I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Maybe It Would be Okay to Take a Nap, or What Could the Cat Possibly Want with the Car?

Goldie Spawn, a goldfish of what can only be assumed to be of a pot-bellied variety, is floating, as she usually does, upside down.

There she is, in the corner there, flat on her spine, a mere mouthful of a fish with the power to make me stop and peer anxiously into the tank.

“Whoops,” I think. “Looks like ol’ Goldie finally –”

And then the little bugger blinks, flips over, and swims coyly to the bottom of the tank, where she no doubt has a good laugh with her little goldfish buddies, Gill Meloche, Lady G’Agua, Cuddy, and, of course, Blanket.

I stop and stare at her at least once a day.

Dammit.

You’d think I’d get used to it, like I do so with so many of the other petty annoyances of this modern life. Whereas my foremothers lugged pails of water up hills and carved homes out of prairie sod with nary a moment for such foolishness as trying to get inside a goldfish’s head, I am confronted with murder mysteries and the tortured musings of transitory plecostomii.

I’m tired.

“Well for heaven’s sake,” says Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys), sipping a gin and tonic, “you can’t possibly compare now and then, can you?”

I shake my head, briefly, wonder if that’s my gin the cat is drinking.

“You work enough,” she purrs from the easy chair, a delicately curved claw moving iridescently melting ice cubes. “Why don’t you go lay down?”

I snort. “Not likely,” I say. “Last time we made that arrangement I woke up to a kitchen full of cats with their paws in the butter.”

Liza Bean’s emerald eyes narrow with pleasure. “Yessssss,” she smiles.

I shake my head again, squint into the tank. Goldie is back up in the corner, on her back as usual, her showy fins moving gently.

“Maybe I will lay down for a bit,” I say, lying back on the couch and closing my eyes. “No visitors, though, okay? For me?”

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) sets her drink down, jumps onto my chest. “You wouldn’t mind if I took the car for a bit, would you?” she hums.

I open my eyes. She’s already holding my car keys.

“Just for a bit,” I say.

“Of course,” she says.

36 comments:

aBroad said...

You make me want a gold fish :)

Andrea said...

Hehe. I love the fish names and your stories.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

A fish that does the back stroke and a cat that drinks gin and drives cars. Pearl, maybe you should stop drinking coffee before you go to bed. No, on second thought, don't. I would miss these delightful stories.

Pearl said...

aBroad, they can be quite endearing. :-)

Andrea, I'm glad!

Delores, I swear it's the change in barometric pressure around here. I can't get enough sleep and the animals are taking advantage of me...

Doubting Thomas said...

If it is coffee that inspires these AWESOME stories, send me a pound of it! :)

I gave up on fish after the kids kept bringing home goldfish from the school carnival. The "Circle of Life" theme got redundant every time we flushed another poor soul. I'll stick to the dog and pet rats, thankyouverymuch :)

lisleman said...

cats come up with curious conversation when they are trying to drink your gin.

Joshua said...

I wonder if Goldie would be taught a lesson if you replace her water with gin.

Oilfield Trash said...

Never a boring time in your home that is for sure.

Camille said...

Take about 5 or 6 frozen peas, chop em up fine and feed to Goldie Spawn. No really, just do it. Moby Dick goes belly up occasionally and the pet store clerks gave me this tip. Something to do with their air bladders (the fish - not the clerks) I can't believe I'm handing out floating fish correction tips. I gotta get a life.

Symdaddy said...

Cats'n'cars!

Now there's a combination that makes me shudder more than a goldfish that plays dead just for a laugh.

Pat said...

It's good to know Lisa Bean is tolerant of the gold fish. There's hope for us all:)

CarrieBoo said...

LOLOLOLOL! Amazing the things we ponder with all this time...

jabblog said...

Do you ever wonder where Liza Bean Bitey goes when she takes the car? and do you think Goldie Spawn has worked out a way to fool the cats? (Difficult, if not impossible, I'd say)

R. Jacob said...

a fish that swims upside down, a cat that like a nip of gin and can drive a car, driving I can understand, reaching the foot pedals? And you give her the keys after how much gin? lol

Leenie said...

Next time she asks for the keys, down a big jolt of caffeine and go along for the ride. THAT should be blog fodder.

Pearl said...

Doubting Thomas, I actually have one large cup of coffee a day, and it takes me all day to drink it!

Lisleman, Oh, the cat’s not trying to drink my booze. She IS drinking my booze!

Joshua, well she does appear to have a sense of humor, doesn’t she…

OT, that’s probably why I’ve been known to take time off just to rearrange the furniture. A little boring sometimes is a good thing.

Camille, oh, so funny! “The fish – not the clerks”. I LOLed at that one. (And I’ll give it a shot!)

Symdaddy, as well it should. You should see all the phonebooks that cat has to sit on to see over the dashboard…

Pat, I agree. In the words of the Right Troubled Rodney King, can’t we all just get along?

CarrieBoo, it’s a little embarrassing, isn’t it?!

Jabblog, I think I’ll have to explore this subject, and soon. I once found a recording of the 1812 Overture in the CD player and TWO scuba suits/tanks in the backseat. I never did get a straight answer out of her regarding what that was about…

R. Jacob, hmm. Good point, although I must point out that that cat can REALLY hold her liquor.

Leenie, hon, that’s a GREAT idea. Jotting down in my book: chopped up peas for the fish, take ride with cat. :-) Can’t wait to see where this goes…

Joyful Things said...

I had neon tetras. They swum to the bottom of the too expensive tank, buried their tiny noses up to the gills and, looking a lot like the Cadillac Ranch display, died. It took me a couple of days to realize they were dead as what fish doesn't go belly up?

Diane said...

I think YOU should drink the gin, pour the coffee in the fish bowl and make the Miss Bitey take the nap. All will be well . . .

Pearl said...

Joyful Things, the visual there was inspiring. :-) Thank you!

Diane, Li'l Liza Bean hasn't missed a nap yet! You can't sit down without that cat making a bed of you...

Kara said...

Hide the butter, throw a towel over the fish tank (out of sight, out of mind, right?) and take that nap.

Pearl said...

Kara, ahh! :-) Don't mind if I do!!

Susan in the Boonies said...

I do. not. trust. that. cat.

Mandy_Fish said...

"Liza Bean’s emerald eyes narrow with pleasure. 'Yessssss,' she smiles."

I love Liza Bean.

Pat Tillett said...

Never a dull moment! In your head anyway. I love your stories. All of them...

aBroad said...

Joyful Things ... my condolences... on the Neon Tetra Mass Suicide.
Was someone different talking to them before this happened ?

Belle said...

I have heard that fish sleep on their backs. I guess Goldie Spawn has a very relaxing life even with cats around. :)

Gigi said...

And this is why we don't have animals of any kind, other than the male human variety, in this house. I don't have time for all the drama!

jenny_o said...

...I open my eyes. She’s already holding my car keys.

“Just for a bit,” I say.

“Of course,” she says...


**Cue dramatic music and get out the ol' abacus to count the ways this could go wrong!

lisleman said...

just stopped back to give you this cat news flash.
Missing Colorado cat shows up in NYC
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/nationnow/2011/09/colorado-cat-missing-for-years-turns-up-in-manhattan.html?track=ct-bizwrap-91511

Clipped Wings said...

Ah...clever Liza Bean Bitey has you carefully wrapped around her paw of razor sharp claws. Zoe would like to meet her to compare notes. Personally I think she wants to know Miss Liza Bean Bitey's secret in being able to escape so easily from the house.

W.C.Camp said...

Uh I was a little nervous for a minute when the fish was on 'its back'!!! Cute story! W.C.C.

Audubon Ron said...

Pearl, goldfish need belly rubs too. You didn't know that?

HermanTurnip said...

A fish named "blanket". *snort*

Why can I not get enough of your cats? Especially Liza Bean. She's like the interesting friend you wish you didn't have, but feel empty without her presence.

Please, sir, I want some more...

Linda O'Connell said...

I have a kid in class who thinks Taco Fish are a species. Your little Goldie is toying with you.

River said...

Just today I was looking at my own (empty) fish tank and wondering where I could set it up.

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

Your pet names are truly inspired, Pearl!