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Thursday, September 8, 2011

Well They Don’t Just Make ANYone Wood Tick Inspector, You Know

You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but I am both a mixture of appearing to be gullible and actually being gullible.  That is, while possessing a look that causes some men to apologize after swearing, I also, apparently, have the kind of face that says “See if she’ll make change for a $24 bill.”

Change for a $24?  Sure!  Now all we have to do is decide if you’d rather have four sixes or two twelves…

Seems I’ve always been gullible.  Take, for example, the weekend after my brother and I saw ”Jaws” seven times.  Nothing like a relaxing weekend at the lake!  Nothing like it until one hears one's brother screamed insistence to “Swim, Pearl!  Swim!  Killer Muskie!  Killer Muuuuuuuuuuskie!”, causing me to swim like something out of a Keystone Kops reel, complete with rolling eyes and double-takes.  Convinced that a seven-foot Muskellunge was preparing to strip the flesh from my lower legs, I swam as if I were being paid to do so.

Kevin laughed until he took on water.

Being gullible is what also led me, at the age of 16, to boast that my boyfriend was a “bikini inspector”.

What could I do?  The card he presented clearly said “Licensed Bikini Inspector”.

And for those of you keeping score at home, yes, my swimsuit passed with flying colors. 

So when the man in the dirty tee-shirt showed up at the bus stop Tuesday morning, I was skeptical.  Sure, he presented all the proper identification you’d expect to see in a North American Wood Tick Inspector, but something about his lurching, hiccupping appearance just prior to the 6:24 bus made me uneasy.

Still.  North American Wood Tick Inspector.  You gotta respect a working man, am I right? 

I hand his credentials back to him.  “So you’re just in the neighborhood?”

“Thazz righ’,” he says, his heavily lidded eyes closing for disturbing lengths of time.  “I wuz over at – hic! – Mayslack’s lazz nigh’ an’ sure enough diddin I fin’ wood ticks?”  He pauses.  “You been up to Mayslack’s?”

“Of course,” I say.  “This is my neighborhood.”

“So then you know Debbie?”

“No.”

“Patti?”

“No.”

“Gina?”

“No.”

“Lori?”

I play along.  “I know Lori,” I say.  “Everyone knows Lori.”

“Well there ya go,” he says.  “You as’ Lori ‘bou’ me.  As’ her ‘bou’ the Wood Tick man.  I check her last night an’ pronounce her wood-tick free.  Now wha’ ‘bou’ you?  Don’ you wanna be pornoun – pronann – declared wood-tick free?”

Man but I love this guy.

“I sure do!” I enthuse.  I look down the street and see the bus is turning the corner.  I pause in my search for my wallet.  I mean, come on, right?  Wood tick inspections aren’t free!  And even if they are, I’m going to want to tip him.  Now what do you suppose one normally tips the Wood Tick Inspector…

The bus pulls up and the doors open.  I step up onto my regular bus, where the driver greets me as he does every morning.  “Beautiful day!”

I smile at him and turn to watch the North American Wood Tick Inspector weave his way away from the bus stop and down Broadway. 

It is a beautiful day.

44 comments:

Joshua said...

So...do you pass the Wood Tick Inspection, too?!

Pearl said...

Joshua, you know, unfortunately, I didn't get the inspection. But I'm willing to bet I would. Hmm. Yes. Yes, I'm pretty sure I would...

Joshua said...

That's what Mom thought, too. Then she found out she had Lyme disease. Tricky little bastards.

Audubon Ron said...

Glad to know you're wood tick free. I was actually going to mention something to you about that but we don't know each other well enough. I mean, it might come off a little too personal.

I'd consider dating you now, well, if I wuddent married and all.

jabblog said...

Oh, my!

Pearl said...

Joshua, ah! Well that's a tick of another color!

Audubon, a clean bill of health AND long-distance clandestine dating! I'm seeing spots before my eyes (and I'm pretty sure they're not wood ticks!)

Pearl said...

jabblog, surely this is offered in your neck of the woods?!

powdergirl said...

The Bikini Inspector was your boyfriend? Shit! I hope we weren't dating him at the same time? What year was this? I'd find it hard to believe that he was two-timing rat, he seemed so sincere...

Pearl said...

powdergirl, was he about this tall? Kinda cute? Big fan of Journey and Night Ranger? :-)

Mary Anne Gruen said...

Bikini Inspector! LOL

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I worked at a bar where other bars would prank call us all the time. Gullible me, I shouted out looking for "George Bush" one night. Yup. The patrons told me, "The President's not here!"

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

He may have been a tad under the influence but, what an imagination.

Pearl said...

Mary Ann, the Bikini Inspector is a valued member of the inspection process...

Green Girl, I would've enjoyed hearing someone looking for "George Bush" at a bar in WI!

Delores, I give him credit just for the humor aspect. Wonder how many drunk chicks pull their shirts up on any given night so he can look for ticks?! :-)

Jinksy said...

Better a Tick Inspector than a Rat Man - hold on, is there a difference?

Pearl said...

Jinksy, I'm not sure if there's a difference, but would love to read the post that outlines it if there is!

Eva Gallant said...

Your posts, the comments, and your replies are always a hoot!

The Jules said...

Are you still allowed to say gullible since it was officially removed from the English language for being too germanic?

Pearl said...

Eva, the comments are the only reason I show up at this joint!

Jules, what now?! It's not bad enough that I may have cooties of some sort, I now have to worry about the germs?!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Snipes are COVERED in wood ticks.

Got any snipes?

Wanna go hunt some with me?

:-D

R. Jacob said...

Hmm
just wondering where does one search for wood ticks? And is this something we look for together?
<<<<>>>>

signed

hopeful

Glen said...

It's rare that I leave gushing comments anywhere on the interweb - so enjoy this while you can.
I really do love the way you write. You really do make me chuckle, you silly, bafoon of a person.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

You clearly have never really faced down a school of Muskie made stronger by their righteous anger. Those are a tough fish to negotiate with and any encounter with them leaves scars.

Shelly (La Tejana) said...

I am the Queen of the Gullibles. I will be on the lookout for tick inspectors...

Crystal Pistol said...

I love playing along with strangers. it's a thrill to lie about something as silly as knowing Lori. But I do it all the time to entertain myself. We really WOULD get along in Real Life...

I actually do know a Lori. She's... well.. you know.... Lori.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Night Ranger?? OMG, you were old school arcade jail bait back in the day.

Bodacious Boomer said...

Years ago for a booth at Mardi Gras we made up laminated tags that said " Mardi Gras Official Boob Inspector". We put them on a set of beads that cost us $0.07 then sold them for $5. We made a killing.

They were super tacky; but we laughed all the way to the bank.

Simply Suthern said...

Brad Paisley Had a song out a while back called "I Wanna Check You For Ticks". It's a love song of course. It oughta be on your playlist.

I did it one time. Without the official Bikini Inspector Tee Shirt. That hurt.

Lo said...

Pearl, you are simply brilliant......always.

It was your blog that made me decide that Erma Bombeck has been not only caught up with, but surpassed.

Lolamouse said...

I could've used the wood tick inspector last week. Both of my dogs were covered in seed ticks and got them all over my house. I guess since I already knew we had them, though, an inspection would've been redundant! Does he do eradication too? Maybe by breathing on them?!!

Lynn said...

Genius. As always!

Vintage Christine said...

I used to be gullible like that, wide-eyed innocent and all. Living in San Francisco sort of spoiled me, though. It's Ground Zero for weirdos like your Tick Inspector!

Linda O'Connell said...

I've been known to buy a few of those fellas breakfast.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

This all reminds me of the country song "I Want to Check You for Ticks." But I suppose I am the only loser here who likes country music.
R Jacob up there cracks me up. Again.

jenny_o said...

My, I do admire someone who knows the difference between a wood tick and a tick that causes Lyme disease. You so smart!

Amber Star said...

Well, Lolamouse got a little tense about the whole tick thing. I guess it is understandable and all. I'd forgotten about that song by Brad Paisley until it was mentioned here.

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

I simply , desperately, hope this is a true story.

W.C.Camp said...

Aside from the alcohol, I still think your boyfriend had the better job as a Bikini Inspector!! Cute story! W.C.C.

Clipped Wings said...

I love your crazy little stories. You have a clever way with a thought.

Jon said...

He should move over here. French women are always taking their tops off ("Pouf! Is not 'ow you say a beeg-deal?") even without the application of a couple of glasses of fabric-loosener.

It's quite disconcerting.

I try and be very English and pretend not to notice. It seems to encourage them.

River said...

Now that I'm catching two buses twice a day, (4 bus rides per day!!), I'm going to have to watch out for those woodtick inspectors...
Good to know your bikini passed inspection.

That Baldy Fella said...

Well, you wouldn't have wanted to be going out with the Unlicenced Bikini Inspector

ipenka said...

I must say the guy is definitely creative!

Wouldn't it be irony though if someone he approached really did have ticks?

Diane said...

Why haven't you been featured on Gullible Magazine's front cover? Yes we have a magazine. And yes, I have been featured. March. You would love it. The articles are especially worthwhile. There is one by I.P. Nightly about the necessities of changing mattresses often. And another by Bob N. Round who really is a bikini inspector. Right here in Alberta. I kid you not. I vaguely remember an article written about a tick inspector named Gull A. Bull, or maybe it was by someone who was simply ticked off. I'll go look it up . . .

Pat said...

I wish I had your sang froid Pearl.