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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Doctor Will See You Now, or At Last! Affordable Health Care!

Having grown up on the road – and borne the abuse a last name that is an absolute Scrabble goldmine can garner – I am keenly aware of the modus operandi of the bully.

And of the unhinged.

You may have been witness recently – here and perhaps on your own blog – to the miscreant who believes that his anonymity has imbued him with power.

I’ve come to know, in, oh, these 29 years on Earth, that the half-lidded look of dismissal, coupled with the curled upper lip of disdain, goes a long way toward letting someone know that you’re sick and tired of their foolishness and that they should, if you’ll pardon the expression, beat it.

It is when they can’t see that look, however, when there are no immediate consequences to behaving badly, when that person is free to disgorge conspiracy theories that include the random and haphazard use of capital letters, at liberty to hurl obscenities at people they can’t see, that my usual methods for dealing with boors falls apart.

How will you know how sick of you I am if you can’t see my face?

And how will I miss you if you won’t go away?

This is the last time I will speak on this subject, as I tire of things easily, but the ability to comment anonymously on my blog has been removed. I encourage those without a gmail account to get one, if only for the purpose of commenting on blogspot blogs.

That said – and contrary to appearances – this post is not about the irrational among us.

It’s about Mary’s recipe to eradicate the cold that I have coming on.

She’s called me, early-morning like, as she is wont to do.

“Good morning, Acme World O’ Widgets.”

“Is that what you’re calling it now?”

“I knew it was you!”

“Heeeey,” she suspicions, eyes audibly narrowing, “why do you sound like that?”

“Like what? Like a toad with a hangover?”

“Nice,” she chortles, “and yes.”

“I think I’m getting a cold.”

You can hear Mary rubbing her little hands together. “OK. Here’s what you do –“

“Man,” I whine, “I am full-grown. I raised a child and –“

“Shhh,” she soothes. “Let me do my work.”

We laugh. Mary is a bit of a caregiver.

I give in. She’s the biker mother I never had. “All right, weirdo. Go.”

“OK. After work, you go get some cranberry juice and some Nyquil. You drink the juice, then you drink at least two doses of the Nyquil – are you writing this down?”

“Overdose on Nyquil. Contact local rehab center.  Check.“

“Shhh,” she says, laughing. “You’re ill and don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Go on,” I say.

“You take a hot bath, wrap up in a big blanket, and turn on something truly stupid on TV. Might I recommend something in the prime time line-up?”

“Gotcha,” I say, pretending to take notes. “Hot bath, blanket, stupid.”

“You wait until your eyelids get really heavy or until they cross. Or both. I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Sure,” I say, smiling. “Everyone heals differently.”

“Shhh,” she says. “Don’t fight me. You’re feverish.”

“I’m not fever—“

“ONCE YOUR EYES CROSS PROPERLY,” she interrupts, “you go to bed, you pile the blankets up, and you stay there.”

“That’s quite the treatment plan,” I say.

“Hey,” she says, “I fuss because I care.”


Anonymous said...

I wondered when I saw those messages what the heck was happening....ah well, when you're popular you attract some of the darndest people. The cold? I highly recommend chicken soup. It is a proven fact that the enzymes in chicken broth have healing powers. Plus it just tastes and feels good sliding down. Feel better soon and may your force field against idiots work.

SherilinR said...

interesting. i wonder how the OD on Nyquil helps.
now i'm curious about the rotten comments. i had to take the anon commenting off for a while too. after a few months i put it back & i haven't had any problems since.

Bossy Betty said...

I like the way Mary works!

Sorry you got hassled by the commenters from hell.

Shelly said...

Anonymity breeds nothing productive. I had my first anonymous hater very recently on my blog. If you do the Nyquil bit, at least you won't know you're sick...

Argent said...

Been lucky enough so far not to get haters commenting - I can't honestly see the point of flinging poo when you can't see what happens after. I the blog owner just deletes the comment without comment, as it were, then it kind of ruins the fun I'd have thought. Probably kids anyway.

I do like Dr Mary though - everybody needs somebody like her in their life I think.

Pearl said...

Delores, mmmm. Medicine that tastes good. :-)

Sherilin, it was just random, incomplete sentences (for the most part) interspersed with nonsensical words and the odd obscenity...

Betty, yeah. That Mary. :-)

Shelly, you're kidding me! I'm surprised. I read your blog, and what in the world could you have said that someone would hate?! As my Boy used to say: wee-ewd.

Pearl said...

Argent, Mary is full of great ideas. :-) Just ask her.

Daisy said...

I missed the unhinged bully or I would have bitten him on the ankle with all my 7 teeth.

The cold remedy does work, altho I suggest taking the hot bath first, and then substituting a good Scotch whiskey for the Nyquil. And of course, home made chicken soup.

Daisy and Barbara

Pearl said...

Daisy, I do enjoy the threat of a good dog bite. :-) Mmmm. Hot bath, whisky, soup. I should get a cold more often!

The Jules said...

Two words: tobacco enema.

Bet you miss your anonymous nutter now eh?

Camille said...

Bravo on blocking the weirdo - he/she was making my skin crawl. And regarding your pending "cold.in.da.nose" - don't forget to use your new Neti pot! It will work a charm. Nyquil makes me hyper - I'd end up rearranging my spice cabinet for hours.

Pearl said...

Jules, you always make me smile. I saw the tobacco enema link you left me yesterday. Somewhat like blowing smoke up the ol' wazoo, as my mother would say, but without the crowd participation. :-)

Pearl said...

Camille, ah! I almost forgot the neti! You're absolutely right. :-) And you're hyper on Nyquil? Wish I was -- you should see my pantry...

Lisa said...

I fuss because I care could become the next Zazzle tee shirt sensation!

Eva Gallant said...

Hope the cold goes away, despite the suggested remedies! lol

Anonymous said...

Boor. Now there is a word you don’t see too often. In fact, first time I ever seen it.

I’m with you, make the anonymous walk the plank.

Wont. Now there is a word you don’t see too often. I always thought it was want. So, errrrnt, wrong answer from me, next contestant.

Chortles. What? You got a thesaurus in the potty?

I think there is scientific basis for Mary’s treatment plan backed by stacks and stacks of clinical trials and study. I like this one they call Mary - as he writes while closing down three pages of internet dictionaries and thesauruses.

…AND, hope you get to feelin’ better soon.

Irisheyes said...

I am telling you, the Cranberry/NyQuil/Freaky TV plan works. Trust me, I don't even the the flu shot and I am alive and kickin'! In my professional opionion...watching "Spinal Tap" works the best. You'll see.

Irisheyes said...

I meant to say..."I don't even GET the flu shot". My apologies, my eyes were crossed when I was typing.:)

Joyful Things said...

Hot Neo Citran and dark Rum - in the same steamy mug. And, I lived to tell about it. But only barely.

Also, good job on telling that freak to move on.

JeannetteLS said...

I'm with Lisa... and "A Mighty Wind" works well if you were ever subjected to my generations penchant for folk music when I was REALLY young... A baby?

I fuss because I care is priceless.

As for the Trolls who are Anonymous? I see no particular hope that they will stop. They will simply make up names, and you may block them, but they will make up other names after a while.

Fortunately, my blog is so "Examine my Own Navelish" no troll would bother!

The cure almost makes me want a cold... well. that might be an overstatement. Maybe I'll just watch the movie and curl up under the blankets.

Student of Presence and Joy said...

Good for you taking care of yourself! Don't forget the Echinacea!

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! This is all fine advice, and I salute Mary's sentiment. I had to dispense similar fussing care to a friend recently, for which I hope I was forgiven. It was for their own good, which is as sure a sign that I'm a bully as any other. Now, eat your vegetables. Indigo x

That gentleman's lady said...

hugs! hope it all gets sorted out. tiresome idiot be gone!!

*waves magic wand three times*

there - sorted :P

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

That's as precious as the advice I actually got for a sprained ankle and tennis elbow yesterday: take Alleve for 10 days and ice them. Nice.

Shelly said...

Pearl: In comment to your comment, my anonymous hater didn't like the fact that during a circuit training workout at the gym, I got competitive with another person who was challenging me at the push-up station. Oy vey-

NYEMT said...

I won't be sorry to see your nutjob commenter vanish into the ether. I'm all for the creative and unexpected use of obscenity (as the Missus and those who occasionally help me work around the house will eagerly attest), but I'm all about context, and he/she/it had a distinct absence of grasp of that. Good riddance. :)

Leenie said...

Mary is very wise! You're so lucky to have such a friend. Nyquill hits me so hard I have to get in bed and be ready to go into a coma before I even take it.

Jocelyn said...

The only thing dear Mary forgot to prescribe was an onion poultice on your chest. Perhaps some nutjob asshat out on the Internet would like to come over and apply it to your creamy, infected chestals.

jenny_o said...

Thank you for telling us non-bloggers how to comment, Pearl. You're worth reading without commenting but it's a lonelier experience :)

Hope your cold disappears quickly.


Joanne said...

Geeze, you're going from one malady to the next. Hope the end of the cold is the end of everything the doc couldn't find wrong, too. Did the doc throw in a thyroid test?

jabblog said...

Vitamin C and hot drinks and when you're well again, a course (3 months at least) of echinacea.
Hope you feel better soon.

fishducky said...

Just wondering--what do chickens do when they have a cold?

I just remembered a FAR SIDE cartoon--a chicken is serving her obviously sick rooster husband, who is in bed, a bowl of chicken soup. He has apparently refused it because the line underneath the picture is, "Eat it! It's good for you & it isn't anyone we know!"

bill lisleman said...

"the biker mother I never had" - ha did you ever wish you had a biker mom?
That treatment beats just taking two aspirin and going to bed.

Pearl said...


Lisa, Mary swears something I told her about 20 years ago – “lower your expectations” – should be embroidered on a pillow. Every year I think that that’s what she’ll get me for Christmas…

Eva, sometimes the remedies are more fun than curative!

Ducks, you should talk to me in real life. I have a lovely vocabulary and I ain’t afraid to use it. I used to be. Honestly. Was afraid of what people would think. Then I realized that English is my native tongue and that it’s only right that I used it as rigorously as possible. :-)

Irisheyes, if that is, indeed your name, MARY, I love that movie! I’m feelin’ that it’s scary movie time, though. Might have to watch John Carpenter’s The Thing again tonight – that one always gives me the creeps. :-)

Joyful Things, there’s nothing like a good old-fashioned sedative!!

Jeannette, I loved A Mighty Wind, too. Such a sweet movie. (Grew up on the Kingston Trio, nestled in there amongst the Big Band.) Waiting for Guffman was good fun as well, as was Best in Show. There was just one of theirs that disappointed me, and I can’t even remember the name. Something about an established actress (Kathryn O’Hara?) up to win an award. It missed, just barely…

SOPAJ! I’m thinking of twirling around in the bathroom until I get dizzy and then just taking a couple hands full of whatever I find in the medicine cabinet. :-)

Indigo, my friend, I had a big heaping MOUND of vegetables for lunch, on your advice. :-)

That gentleman’s lady, THANK YOU for your help and advice the other day. :-) I like that. “Sorted”, you say. And it was, wasn’t it? It’s been sorted. :-)

Green Girl, :-) Who knew, huh? “Stay off it.” “Drink lots of water.” “Stand up straight.” And of course my mother’s advice: “See if you can’t poop.”
Shelly! Too funny. I need the other people around me (even at yoga) to keep me going? Will I be out-sit-upped (yes, we do sit-ups in yoga) by the slender young thing next to me, half my age? I will not.

NYEMT, absolutely! I was saying that just the other day: there is plenty of room for obscenities, particularly when used well, but context, people! Context!

Leenie, she’s a good one. Silly, hardworking, loving, and loyal. She’s like the Black Lab of friendship. :-)

Jocelyn, I’m never going to live the poultice thing down, am I? No, luckily our friend is far, far to the north. The Great White North, as a matter of fact, which kind of bums me out, for some reason. Totally blows my prior prejudices re: the Canucks. :-)

Jenny_O, I was actually thinking of you when I wrote that. :-)

Joanne, there was a thyroid test, actually, and the results were just a notch or two above normal. He said it was nothing. Honestly, I think it’s been a combination of stress (work, maybe even home life) and the fact that the people in my immediate vicinity at work have all been sick with one thing or another. I’m thinking of wandering into one of their offices right now and sneezing on someone…

Jabblog, I don’t think I’ve actually ever taken Echinacea in what would be described as a “course”, but it seems that perhaps I should. And I will. You do seem to have a good head on your shoulders, so why shouldn’t I take advantage of it?!

Fishducky, oh, how I loved The Far Side. I’ll never get the image of the Boneless Chicken Ranch out of my head… :-)

Lisleman! No, honestly, I’m not sure I ever wanted a biker mom. :-) But if I DID have a biker mom, it would be Mary. Plus she makes a mean Shepherd’s Pie. Not sure that that has anything to do with the biker aspect of her, but who wouldn’t want to come home to the smell of that in the oven?!

Pearl said...

NYEMT, why isn't your blog linked to your e-mail address! I can't reach you!!

Douglas said...

What can I say that has not already been said. Mary is indeed a treasure but it seems she somehow knew you needed her that morning. If I was paranoid (and I am not, in spite of that scheme to make me appear to be), I'd think she had something to do with you catching that cold.

My personal home treatment is a shot of whiskey in a cup of hot lemonade with a spoonful of honey. Faye says hers is "a roll in bed with honey." I'm "honey", by the way.

You could add a Magic Brownie or two to my lemonade cure-all.

Kelley said...

I totally need to take the ability to comment anonymously on my blog off. Totally need to do that. I like Mary's plan, by the way. Laying on a couch in blankets watch stupid TV sounds very relaxing right now. And kind of fun.

Anonymous said...

Hell, I might do this tonight, and I don't even have a cold coming on.

Diane said...

So the irritations are piling up, are they? Sorry to hear that. I wonder what Mary would suggest to eradicate the first irritation? I do like her take on the second one. Could she please fuss over me??? :)

Anonymous said...

OK, so you do all that wrapping up and trussing of your feverish body -- sorry, but didn't mean to make it sound like B&D -- and climb snuggly into bed and the moment that happens you will become powerfully aware of an overfull verging on disaster bladder. Guaranteed.

Macy said...

Spooky Pearl!!! We've just identified a blogger who wasn't anonymous, but pretending to be a female cancer patient.
He wasn't.
This has been a bit of an upset as the deception has gone on for years - and involved a real cancer sufferer and others.

Your response is brilliant. You don't need me to tell you that though!

Gigi said...

Well, I WAS going to say good riddance to bad rubbish but.....

I like the Nyquil theory. It may not cure you but it will knock you out long enough that the cold will be gone when you wake up.

Anonymous said...

Wait, you mean this curative does not include a bowel movement?

vanilla said...

Between your mother's counselling ("Have you p--ped?") and Mary's prescriptions, I don't see how you can not be well by morning.

The Elephant's Child said...

A cold makes a person feel awful out of all proportion to the severity of the illness. Get better soon. And perhaps the absence of Captain Capital Letters will help.

laughingmom said...

After the Nyquil you might want avoid the shopping channels that is unless you like getting surprise packages in the mail!

Jo said...

Pearl, here is the address of your crazy person:
I've just reported them to Blogger, and you need to do the same. This person seems to be rather disturbed. What a pain.
Hope you feel better soon, I swear by NyQuil!

Julianna said...

Ahhh! The Anon. Commenter.

I love the one who is Annonymus, but leaves his website.

Cloudia said...

you ARE popular, girl!

Aloha from Honolulu

Comfort Spiral

> < } } ( ° >

Crystal Pistol said...

Hot bath, blanket, stupid... This is precisely how I unwind on a daily basis. It works wonders.

You have the coolest friends!

Lucy said...

Difficult when one is the 55th person to leave a comment. I really can't pretend I've read them so apologies if this mere repetition.

I'm surprised when people allow anonymous comments. I'm surprised people don't use word verification. It's not just that these ruses screen out some unpleasantries and spam we, as blog authors, do not care to read; it's a protection for other readers who don't want their days spoilt by inanities and irrelevencies.

However . . . I'm just wondering . . . the kind of comment system you are using . . . it has the advantage that one can tick for email subscription as an after-thought . . . but, apart from that, it's a bit cumbersome.

I'm lucky. I think the only time I've ever been offended by anything anyone left on one of my blogs was when someone suggested one of my photographs had been taken from a computer game. (I think they really thought it too!) I got very huffy!

Sorry you have had troubles with comments.

Hope your cold and un-wellness passes soon.

Glad you have someone to watch over you.

Lucy said...

P.S. It's only cumbersome if you introduce word verification . . . but the time may come when you feel you have to.

River said...

When both eyes are thoroughly crossed, you're likely to see two beds. Don't get into the wrong one. When your eyes uncross again, the wrong bed will disappear and take you with it.

Linda O'Connell said...

Full of typos, sorry.
A cure for what ails you: salt water and a cool drink. You know what I mean, the beach and a tall one laced with NyQuil. Should do the trick.

NYEMT said...

Um...I don't have a blog. ::hangs head in shame::

I'm strictly a lurker and occasional commenter. And I dunno why my email isn't visible. I promise I'll try to sort it out a bit later, after the urchins have launched for the day and I have some (ha-ha) free time. I don't know WHY you would want to reach me...you're a world-famous blogger and I'm an unheard-of expatriate Minnesotan stuck in upstate NY. But I'm honored. :)

Teresa Evangeline said...

I received a few anonymous hate comments last year and so went to comment approval, which I know must be a pain to my readers, but I didn't want to give that idiot any "air time."

As always, an enjoyable read.

Me, just to the north of you. :)

Kara said...

Whoa! I must have missed all the excitement around here. I absolutely love the way you handled the irrational boor.

I hope the home remedy works!

Kristy said...

What a good friend!! Then, I would have to put her on the phone with my husband so he would know that I had to be out of commission for the rest of the night and child rearing would be up to him.