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Saturday, October 29, 2011

Hey, What's With the Holes in Your Ceiling?

I sat at Mary’s house the other night. Bowls of home-made chili and slabs of freshly baked bread comfortably downed, we sat in the living room, her dog T-Bone, Black Lab of Incredible Sincerity, at our feet.

“Did Anna friend you?”

Anna was someone from our past, a woman with an insanely cheerful and ambitious sexual history. She told crazy stories, sometimes backed up with the craziest of photos.

“On FaceBook?” I asked. “Yeah, but we don’t talk.”

“You remember the sex swing?”

Well who could forget something like that?

The sex swing figured prominently in Anna’s stories, and Mary and I found ourselves wondering aloud as to why we didn’t own one, why we hadn’t been telling stories about the sex swing.

I could post a picture, of course, but a wink, as they say, is as good as a nod.

It took several off-color jokes and a colored-pencil-and-glued-macaroni diagram (we couldn’t find the glitter), but we've come up with several ideas as to why we havw never owned a screwed-into-the-ceiling sexual-enhancement device.

In no particular order:
  • After finding a stud in the general populous, we’d have to find a stud in the ceiling. Have you seen me hang a picture? A nail pounded into a wall with the heel-end of a dress boot is my specialty.
  • Speaking of which, I’m going to need a full-color, instructional brochure on how to use such a swing. Perhaps something frame-worthy.
  • What about the amount of exercise that would have to take place prior to getting into the swing? I mean, who knows where those straps will cut? Control of the jiggle factor, to my mind, is crucial.
  • The drawing up and signing of the legal documents, holding me blameless and giving me rights to the story should anything untoward/amusing happen whilst strapped into the swing, would be prudent.
  • I would need to give ol’ Ron at Nationwide a call. Will my homeowner’s insurance cover enthusiastically-incurred injuries?
  • And speaking of insurance, do I have the money set aside to cover my medical deductible – and what are the odds of ending up in a Horrors of the Emergency Room video?
As you can see, Mary and I have put a lot of thought into this.

What can I say? That was some really good chili.

26 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Good Lord I haven't climbed onto a swing at the park in years let alone a "suspended from the ceiling device"... Suspension..yes, that's a problem for me.

Gigi said...

I'm thinking maybe you should talk to Anna. Sounds like she's the type that could provide you with endless material.

Eva Gallant said...

You had me roaring with this one! Best laugh I've had in a while!

Diane said...

Ummm . . . I want some of that chili. And/or fresh bread. Mary's obviously has ingredients mine doesn't . . .

JeannetteLS said...

I don't know... the thought is pretty scary... Halloween and all. The visuals at 59 are not real good here. I better go have some chocolate and recover.

ducksmahal.com said...

You can always use a swing set like the one I have in my room. The jiggle factor is actually necessary for the full visual stimuli.

Joanne said...

I remember seeing one of those back in the day, but couldn't figure it out through the smoke haze.

fishducky said...

I WAS RAISED TO BE A LERT just came in the mail. Can't wait to read it--while eating a bowl of chili, but not on a swing!

jabblog said...

Take the stories with a pinch of salt - or a seasick pill;-)

Susan in the Boonies said...

Spicy chili indeed! I remember when my facebook friends were all -a-twitter, as it were, about those little sit on the floor video rockers that kids sit in to play video games on the floor in front of the TV, and what could be done in them.

All it takes is a few yoga classes a week.

You'd be a master.

LOLA said...

Pearl,

You are hilarious. Now I can't stop thinking about swings and being a swinger.

Love,
Lola

jenny_o said...

You guys always have the most interesting discussions, AND good food!

The Elephant's Child said...

Oh dear. I think it is too early in the day for the visuals you have forced into my head.

River said...

I remember a vague referance to a sex swing several blog posts ago. Getting into one would be tricky indeed, but what about getting out again. I'll definitely pass on this one.

Michelle said...

Sex swings with Emily Slavik can be like that.
Such a Toilet Blog and saints' names ?
No wonder Ger and Risa have problems.
Dopete is stupid with dopers.

Saimi said...

HA! The only swing I'm swinging on is with the preschoolers and my butt barely fits! Maybe I need some of that chili!!

Michelle said...

Yeah..well that's exactly how we found out about all the RINGS!
CHILI!
She is one talker on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!
And know what she says?
RINGO.
EARL.
BILLY.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

You could post a picture. I mean -- it's not too late. You still could.

Julianna said...

I'm thinking...

...that's some "special" chilli.

Belle said...

My hubby's weight combined with mine would bring the ceiling down for sure.

Murr Brewster said...

I think it's an easy install as long as you have good screws, but then you wouldn't need one. I'll try anything as long as no one gets a view of me hanging over him. (Go ahead--put a mirror on the floor and bend over it.)

Michelle said...

That is true ..and REMY is now talking about YOKO ONO...
777 Pink Panda ST ?
Pugglesville?

Tempo said...

It must have been a very distracting story Pearl, thats the first time I've noticed a typo in one of your stories. I've heard of these swings but I'm pretty sure I dont need one... Then again, theres always the public playgrounds...at three in the morning.

The Jules said...

It's supposed to be a sex SWING is it? Damn! I've got a slide and see-saw in my love-dungeon.

No wonder those ladies never came back.

Suppose I'd better go and put them back in the park then.

R. Jacob said...

Somehow, it would appear that the lively discussion that followed home made chili and bread
was washed down with a wonderful libation that was the source of the conversation turning to a discussion of sex swings? I must somehow get an invite to the next dinner!

xo

Macy said...

You can buy used ones on ebay you know!

Might want to buy your own seat though...