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Monday, September 5, 2011

Everybody's Somebody's Monkey

Let me just step out onto a limb here and say that one thing I think we can all agree on is that what this country needs is a good Chore Monkey.

Tired of scraping your own dishes? Don’t think you should be the one to run to the gas station for cigarettes, even if you’re the one planning to smoke them? Are you thinking that even a monkey would do a better job of painting your toenails than you just did?

See? This is what I’m talking about.

The Chore Monkey.

Sure, sure, I can hear you now. Chore Monkey? Isn’t that why I had kids?

Well, sure it is! But I challenge you to put a four-year-old boy and a four-year-old chimp in a race to the corner store and you tell me which one makes it back first. My money’s on the chimp.

And let’s not even get started with how Child Protective Services views a Chore Baby. Sure, you put a monkey in a pair of painter’s pants and a cap and hang him outside the second floor to clean your windows and it’s cute; but you dress up your toddler like that and let him clean the windows and suddenly there are vehicles equipped with flashing lights and sirens in front of your house.

No, no. Let’s stick with a Chore Monkey. I can make up that weird little room under the stairs, clear a shelf in my fridge – he can even borrow the car as long as he puts gas in it.

And lest you think me unfeeling, I’m offering four weeks’ paid vacation a year. And sick days. And a 401(k) retirement plan.

Wait a minute. I’ve just gotten a very uncomfortable feeling here.

Is it possible that I’m somebody’s monkey?

40 comments:

Susan in the Boonies said...

I can tell you right now: the cats are NOT going to like this.

Eh.

They're cats.

They don't like much anyway, right?

Almost Precious said...

Yeah Pearl, guess we are all somebody's chore monkey. I had children and ended up being THEIR chore monkey for the first 20 to 25 years of their lives ... go figure !

Julianna said...

I maybe someone's chore monkey, but at least I'm not as hairy. :)

jabblog said...

I don't know which I prefer - Chore Monkey or Dogsbody but I do know that either is better than Doormat;-)

R. Jacob said...

I gather you were looking at the things to do list and the whole picture started to get wavy and your voice said "what if I had a chore monkey?" and a monkey wearing a painters hat appeared?

Boom Boom Larew said...

I'm all for chore monkeys... because I'm tired of being one, myself.

Doubting Thomas said...

"A chore monkey in every home!" Sounds like a great campaign pledge to me :) I worry about Liza Bean corrupting said chore monkey, though. Those 15 "smoke breaks" a day really can cut into productivity. And if she teaches him Russian.

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

I'm laughing and chagrined -- loving your concept and reflecting on how many years I was someone's chore monkey!

Vicus Scurra said...

Catch 22 says that anyone crazy enough to imagine a "chore monkey" is not deemed mentally competent to care for one.

darlin said...

LOL, I love this post! The chore monkey years have passed me by now, well unless I go to the farm to visit my about to be ex-bf. I'm tired of being a chore monkey to him, even if he's good to me. He can hire a cleaning lady or get a monkey, I'm at the point I don't care what he does, just do something! It appears you've opened up a can of worms on this end... do monkeys eat worms? ;-)

Eva Gallant said...

Thank you so much for making me laugh today!

injaynesworld said...

Could I have a chore monkey robot? Even less room for error.

Sioux said...

I am certainly somebody's chore monkey--close to it, but at least I don't have to wear a diaper like chimps do.

Hey, wait a minute. At my present stage of life, I do experience a bit of minor incontinence...And my face has gotten decidedly more hairy.

Oh, nooo! I AM a chore monkey!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I have an imaginary houseboy instead. Although maybe HE should have a chore monkey.

Leenie said...

Oh, sure you'll lend the car that's held together with duct tape and paper clips anytime to the cat AND the monkey. But wait til you win that convertible with the leather seats and the mag wheels. Then you'll only let them use it in November when it's too cold to go far, yet not too slick to slide.

Casey Freeland said...

I'm my kids' monkey. Time to turn that around I think. I wonder if I gave them my ID they could bring home beer?

Cheers,

Casey

Glen said...

I'm guessing there are special websites where men will be faling overthemeselves to volunteer - personally I'm too busy training my kids to occasionally put something away. Not everything you understand, I'm not unreasonable, I would never expect them to put away every single piece of crap that they spend every waking hour of the day finding and carting down to our lounge - just something. Anything. One thing - that's all I ask

jenny_o said...

I'm so picky about how things are done I have to be my own Chore Monkey. It gets a bit tricky when I don't do a proper job of things, though. I once put myself on probation for a month. Longest month I ever spent, lounging around in the cat hair dust balls and eating microwave dinners ... it was nice to get back to work ...

Pat said...

I'm the chore monkey in my house, too, but I'm mostly a goofing-off chore monkey. I'm a chore monkey with an attitude.

I just ordered your book and I can't wait till it arrives!

Consciously Sedated said...

Hmmm? You're onto something. Where can I get one?

Argent said...

I could use one of those! Husbands don't cut it in the chore department, even if they're as hairy.

Russ said...

Hell, four weeks paid vacation, 401(k), plus sick days, I'll sign up! I'm the chore monkey around here and I don't get any of those perks.

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

I keep telling Hubby he needs an endentured servant/slave. Now "chore monkey" sounds soooo much better, politically correct and all that.
Rosemary

Happy Frog and I said...

I like the idea of having everything done for me but know it will never happen. In my imagination though I would probably have a Chore Chimp purely because I have a love of alliteration.

The Jules said...

I could be a Chore Monkey. If scratching one's arse and eating Nutella on muffins are classed as chores.

The Elephant's Child said...

All these wasted years when I wanted a wife (every girl should have one), and now I discover I need a chore monkey instead.

Gigi said...

Now tell me, Pearl...just how do you go about finding one of these Chore Monkeys? I have a need for at least two. One to take care of the house and all it's minor details and another to deal with all the college paperwork that is threatening to smother me.

Obviously, I'm too busy to handle the aforementioned details since I am The Man's Chore Monkey every day from 8:00 am till 5:00 pm.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I find I can usually defend myself against a four year old trying to rip my face off like all helper monkies will eventually. Any creature that can pick things up with it's toes or wears flip flops is not for me. Nothing personal of course. I just have to draw the line somewhere.

Belle said...

I'd rather have a handsome male robot. I wouldn't have to feed him or potty train him. He might be useful for other things than chores too.

HermanTurnip said...

You're right. Kids are the modern equivalent to Chore Monkeys. The way I figure it, I have another 7-8 years to wait until Tyler can properly reach the sink and safely push the lawn mower before I can officially delegate those tasks to him.

Bodacious Boomer said...

If you can't get yourself a chore monkey just get a house elf. They do the same thing and smell better too.

River said...

Babe; we're ALL somebody's Chore Monkey!
Well maybe the guy earning the $401K isn't...

Jon said...

Me no monkey! I am however:

- The Washing Up Pixie
- The Bin Fairy
- The Guinea Pig Feeding Gnome
- The Mysterious Spirit Who Turns Out All The Lights The Kids Have Left On.

the walking man said...

Husband = Carnivore Chore Monkey

That Baldy Fella said...

If they're flying monkeys, I'm in.

Audubon Ron said...

'round yere, the Chore Monkey is referred to as a Ron 1000 - a lean, mean, cleaning machine.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Belly laughing. Primates ARE smarter than young children. I gol-darn-guarantee that.
Freaking child welfare services--they don't let you kennel the children either.

Jhon Baker said...

I want a chore orangutang named Clyde.

24 Corners said...

We're all somebody's monkey.... ;)
xo J~

Pat said...

Well only if he's house trained.