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Friday, October 14, 2011

And Now, a Word from Your Human Resources Department

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Friday, the day we ask ourselves such questions as “What’s this?”, “Who’s that?” and “Why don’t we go out for dinner?”

All perfectly reasonable questions. Now if only we had answers…

But wait! A long time ago, I decided that whenever possible, I would not only create my own reality, but I would do my best to convince others that it was substantive.

In other words, have you seen my iPod? Because my iPod – and it’s perfectly true, you can ask my dad – set on shuffle and played during my Friday-morning commute, foretells the future.

Not only is it absolutely true, it’s also perfectly legal.

Really.

Oh My God by Kaiser Chiefs
A Smith Named Greg by Stan Kenton and His Orchestra
I Feel for You by Chaka Khan
Crazy by Gnarls Barkley
Blow at High Dough by The Tragically Hip
Demolition Man by The Police
Speed King by Deep Purple

And there you have it. And now that you’ve gotten it, I suggest a quick run to the doctor for help to get rid of it. You can leave right after the meeting…

Shhh. I don’t know why they have these things on Friday. Looks like we’re just in time…



Hello, and welcome to Acme Napkins and Grommets’ Quarterly State of the Business Meeting.

We here at Acme Grommets and Napkins appreciate the dedication and loyalty you’ve shown lo these past three years. The current economic downturn has been hard on all of us; and we value both your commitment to the firm and your willingness to embrace pay rates first considered “livable” during the Industrial Revolution. I, personally, have been forced to not only cut the delivery of fresh flowers for the executive lavatories to once a week but to limit the champagne at the executive box seats at the opera to domestic only.

But we all make sacrifices, don’t we?

And frankly, that’s what today’s meeting is all about: sacrifices. Because if you’re like me – and I can see by the intense looks of unrestrained interest on your faces that you are – you will want to know how you fit in, how you can help keep this particular boat afloat as we navigate the rapids of rising costs and falling wages and how you can ensure that you and your loved ones keep a roof over your head and shoes on your feet.

It is at this point that I turn the microphone over to Dirk Hardly, VP of HR. Dirk?

Thanks, Bob. I’m here today to talk to our team members about the importance of staying positive and staying employed. As many of you know, there are plenty of opportunities available outside of Acme Grommets and Napkins for those interested in such diverse categories as curbside drug distribution, the adult entertainment industry, and whatever they’re calling those guys that stand at intersections holding the “Going Out of Business, Everything 70% Off” signs we see so often these days.

The truth is that we’re just one big family here at Acme Napkins and Grommets. Why, I started here at the same time as Pearl over there. As a matter of fact, we sat next to each other in orientation. And yet look at us! We don’t speak, we’ve never had a meal together. And that’s because we’re a family; and I am the one with the good job, the one with a child in a private school and six weeks of vacation while Pearl? Pearl is the one you call when you need something typed quickly, isn’t that right, Pearl? Ha ha. That Pearl. You can just tell by the look on her face what a sense of humor she has.

So where does that leave us? Frankly, I’m not sure. And that’s because families often don’t know what will happen next, do they? The world is a mystery. And yet you love your family, you stick with them, no matter what. Through the easy times and the hard times – but especially the hard times – we stick together, because how would we replace you? Would we put an ad in Monster? Or would we contract out to temps?

As I said, the world is a mystery.

And with that flippant and thinly veiled threat, we’ll close this meeting with HR’s motto: Who Ya Gonna Complain To?

Thanks for attending, everyone. Now let’s get out there and be profitable.

31 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

They never change do they?

Pearl said...

Delores, the only thing that changes is the name of the business...

Audubon Ron said...

Hallmark Cards for the recently laid off:

Good luck in the future, we will never be able to replace you. You have no idea the depth of our sympathies, b/c, they're really, really deep. So, we hope that you get employed soon.

Sincerely,
Dirk

vanyelmoon said...

Sounds like a meeting I was at on Wednesday. My chief spoke cryptically about "change," but didn't explain anything. Left us all scratching our heads in confusion. We may never know what he meant :)

Shelly said...

Chaka Khan and The Police- love kickin' it old school!

Pearl said...

Ron, and now I'm wondering -- ARE there employment-related cards??

vanyelmoon, as James Brown used to say "talking loud and saying nothing". :-)

Shelly, remember when "Feel for You" came out? Oh, I thought the "Chaka Khan let me rock you, let me rock you Chaka Khan" bit was just he coolest thing ever...

Audubon Ron said...

http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2011-09-28/business/fl-job-loss-greeting-card-hallmark-20110928_1_greeting-cards-hallmark-stores-online-card-companies

Tom G. said...

"Spinners". That's what they call the going out of business sign people.

Don't ask why I know this.

- OccupyProspect

Andrea said...

If I rallied the ipod I'm afraid it would tell me what I already know:

My Dog Is From Aggressive Dogs.com
The TV Don't Work In That Corner Of The Room
Let's Go To The Post Office (on permanent repeat)

As for jobs, I honestly don't know how people live these days.

Pat said...

Couldn't you get the cats to sort him out?

Joshua said...

The title of the first song in the mix? That about sums up everything that's come out of my mouth today. With the exception of toothpaste.

Hospitable Scots Bachelor said...

What no Steely Dan? Shame on yoooo!

Vicus Scurra said...

Truly lovely.
Truly, truly lovely.

I am, however, left with the responsibility of checking out the music in your previous posts, because it appears that you have quite good taste - for a girl, anyway. I was in need of someone to highlight nice songs from modern beat combos.

Suldog said...

All I know is, anybody with "Speed King" on their I-Pod would definitely be first in line for a job at MY company (if I had one, which I don't, so no use calling me, but... Good Golly, said Little Miss Molly!)

Joyful Things said...

They seem to hang the treat of lay offs over your heads quite frequently, don't they? Bastards! If only there was a way to stick it to them without losing your job or going to jail.......

Joyful Things said...

treat? I meant threat. getting laid off is not a treat....

Kara said...

It's my new pet peeve - having to listen to people who haven't got a clue sympathize about the hard times.

Gigi said...

Today's post is very fitting, seeing as we received not one, but TWO, emails from HR today. After grumbling "What now?" under my breath, I deleted them.

Belle said...

I'm just thankful my husband is in a union and everyone needs natural gas to heat their house.

Eva Gallant said...

Funny, but sadly realistic.

IndigoWrath said...

"I’m here today to talk to our team members about the importance of staying positive and staying employed." I was at the same meeting this morning. Bastards.

danneromero said...

OMG... pearl.. you are so talented... always looking forward to your posts...

Linda Myers said...

I checked the website of the place I worked until June 2010. They have my job opening listed. I remembered the good things - love the work, love the money, love the benefits, love some of the people. Then I remembered the other things - poor management, tolerance of bad behavior, political games. Decided not to apply.

Sandra said...

Pearl, you had me at the Tragically Hip!

The Savage said...

It is nice to know that there really and truly are unemployment cards on the market.

Pearl, you are made of awesome.

Kavi said...

Ooh... HR folks are at the receiving end. The world over !! ;)

Dave King said...

The world is a mystery, but obviously the iPod is tuned in to the source of the mystery. I wonder if it's all iPods or just yours... I'd dearly love to know!

ain't for city gals said...

Beware of anyone who says "We are one big family"...and that includes family!..

Sioux said...

Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" is my theme song. As a teacher, we have the same sort of meetings. Except we hear, "If we don't get the test scores up, the state is going to come and take us over." Then I will be the one vying for a primo street corner, with my sign and my high heels and queen-sized hot pants. (Hey, if I can combine the "adult entertainment" gig and the "sad person with a sign on the street" gig, I can double my money...)

Pat Tillett said...

It's not all fun and games anymore. My last boss (who ran a big factory type place) was so employee oriented that it got him in trouble. He ALWAYS thought about the employees first. Needless to say, he was a rare breed. My favorite of all time.
Oh yeah, when times were hard for us a while back. My wife and "spun" signs for a couple years every weekend. here's a link to my post about it, if you are interested that is...

http://patricktillett.blogspot.com/2010/03/human-directionals.html

Joyful Things said...

I had to let you know about this company called Despair. They sell demotivator calendars and posters - the following is a line from an article written on them at http://money.cnn.com/galleries/2011/smallbusiness/1110/gallery.bosses/2.html :

"For example, one of their best-selling posters depicts people rowing a boat with a headline that says: "Get To Work," which is followed by the caption: "You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams."

Maybe you could pin some of these up in the HR offices.