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Friday, September 23, 2011

That Explains Why I've Been Finding Phone Books in the Front Seat, I Suppose

Psst. Come here once. You lookin’ for information? Wondering what’s going to happen this weekend, what you should wear, whether or not you should bring treats? You’ve come to the right place, my friend. Here – hold this – and let’s take a look, shall we? I mean, I don’t know how you found out, but it’s true: my iPod, set on shuffle and played during Friday morning’s commute, tells the future.

No, it’s true!

Shhhh.

Every Day I Love You Less and Less by Kaiser Chiefs
Turkish Song of the Damned by The Pogues
My Mistakes Were Made for You by The Last Shadow Puppets
Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis
And When I Die by Blood, Sweat & Tears
Mass Destruction by Faithless
Earth Intruders by Bjork

Hmm. Someone from the UK – or someone perhaps wielding a trombone or other subversive brass instrument – will enter your life. Ask for a security deposit and check to see if they have a belly button. I don’t like the looks of this.



You know, I’ve been riding the bus on a regular basis – and every now and then on an irregular basis, if ya know what I mean – for almost eight years now. In that time, I’ve fallen down in it, witnessed an indecent exposure, watched the young and the young-at-heart make jackasses out of themselves with nothing but their questionable wits and a pair of headphones. I’ve listened in on whole conversations made up of the words “mah dawg!”, “thazz righ’, thazz righ’” and “what? what you say?!”

But it was yesterday’s ride that opened my eyes.

And now that they’re open…

Here. Sit here, next to me. See how you can look into the cars next to us, look down into them?

Yesterday, I was a passenger on a bus that passed my cat.

She was driving my car.

And here’s the kicker: she didn’t have my permission.

You’ve met Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys), haven’t you? Tiny cat about this big, perky little ears? Has been writing “the good shrimp” on every grocery list I’ve ever made?

That’s the one.

Just look at them!  The car is full of cats! The full contingent of Squeak Toy is in the car – and so are their instruments. Stumpy “Lucky” Strykes sits atop the drums he’s piled up in the back seat, Ignatz D. Katz is lying atop the upright bass that is just as much outside the car as it is inside, and that big cat, the one with the long hair and the yellow eyes – Hairball, they call him – is in the front passenger seat, cradling an electric keyboard in his arms like a baby.

They are laughing, talking, smoking, in my car! Smoking! I stare down, incredulous, as Hairball kisses his piano with more ardor than I like to see during an afternoon commute, and it is at this point that Liza Bean happens to look over…

And look away! I watch as she casually takes another drag off her cigarette and then drop it out the driver’s window. I watch as she looks into her rearview mirror, speaks to the backseat passengers, her little black lips moving almost imperceptibly...

The light changes, and the Honda speeds away.



If you need me, I’ll be at the Peacock Lounge with Pam, drinking, snacking, and wondering if I need to up the insurance on the car…

33 comments:

Sausage Fingers said...

Peacock lounge? is it better than Nyes?

Nessa Roo said...

"Everybody act casual. Nobody look. Maybe she won't notice us..."

Pearl said...

SF, it's the lounge for Erte. Great place with good steaks and a banana cream pie nestled on chocolate ganache and the real whipped cream. :-)

Nessa, exactly! You could practically see the little buggers whistling casually as the car sped off...

Joshua said...

You might want to LoJack that car. I'd up the insurance just in case. What's the premium for a feline driver?

Also, that first song title could portend bad news if someone's having relationship problems.

Shelly said...

Up the insurance now- especially your liability. Those cats are notorious for rear ending other folks-

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Once you leave the house in the morning there is no telling what could be happening. There is another dimension (dementia?) out there completely overrun with cats with drivers licenses. In that one split second that you looked out your bus window the universes collided and you could see into the parellel dementia (dimension?) It wasn't real Pearl...it wasn't real...look deep into my eyes....it.was.not.real.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

What's that you say Liza Bean??? Oh...okay...one more time. Pearl....it.was.not.real.

Audubon Ron said...

Only in Minneapolis will you find a cat driving a car throwing cigarette butts out of the window. Everywhere else they don’t litter. Might want to clue Liza Bean Bitey and her crew.

Leenie said...

There is a Chelsea in NYC too. I say both places should prepare for the imminent crash of space trash.

I want to be where Squeak Toy is jamming tonite. Any suggestions?

Glen said...

I think that when you get to the point of seeing your cat passing in your car when you are on the bus, you are at the stage when you need help. i can give you that help, but I need a security deposit so that I know you are good for paying for it. While you eneter your Pay Pal details I shall play my trumpet

Camille said...

Love the Pogues....what were we talking about? Oh yes, Ms. Liza Bean.

Everyone knows one shouldn't drive without wearing a seatbelt. Make sure she buckles up for safety next time Pearl. And I'm guessing that from where you sat, you couldn't hear the clink of the empty beer bottles as they rolled around in the back seat.

Eva Gallant said...

That sneaky Liza Bean!!!!

Joyful Things said...

I love the Pogues! Makes me want to get into my owners car, smoke cigarettes and thumb my nose at the world! Liza Bean is one smart kitty.

Simply Suthern said...

You gotta be kidding me. After that playlist you are worried about The "Stray Cats"? I'd be watching the sky for a falling satellite.

George said...

At least Liza Bean is female, their insurance rates are lower than tom cats, at least that seems to be the case in my area.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

You tawt you saw a Puddy-tat! You did! You did saw a Puddy-tat!
Sigh. I have to tell you, my Ipod feels so pedestrian next to yours, what with its Skynyrd and Tom Petty and Sheryl Crow.

jenny_o said...

You might want to cut back on those painkillers you've been taking for your fall on the bus yesterday. And just in case that WASN'T a hallucination, up the insurance. Cats are high-risk; they fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

Wow, that was awkward said...

How often do you give permission to your cat to drive? You probably have said no so many times that she did this just to spite you. She easily could have called a cab. She has your credit card after all. I bet they were really going to the strip club. Lots of bad pussy over there too.

Daisy said...

:-D What a shock! Are they heading my way? Should I defrost the salmon? BTW, no smoking allowed at my house.

Douglas said...

You could have called 9-1-1 and reported the car stolen but that only would have meant you would have to pay the bail for the cats and the impound charges for the car.

You can never win with cats.

mrwriteon said...

Definitely look into the insurance thing. Damn cats in their flagrant disregard for you.

ipenka said...

If you drink too much, at least you have a DD!

Jon Paul said...

That was AWESOME!

Where's this place, the Peacock Lounge, agin? :D

Anna Lefler said...

Man, that is JUST like a cat, isn't it?

Frickin' lousy drivers.

;-) A.

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

Oh, God, Pearl, you've left me with tears of laughter again! I love hearing the adventures of Liza Bean Bitey. But this time around, my personal favorite was your description of fellow bus passengers and the excerpts of conversations. So true!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Can you read cat lips?

What was That Darn Cat saying???

R. Jacob said...

I am still waiting for that package from Amazon!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Two words-- Liability Insurance :-)
xo jj

Crystal Pistol said...

And exactly what should I do if I discover they do not, in fact, have a belly button? I met such a person today (as you predicted). I have not done a navel check ... yet...

That cat. She's the best of us, isn't she? :)

Pat said...

That Liza Bean is utterly shameless!

River said...

Definitely up the insurance and demand a cut from all concert profits to cover the petrol costs too. No wonder you're riding the bus, with Liza using up all your petrol while you're sleeping or working....

Diane said...

I'd like to introduce Liza Bean to Aldo Fuzzynose. (Of the Edmonton Fuzzynoses, not to be confused, or even connected to the Calgary Fuzzynoses, who will not be acknowledged in this article. They know why.) I think the two of them would greatly benefit from association. Liza Bean could instruct Aldo FN on the fine art of kitty-cars, and Aldo FN could reciprocate by showing Liza Bean his growing stash of the pawn-able articles partially hidden beneath his bed.

cogidubnus said...

Afraid I'm currently manservant to no fewer than nine cats...aside from mine being on the opposite side of the pond to you, they all take the bus anyway...