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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Local Turkey Seeks Hen for Long-Term Relationship, or Thanksgiving is not a Funny Holiday

Are you, like me, a single bird tired of the barn scene?

Like me, do you want more out of life than rising at dawn and stuffing your gullet with corn? Do you seek ground cover with someone who can challenge you, intellectually? How about travel? Do you foresee going to Iowa someday?

Hi! My name is Tom. I have been pecking and scratching since spring and am now looking for someone with whom I can share my life.

Could you be that special bird?

Although I currently work in a farming community, I am not opposed to meeting someone from the city. And while my accommodations at the moment are of a communal/roommate-living type arrangement, I’ve got my eye on several spots in the western suburbs for when the time comes to find a place of my own.

Physically, I’m pretty big for my age. The meals provided lately have been pretty heavy on the starches but I have plans for Bikram Yoga and a kickboxing class in the weeks before Christmas.

My pet peeves include jellied cranberries, birdshot, and dogs with a retrieving instinct. Hobbies include walking through the woods, bird watching, not-looking-up when it rains, and hot tubs.

But what about you?

Tell me about yourself. The ideal mate would be well-read and attractive. No artificial hormones, no alcoholics, and no chicks, please.

I’m booked ‘til next week but should have lots of time on my wings afterwards.

Call me!

42 comments:

Shelly said...

Good luck to you, Tom- especially tomorrow.

R. Jacob said...

oh pearl
It sounds like an ad I may write some day!

Joshua said...

I've included a picture. Call me.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Ah Tom....I'm an old bird myself. Probably too well stuffed at that. I am looking for a healthy young fellow to join me for Christmas dinner. I have a lovely stainless steel coop just waiting for the right chappie. Do drop by. Bring a warm sweater. (I'm sure you're just dying to meet me.)

haphazardlife said...

I hope you make it through the holiday intact, Turkey. I truly do.

Scarlet Blue said...

I may suit, I have a big red breast and like to be photographed topless. I am available for seasonal work throughout the Christmas holidays, I will forward my business card, please excuse the snow and the spade handle which I am posing on, but both are obligatorary in my line of work.
Sx

Lazarus said...

I'd like to venture into on-line dating but I hear it's a fowl world and I'm a big chicken. Plus, I'm still a student at Perdue University and need to concentrate on my studies, sorry.

Simply Suthern said...

Come on over here and let me baste, I mean rub the butter uh I mean oil on you before you get into this GE brand Tanning bed.

Hilary said...

I'm not inclined to answer such ads but I couldn't resist yours. There's something about your giblets I just couldn't resist.

First, I must warn you that I've only one drumstick. I tend to Hobble when others Gobble but it rarely puts me in a fowl mood. Please don't ask me how it happened though. It's a secret I'll take to my gravy. At least it didn't turn out as tragically as my previous partners incident. All our plans for a life together.. foiled. It wasn't easy to quit him cold turkey, but I digress.

Anyway, here I am, stuffed with hope for a new relationship. If my history is too fowl for you, I'm sure there's plenty of other meat to go around - most of which have a leg up on me.

Let me know if you think we should meat.

Pearl said...

:-) All the punsters are out, I see!

Pearl

Glen said...

I have a coat of many herbs and spices and my own bucket - call me

Eva Gallant said...

I am not nearly as clever as the previous commenters, but I loved this post and the results it produced! But really, I don't give a cluck!

Glen said...

Oh and have a stonking American thingermy bob tomorrow :-)

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Hey Tom --what exactly have you been scratching?
Happy Thanksgiving, Pearl and Tom :)

jenny_o said...

The "hot tub" hobby reminded me of a postcard I've seen: a cartoon of four people in a hot tub and Larry the lobster just stepping in, with the caption, "Too late, Larry realized he shouldn't have accepted the invitation from his new friends..."

Tom, be careful!

jenny_o said...

... and the mailman delivered "I Was Raised to be A Lert" this morning - looking forward to reading it this snowy day :) Thank you!

Roses said...

I hope you don't mind, but I'm a media studies student. I brought some bacon for you wear. Or is that a bit kinky for the first date? I thought we could try this out, since the steak dress worked for Lady Gaga.

Gigi said...

Oh wow! I wish I was just half as funny as you and your readers so I could come up with a clever comment.

But I'm not - so I'll just wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving....and uh, Tom? You might want to go into hiding for the next day or so.

Douglas said...

I cannot compete with your punsters, Pearl, so I won't try. But if Tom would like to join us for dinner tomorrow, we do have the perfect mate for him. I can just see the two of you sitting side by side on the table.

Pearl said...

You people are so weird.

:-)

I'm not writing a "Thanksgiving" post tomorrow -- although rest assured that I will be covered in gravy and stalking the elusive "third helping". But if there was something I was thankful for, it would be how much the internet has enriched my life. I am so glad that you guys like my writing, and I am so proud to call you my friends. We may never meet, but I am thankful to know that you are out there.

:-)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

That turkey's my best option yet. Sadly. And, um, perversely. Yeah, well, um Happy Thanksgiving, Pearl!
xoRobyn

Jamie Jo said...

Oh, and you're from Minnesota too!! Yay for Minnesota Bloggers!

Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for the laugh Tom.
I've got a few Turkeys over here, but they are all chicks.

Lo said...

I luv ya' Pearl, but I am not sure it is a good idea to anthropormorphize such a charming turkey for this blog. I have enough trouble already with the conflict between Green and Gourmand........sob.

fishducky said...

Funny, funny post--& HYSTERICAL comments!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! (Though probably no so mucht for Tom.)

That gentleman's lady said...

Ah.... Turkey..... I'm not interested but I have a friend that might be. Will need a contact number.

Joanne said...

You're earned one day off, with thanks for what's been. Is Tom really free next week, or delusional?

Silliyak said...

Heretofore I could not have imagined a scenario where I could have inquired about breast size, yet here we are!

The Happy Whisk said...

Goodbye, Tom.

Daisy said...

Tom, you might want to consider me since I live in Canada. We already celebrated "turkey day" so you'd be safe ... kinda. Christmas is coming. You'd look so chic with yams and gravy.

Linda O'Connell said...

Thanks for the wonderful laughs.

nixabn said...

*spreads tail feathers and struts*

bill lisleman said...

Check me out Tom, I was featured in the Twelve Days of Christmas, day number 6. Do you play goose goose?

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Happy, Happy and a Thankful thanksgiving day to you, Pearl. Tell Tom to visit Mr. Obama. I hear he gives free pardons to Turkeys.
Rosemary

Belle said...

Poor Tom- I guess it is too late for the Presidential pardon. :( He should have hopped a bus to D.C.
Happy Thanksgiving, Pearl.

Chip said...

Good luck mate! Hope all goes well :)

River said...

Oh that poor deluded Turkey. Willing to take a city hen, when everyone knows a free-ranging country hen is much sweeter.

Symdaddy said...

Thanksgiving!

Then Christmas!

A double-whammy for the Tom's of this world.

Any hen taking up with a risk-taker like him when it's only a matter of time before his goose is cooked ... well, she may as well baste him now and have done with it!

mystic29 said...

Hmm, is that hen still strutting your area Pearl? Are you thinking of starting a farm on your yard.. I'm sure the neighbours will love it!
Kymbo
http://tempo11.blogspot.com/

Tony McGurk said...

Ha Ha This is a hilarious post!!!
Found your blog from your Blogger Help question that I replied to as PBMP

the walking man said...

Hide out for the day dude.

vanilla said...

Oh, Pearl, you are so silly. I love it. Happy Thanksgiving!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Run for your life, Tom!