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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Mmm. Oatmeal Raisin Worm.

I don’t want to raise any red flags or anything - and this is certainly no indication of how little attention I pay the real world - but apparently we’re selling uncooked cookie dough now.
You can tell where this is going, right?  That it’s recently made an appearance in my freezer?
Henceforth and forthwith, anytime I have a craving for uncooked dough, stuffing a handful or two into my face will be as easy as stepping up a pants’ size. 
It’s a great time to be alive.  And lacking in self-control. 
I’ve always been a fan of the uncooked/undercooked.  I can actually be the one cracking the eggs into the batter and still find myself licking the beaters. 
“You get worms that way,” my mother says.
“From raw eggs?”
“No, that’s Sam and Ella,” she says, stealing a line from my father.  “You get worms from the flour.”
“I don’t believe you,” I say.  And this is hard to say, and not just because I’m saying it to my mother, the woman what bore me, but because I’m licking a spoon while saying it. 
But the cookies, the uncooked cookies in my freezer.  Oatmeal Raisin: cookie-sized lumps of love lie dormant, pre-oven, pre-thigh, in my freezer, nestled amongst the frozen grouse bodies and the bag of ice from my last get-together, an invitation to have one – okay, two – just because I can.
Gaining weight should be more difficult, don’t you think?

Don't forget to come back tomorrow, wherein Pearl hires day laborers to exercise her limbs while she eats various foodstuffs directly from the fridge. 

46 comments:

Shelly said...

It's a lot quicker just to tape those cookies onto my thighs and butt, you know, to save time and all.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I'm already shopping at the big is beautiful store..bring on the calories.

Joshua said...

You had me until you said oatmeal raisin. Change it to chocolate chip and we're on the same page. And pant size.

jenny_o said...

Uncooked dough of any kind is a different kind of awesome from the cooked version. But I won't do the raw egg thing. My aversion to getting sick is greater than my need to eat uncooked dough, and that's saying something.

Are those grouse for you or the furry people? :)

Pearl said...

Shelly, I'm all for expediency!

Delores, I like your thinking, and seem to be putting on a handful of pounds every year, never to come off...

Joshua, I thought that might be a killer, but what can I say? It's in the dang freezer!

Pearl said...

jenny_o, the boy keeled them in a shoot-out this fall, I think it was. The grouse were woefully unprepared. Still don't know what to do with them though. Any ideas out there on fabulous grouse recipes?!

Simply Suthern said...

Oatmeal raisin is my fave cookie unless it is iced oatmeal raisin. Add mealie worms and you get your fruit, fiber and proteins.
It's pracically a whole food triangle.

You really dont wanna really know what you are really eating day to day. REALLY!!!

haphazardlife said...

And if you can resist eating them, imagine them hot from the oven, the whole house smelling of fresh cookies. Mmmmm.

R. Jacob said...

I am the cookie monster!

Almost Precious said...

Um, yes there's a lot of things in our foods that we're better off not knowing about.

Denise said...

You know they put warnings on the label against that, dont you.

Its ok, I ignore warnings, too.

jenny_o said...

"The grouse were woefully unprepared."

To face the hunter or the pot?

LOL

20prospect said...

You can hire day laborers to exercise for you? I think we just solved our unemployment problem!

Eva Gallant said...

I've never been a fan of raw cookie dough, but I certainly agree that it should be more difficult to gain weight!

Linda Sue said...

Oh man! I could LIVE in cookie dough world! The thing about raisins is that they actually do become wormy- I know this for a fact as i scarfed down three tiny boxes of them at Halloween only to discover that they were alive and could crawl on their own across the kitchen counter! Yup- little white wormies! YUM!

Douglas said...

Can I visit your freezer?

Oatmeal raisin cookies are the food of the Gods.

Pearl, you do know that losing weight is a temporary thing? Because you always find it again.

It's a good thing I am not attracted to skinny women.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Oh, gosh! That's what I need: day laborers!!!

fishducky said...

Mt daughter & I were discussibg how much we liked cookie dough ice cream the other day & my son in law--who is Italian--said he'd never heard of such a thing. He kept making "iiickk" & "yuuuckkk" noises.

CAT said...

From the Becky Homecky files...powdered dried eggs are already pasturized. They substitute nicely for raw eggs...ergo you can eat all the cookie dough you want! Weight gain, of course, being the only limiting factor.

Symdaddy said...

Oh dear! I do despair!

What will you lot over there think of next?

Worms inna bun?

Worm bolognese?

Don't worry about the extra pants size ... men can't tell the difference between size 16 & 18 anyway!

Belle said...

I love raw cookie dough and cake batter. My grandma used to babysit us and we all ate it raw together and baked some of it. Yum! I know you can get something from raw eggs, but I don't care.

NotesFromAbroad said...

You hire Day Laborers !! What is the point in being married then ?

CarrieBoo said...

Mmmmmm... dough... boy...

Michelle said...

Well..you keep deleting me for " nothing" PEARL!!!
What's wrong with saying " DEDOONV"..it 's not like I'm calling your mother
" a cunt"..which she probably was...but I didn't say that..I said DEDOONV.
So, let's play REAL dirty...like AGANDAR!
WOO...!!!
Naughty - naughty!
Then there 's DOQUE!!!
OMG!
FILTHY!!!
DISTA - ENECO - CAPPR- COMAS- TATTL...ok...so, delete and I'll be BACKA later.
" QUETTO TAIL- GATING!!!!!"

Laraine Eddington said...

Doesn't the thawing process burn calories? That is what I've always told myself.

WrathofDawn said...

Yes. Yes, I DO think gaining weight should be more difficult. Or that I shouldn't be so good at it. Of all the things I'd like to master in this life, gaining weight is not one of them and yet, I am the queen of gaining weight. I could give lessons.

The Elephant's Child said...

Uncooked bicuits, cakes, mmmmm. And while I would say that this is not something I do often, my thighs, butt and belly would disagree. Sigh.

Daisy said...

Why would you eat uncooked dough???? :-?
Sounds gross! I'm with your mother on this!

The Bug said...

Cookie dough is a fiend. It seems so innocent, but man it's just really evil. I've never gotten sick from eating it - well, except when I eat the WHOLE TUBE at one time. That's kind of sickening.

Argent said...

Pre-thigh! Classic! I can't eat raw dough. Cookies, however, are a different kettle of mixed metaphors entirely. Mmmmmmmm.

Gigi said...

Ah Pearl,yes gaining weight should at least be as difficult to put on as it is to (try to) take it off!! Just one more of life's inequities, I suppose.

Glen said...

nah - weight gaining SHOULD be fun - only stop when you have to buy a bigger bed

KAT said...

I'm not much on uncooked dough myself but if that's your ultimate temptation, go for it, girl!

Lou said...

Hi Pearl,I love to hear from people who are reading.

You are funny. We all need funny, especially me!!
My German grandmother (Oma) lived to 90 and she drank 2 raw eggs every day. She swore by them, but boy did they look gross. And I eat expired yogurt out of the work refrigerator when I get desperate. No problems so far.

As far as calories go, I like to make them count, so my cookies gotta be warm and gooey.

Julianna said...

It's not fat.

It's cushion and/or snuggle stabilizer.

Fragrant Liar said...

I could eat raw cookie dough any time of day, with or without milk. It's worth the Sam and Ella.

Steve Bailey said...

Sam and Ella are also very helpful at loosing weight.....

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

"pre-cooked, pre-thigh" love it.
Come on over to Steadfast for a glass of red wine, tomorrow (5:00 AM Eastern Standard Time...loving that post option of scheduled postings).

Rosemary

Diane said...

Mmmm. Cookie dough. I totally remember my Mom cautioning me that flour would give me worms. Too bad it didn't. I might not be having the 'thigh' conversation . . .

mystic29 said...

We've had that ghastly stuff here for some years now, before she done went and growed up and left home to live with her husband and raise a pack of kids (stops to take a breath) my daughter made me buy some for her to cook.
Belive me youre MUCH better off eating it raw than actually following the instructions and turning it into cooked hockey pucks.

the walking man said...

Actually it's not worms in the flower but beetles--grain beetles. Which is OK because for a few years they made really good music before you were born.

River said...

I've licked beaten raw egg whites from the beaters too, and many a wooden spoon has had cake batter licked from it.
But frozen cookie dough? Nu-uh. Never. ugh!

Pat said...

That's one temptation I can resist:)

Suldog said...

You reminded me of something I've done often in the past, but not in recent years. I used to mix a cake batter, and just eat it, uncooked. With a big glass of milk.

It's amazing I'm not dead yet...

Kath Lockett said...

Ah yes..... my brother and I used to fight over who got to lick the bowls and beaters after mum made cakes so when he was older (and we realised that we did, in fact, enjoy each others' company), I made him an entire bowl of raw cake mix to enjoy.

A couple of hours later, in front of TV, he ate the entire lot, looking a tad green about the gills afterwards. He appreciated the gesture but never asked for it to be made again....

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Pearl, you either live in the coolest place on the planet, or you travel in an uncharted universe seen only thru your eyes. What amazing adventures you have!
Rosemary