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Friday, August 5, 2011

You Don't Have An Extra Mil, Do Ya?

Well, look at us! All fresh-faced and alert on a Friday! What an attractive group we are!

But we knew that.

But what about the stuff we don’t know? What about the weekend? If only we had a clue, some sort of indication as to what we can expect, how we should dress, how much shredded cheddar we’ll need…

But we do! We do have a clue! It’s in my iPod! The iPod: my commuting comrade, my ambulatory oracle!

O Mighty iPod, what does the morning’s shuffle say about the weekend?

Pardon Me by The Blow
Smiling Faces Sometimes by The Undisputed Truth
Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ by Michael Jackson
AFK by Pinback
Dance Like a Monkey by New York Dolls
I Would Never Wanna Be Young Again by Gogol Bordello
Message of Love by The Pretenders

Well I think that speaks for itself, doesn’t it? Do you see what I see? That we’ll be meeting at my house and covering the outside of my car with buttons and bottle caps?

Bring your hot glue gun!

And shoot, I know I’ve said it before; but if you could spare it, I could really use a million dollars.

First thing on the list to buy with that mil? Electric fencing around the house, the kind people use on dogs, only for people. I’m thinking a little acid in the drinking water oughta hold the little buggers still until I can get those shock collars around their necks...

Anybody know where I can get some acid? E-mail me. Put the words “Dave’s Not Here, Man” in the subject line.

The next thing I want to get with my million?

My own bus.

The bus this morning, a bus almost a full hour later than the one I usually take, was just downright low-class. Hard to imagine, iddin it?, a bus with low-class characters on it? I found it hard to believe myself. Frankly, who would’ve thought they’d be awake so early in the morning? But there they were, off, if the vocalizations this morning were any indication, to some sort of Baggy-Pantsed Hollering Competition.

Things are looking loud for the 'hood this year – I like our chances.

I’m gonna hold out on buying the shirt until they make it past the Incoherent and Inappropriately Proud prelims, though. Don’t want to end up like last year. My 2009 Shoutin’ and Poutin’ jersey is just embarrassing.

Next thing I want to get? A professional hair brusher. Not a hair brush – a hair brusher. He can stand behind me at my desk and brush and/or braid my hair.

Wait. No. That’s a little self-indulgent, don’t you think?

OK. So it’s between a professional hair brusher and a full-time toady. I haven’t quite decided. I’ve never had my own toady, and I think it’s about time.

You look very nice today, Pearl. Are you losing weight?

Maybe I can get a hair-brushing toady?

So let’s see: electric fencing plus enough collars for my neighborhood, enough acid to get said collars on said neighbors, my own bus, and a hair brusher and/or full-time toady.

The rest I’ll put into mutual funds. Or lottery tickets. Whichever seems more lucrative.

28 comments:

who said...

but Pearl, I swear on my mother's life, my name's really not Dave.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I'd like a whole bushel of those animal repelling, solar powered little high pitched sound thingies to keep the neighbours dogs off my property. Hey...I wonder if they would work on squirrels?
I've never had a toadie either, maybe we could go halvsies on one?

Pearl said...

who, Dave's not home, man!

Delores, I would gladly split a toadie with you. :-)

Eva Gallant said...

Some days I feel like I AM a toady!

Bossy Betty said...

Got my glue gun ready! Heck, I have TWO of them!

De Campo said...

So where would an aspiring toady submit a application?

This army thing is getting old...

mapstew said...

What's a toadie? :¬)

xxx

Pearl said...

Eva, I have a hard time picturing that!

Bossy, I suspected you might. :-) Bring your extra buttons!

De Campo, applications are taken daily right here aat my desk. Bring bing cherries and be prepared to tell me how this color of blue brings out my eyes. :-)

map, :-) Taking your question at face value, I will say that a toadie is the kowtowing lackeythat will balance my checkbook (yes I still use a checkbook), be continually astounded by how very clever I am and insiste that, even falling down drunk that I'm quite adorable. :-) In other words, a combination of a servant and a liar. :-)

Susan in the Boonies said...

My plan (when you loan me one of YOUR millions, from the several that will undoubtedly be offered to you) is to hire my own masseuse/masseur. On call. 24/7.

I NEED that!

Leslie said...

You know...I think I DO have an extra mil. Let me go rummage in the bottom of my purse a minute. BRB...

Audubon Ron said...

I was just reviewing my lottery numbers as I was reading your post. BTW, Pearl babe, never change, yo hawt woman, I'm actually a pretty good toadie when I'm not cleaning cat litter.

My lottery is up to 160 mil so I thought I'd brush off my numbers and get them to work. I don't want to use up my good numbers unless the purse is over 150 mil. It just isn't worth it.

Whoa, did I say you look mavaluuus? You, You, You, no, You.

jenny_o said...

Dear Ms Pearl, I would like to apply for the job of brushing your hair. As the owner of two cats, one of whom is long-haired, I feel sure I am qualified for this position. Can provide references, provided you talk Mraow. P. S. Can provide own brush. P. P. S. You pay good, right? Being a millionaire and all. P. P. P. S. I'll even throw in the odd compliment but my hair-braiding skills will suffer, but that's okay, right, as long as it's a good compliment?

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Wait, if you get a mil you're still going to work? A mil just ain't what it used to be!

Vapid Vixen said...

I would pay to ride around with you in your hot glue gunned car. But not a million. Probably like $17.

Douglas said...

I am applying for the position of chauffeur for the limo you actually want instead of that bus. I am unqualified for toady due to my incredible respect for the truth and my unfortunate inability to keep my mouth shut. This has cost me one job and one wife over the years, neither of which I actually miss.

Linda O'Connell said...

Those low class passengers are just hangers on. Bottle caps? We don;t even have those anymore.

Macy said...

Your iPod's working!!! Your iPod's working!!! And there was me all worried about it melting in last week's rainstorm.
I think it's still crap at predictions though..

Gigi said...

I think I would skip the electric fence and just buy a small, isolated island somewhere....with a cabana boy who will do my bidding and flatter me endlessly.

Belle said...

I would love to have someone hanging around giving me compliments! Sounds good for my self-esteem.

Daisy said...

I think more than one toady...maybe one for each day of the week so you don't get bored?

ellen abbott said...

A hair brusher. I could get into that. You know all those royalty back then had hair brushers. I could be royalty.

Leenie said...

I AM a hair brushing toady. But I work full time for Thomas the cat. But I can glue bottle caps when he sleeps and he sleeps a lot.

Pat said...

My ideal sum used to be 100k. Come to think of it - I wouldn't say no.

Tempo said...

Have I ever mentioned that I love your words Pearl?... another great post

River said...

If I had a million, I'd buy a house in the middle of nowhere, so there'd be no need for the electric fence etc. And I'd get a hair-brusher who also did scalp massages.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Your check is in the mail, my dear. You know I'm good for it. Just share your acid stash with me.

Joshua said...

If you need help with all those scratch off Lottery ticket, let me know. I'll only ask for 2% of the winnings.

Sarah Has Moxie said...

Come on now...Shoutin' and Poutin' wasn't all that bad, was it? Had to be better than 2010 Frontin' and Gruntin'.....