in how small and deadly she is.
“It’s Ted.”
The blood runs out of my head, pools at my feet, and threatens to stay there.  Ted is a neighbor, a man with notoriously bad breath and permanent spittle at the corners of his mouth. 
“Why?”
“Ohhh,” she drawls.  “He stopped last night while you were practicing.  You didn’t answer the door, of course, so I called down to him from the porch.  He wanted to know if we had a snow-removal service, but now he’s under the impression that you’re interested in video games. Don't know where he would've gotten that idea...  Anyway, Call of Duty, was that it?  I told him to come back today.”
I walk slowly toward the steps to the front door.  At the landing, I can see Ted on the porch.  One arm is holding his laptop, the other is holding a pizza box.
Ted really likes explaining stuff.
I look back up the steps, where Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, sits. 
She is smiling.  “You really can see a lot from where I’m sitting,” she says. 

38 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I did warn you.

Pearl said...

Delores, you did. :-)

haphazardlife said...

She is evil that kitteh. I love me an evil kitteh.

Shelly said...

Oh my- even worse than the earring incident. I can't think of any worse punishement that having to listen to an odd person explaining video games. Perhaps 2/3 of a can would assuage Ms. Liza Bean~

jenny_o said...

Oh, excellent post! Loved the line about Liza Bean's wee palm :)

I swear it's a good thing cats don't ACTUALLY rule the world. They come close enough as it is.

On the other hand, the ACTUAL rulers aren't doing too well either ... and with cats at least we'd all be napping in a spot of sunshine and have clean faces and paws. Er, hands.

Hmmm. Will have to think about this some more.

Simply Suthern said...

You ever thought of owning a dog? DOgs wont do that stuff to ya. Plus they will keep folks off your front stoop.

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, the kitty as an evil streak!

Pearl said...

Haphazard, she's evil and she's delightful. Among my favorite combinations. :-)

Shelly, this is what I'm thinking!

jenny_o, I, for one, would welcome our kitteh overlords. :-)

Simply, actually, I have. Used to have a lovely German Shepherd. Such a smart girl! Living on the second floor, I'm thinking maybe a Sheltie? Would love a full-sized Poodle as well, as they are incredibly bright/trainable and have such a soft gait... Ooooh. Christmas is coming, isn't it!

Eva, she's a naughty, naughty girl. :-)

Leenie said...

Cats rule the world. We are their fools.

Scarlet Blue said...

Oh, you didn't let Ted in did you??? I can't handle that spittle in the corner of the mouth situation - I hope you proffered a tissue if you allowed him over your threshold.
Sx

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! I thought my new neighbour was coming out to talk to me when I got home last night, but when she opened the door and saw me, she shut and locked it immediately. Yay. I'm a charmer. Indigo

R. Jacob said...

I think every neighborhood has a Ted lurking about. Water balloons dropped from the second floor may work!

Camille said...

Morning Pearl. Buzzy McDuff would like to weigh in on the dog situation. He sezs German Shepards can be scary, a Sheltie will try to herd the cats, and Poodles are just plain trashy. His words...not mine. He suggests a nice Cairn terrier such as himself. Personally, I think a couple more fish would be easier.

Pat said...

Such tiny paws for such a giant manipulator.
She's the end!

Jocelyn said...

Ha! She showed you. Pizza + Call of Duty with Bad Breath? The best revenge. I shall tuck that note away in my Binder of Evil.

Douglas said...

And people wonder why I no longer have cats...

Symdaddy said...

Let me know if Call Of Duty is any good and give that pussy a ding for being manipul... mannippu... such a user!

StephanieC said...

Conniving little...


furball of evil wisdom!

Mandy_Fish said...

I'm surprised the tree isn't decorated with dead birdies.

danneromero said...

Cats are so intelligent... So sneaky, for sure!

Thanks for stopping by my blog recently, and for your comment.

NYEMT said...

Methinks some DRY food for the afternoon snack...or perhaps a short suspension of snack privileges altogether. In situations like this there's only one answer. Escalate the hostilities. Simply may have something there, too. Nothing would make Liza's life happier than a BIG, clumsy, slobbery, goofy dog, who LOVES kittehs. He could hug 'em, an' squeeze 'em, an' give 'em kisses, an' - well, you get the idea. Plant that notion in her head and she may execute a strategic retreat. ;)

vanilla said...

There needs to be some strangcatulation going on around there. Just saying. [and just kidding]

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Once upon a time, a very long time ago, cats were worshipped as gods. They have never forgotten!
Rosemary

Pearl said...

Leenie, sure. NOW you tell me.

Scarlet, for all I know, he’s STILL standing out there…

Indigo, you weren’t going to tell her about the fascinating world of Call of Duty, were you?

R., I like how you think.

Camille, I think Buzzy’s playing with us. I suspect that a terrier would very much like to grab a kitteh by the back of the neck and worry it silly. :-) And that would be wrong, even if said kitteh tried to pull off my earrings in the middle of the night.

Pat, she’s a clever one, my Liza Bean!

Jocelyn, oh, how I love that you have a Binder of Evil.

Douglas, oh, you still have cats. They’re just not in any room you enter. For example, when you’re watching TV, they’re going through your fridge, rating your snack-ables…

Symdaddy, Nice. :-) I actually wouldn’t play those games. My idea of a video game still consists of running around eating mushrooms and jumping through coins. Or is that my idea of a Saturday night? Either way.

StephanieC, ahh. So you know of whence I speak!

Mandy, oddly enough, there are two cardinals in the tree. Li’l Miz Bitey just hasn’t figured that out yet!

Danneromero, sneaky and adorable. Little buggers.

NYEMT, now THERE’s a thought! What a post that would make, huh?!

Vanilla, oh, we never wish harm upon the kitties (outside of the hours of midnight and 6:00 a.m., anyway…)

Pearl said...

Rosemary, shhhh! Don't tell Liza Bean!! She's been lobbying for "the good shrimp" for YEARS. If she finds out she was once worshipped there'll be no end to the demands!

The Elephant's Child said...

Dogs have masters, cats have servants. Not entirely true, servants get time off and are paid. I live with two evil cats myself. It is a lot of things, but is never dull.

Belle said...

Revenge can be ugly.

the walking man said...

You know cat fur makes a really good lining for a set of cow skin gloves.

Pearl said...

Elephant's Child, there is much wisdom in what you say. :-)

Belle, it's been an ugly little week...

the walking man, and then, the kitty would always be close to me...

Gigi said...

That darn cat! I KNEW she would find a way to get back at you; but I wasn't expecting it so quickly. She is a wily one!

Joanne said...

And I thought locking up the clarinet case was adequate. I just wasn't thinking.

Debbie said...

pearl....dogs have owners, cats have staff!! i don't really love cats!!

Jayne Martin said...

Oh, my... She is deliciously wicked. I like that in a person, um... cat. ;)

Susan in the Boonies said...

Oh, I am so Team Dolly.

Lazarus said...

I always love "of the Minneapolis Biteys" line but I feel like I'm missing out on a great inside joke... Another great post, from Pearl of the Minneapolis Pearls of Wisdom!

Suldog said...

Evil kitties are the best!

And funniest. Well done.

Rosie said...

Hide in the cupboard, that's what I do. They stop knocking eventually.

Bodaciousboomer said...

Cats clear their throats? As a dog person, I never knew that.