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Friday, October 21, 2011

Call Me When You Get Her to the Car, or What's A Small Felony between Friends?

Once again we come to a screeching yet temporary halt -- the end of a work week, the beginning of a weekend, and we ask ourselves, Selves, what do you suppose will happen next?

Ladies and gentlemen, mods and rockers, behold the iPod, the aural oracle, for as is well known by as many as 184 to 240 people at a time, my iPod, played during my Friday morning commute, is both prophetic and fully funkified.

It's perfectly true.

Shhh. Let’s listen.

Train in Vain (Stand by Me) by The Clash
I Can’t Get Next to You by The Temptations
Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand
Tighten Up by The Black Keys
Kiss, Kiss by Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs
Have A Little Faith in Me by The BellRays
Loaded by The Idle Hands

So there you have it. Whatever you’ve been striving for lately? Keep on a’striving. Good things are about to happen.

Time for a story?

A quick one.

Call Me Again When You Get Her to the Car

I check the clock next to the bed: 12:40. I consider, reconsider, then answer the phone anyway.


“You haffa come up here.”


“Come up here. I need you to help me kick someone’s ass.”

Hmm. Marie just may be drunk. Slender and beautiful, in all the years I've known her, I don't think I've heard her like this more than a handful of times.

I sit up, switch ears. “What’s going on?”

“Todd, that –“ She goes on to describe her recent ex in glowering, apocalyptic terms. Words related to his physical shortcomings, his mental deficiencies, his fiscal future, and a particularly juicy bit of supposition regarding his lineage tumble out of her angrily.

I laugh softly. “Why do you even care? Seriously, he’s an idiot.”

“I – hic! – know!” she slurs. “And that’s why I’m gonna haffa kill this girl.”

“What girl?”

“His new girlfriend! The stupid bestid has a new girlfriend! It’s been two weeks and he brings her to my bar? My bar! My pool table!”

She pauses, takes a drink. In the background, a toilet flushes, a hot-air hand dryer comes on.

“I want you to get dressed and come down here,” she continues. “Bring a pillow case an’ some rope.”

“Aw, shoot, Marie. What for?”

“’Cuz I kicked in the bathroom door earlier, made her jump up on the toilet.” Marie laughs. “Oh, Pearl, you shoulda seen ‘er.”

“I’ll bet it was awesome,” I say.

“It was. Seriously, she thinks she can hide from me in a bathroom stall? I tol’ her I was gonna throw a pillow case over her head and beat her with a tube sock full of oranges, stuff her into the trunk of my car, and drag her out to the nature center.”

Marie takes another drink. “Oh, yeah,” she says, hiccupping softly, “I need you to bring a tube sock. And some oranges.”

“Absolutely,” I say. “Tube sock. Oranges. That’s a great idea. Who do we know with access to bail money?”

There is silence followed by a heavy sigh.

“I can’t do this, can I?”

I switch ears. “Probably not,” I yawn, “but we can talk about it some more, if you want.”

A small puff of air escapes her: Pffffft. “Nah. I’m better now. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Hey, Marie?”


“Call a cab, would ya?”

She laughs. “Good idea.”


aBroad said...

Tighten Up !! omigod ... my childhood just flashed by ~ Thanks. Thanks a lot .. how old am I ?

vanyelmoon said...

I think we all have had moments like Marie's. A tube sock full of oranges is classic.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Just. Wow.

Matthew MacNish said...

I hope it was the White Bear Bar. Or the Turf Club.

Eva Gallant said...

Too funny. You're a good friend!

Joyful Things said...

ah yes, dialing drunk. I'm in with Marie - Todd's a bastard

Pearl said...

aBroad, what?!! I was dancing to the Average White Band's version of that right alongside you!! :-) We're not old, baby. We're vintage.

vanyelmoon, I loved the fact that she thought I might have a pair of tube socks. :-)

ducksmahal, we never did beat up that poor girl...

Matthew, HA! Actually I think it was some club that doesn't exist anymore!

Eva, hey. Who has money for attorney's fees?!

Joyful Things, he was. And is. :-)

Anonymous said...

Nice playlist this morning. I've had phone calls like this before but they ended differently - Ill make no comment further, taking the fifth.

vanilla said...

Pearl, to a friend in need
listened. A friend, indeed.

Anonymous said...

A good piece of advice at the end.

Leenie said...

"We're not old, baby. We're vintage." HA. So can you talk me down from taking a razor to this freakin' wart? Or buy it?

Sioux said...

I myself usually resort to a sock full of bananas instead of oranges. After the beating is complete, you have the main ingredients for banana bread...

ipenka said...

From the standpoint of a friend:perfect.

From the standpoint of entertainment on the news: horrible.

Just once, I'd like to hear a report about a woman being arrested for "knocking out a woman using a tubesock with oranges". How awesome would that be!

Susan Kane said...

You have a most interesting group of friends, and you are a saint. Oranges? Have you seen the price of those things? Rocks are cheaper.

Douglas said...

Marie sounds just like my ex-wife... tall, slender, drunk and still possessive. I hear she's not all that slender anymore. Karma...

The Elephant's Child said...

Here I am starting my weekend snickering. Thanks. And with the price of oranges here if you could afford to do the beating you could also afford bail.

The Jules said...

"Absolutely. That's a great idea."

Just loved this.

Lolamouse said...

Sounds like you missed out on a good time! Would lemons from the bar and a dishrag work?

Belle said...

I would use the sock on the guy.

Anonymous said...

Well, if it's TEXAS HETU and GYRAM GUY they arethe PEDSGRA they are talking about?
PEARL...can you tell us about PEDSGRA on SATURDAY?
What region of FRANCE is this PEDSGRA from?
You keep us informed now...you're the connoisseur ....CONST.

Tempo said...

Oh Pearl, you know the nicest people... LOL but I see you've learned a lot about drunks...Rule 1: never disagree with a drunk!
...and what a way to make juice..

Molly Potter said...

So you get a real-time, drunken, real-life, potentially crime inciting, anger fuelled phone call as your bedtime story.

I think I'd prefer Cinderella.

Your life is brimming Pearl xxx

Judie said...

A tube sock full of oranges. I would never have thought of that one! Funny. Very funny.