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Thursday, August 18, 2011

When You Have Snatched the Pebble from my Hand, Grasshopper…

The double-wide cubicle in which my work-day body resides is no longer mine alone.

As I mentioned to the receptionist: there go the sleepovers.

Welcome to the silly end of the 48th floor.

They’ve parked an intern in my space, you see, just over there, an earnest fellow with a hopeful expression and sensible shoes.

I have promised Marketing that I will try not to interfere with his view of corporate America.

I have until January to keep this promise.

Look at him over there, diligently working. I don’t often turn around to see what he is doing, but the clack-clack-clack of the keyboard is both encouraging and depressing. Having worked in an office since the Eisenhower Administration (in which I proudly served!), I know youthful exuberance when I hear it.

Shh. Do you think he is listening in on my phone calls?

Shall I test him?

It hasn’t rung, but I pick up my phone anyway. If he’s paying attention, it will be his clue.

I secretly root for Intern Boy.

“Yes, this is her,” I say.

Pause.

“No, no, pretty good, actually,” I say. “I really should be wearing my face mask – risk of contagion and all that – but so far no one’s said anything.”

Pause.

I laugh. “Sure it itches,” I say. “I mean, you don’t get something like this without experiencing the itching. I even had to get rid of my old headset. I think they moved it to the desk next to me…”

Pause.

“What’s that? No, no,” furtive glance toward Intern Boy inserted here. “I’m sure he’ll be fine. He looks pretty robust to me. But I’ll keep an eye on him.”

Pause.

“No problem. Sure. We’ll talk again if the seizures return. OK. Bye-bye.”

I hang up, trying to wipe the grin off my face. I glance over at Intern Boy.

Earbuds from his iPod firmly in place, he is checking his FaceBook page.

Intern Boy: one. Pearl: zero.

56 comments:

Shelly said...

Ha!!!!

haphazardlife said...

Pearl will get intern boy. Yep.

Pearl said...

Shelly, do you think he's playing with me? :-) I hope so.

Haphazardlife, that's the plan. :-) Too many fresh-out-of-school types take themselves too seriously, don't you think?

That gentleman's lady said...

Awww.... poor intern boy's got it coming soon.....

Leenie said...

Poor intern!!! Hope he's up to the challenge of The Pearl Cubicle.

When they gave me an intern I took it as my way to escape. I taught him enough to survive and jumped ship. Best thing that ever happened.

aBroad said...

LOL, love it, needed this, love you ... C

Bossy Betty said...

You'll get this child whipped into shape soon.

Pearl said...

I do feel it's best that he be stripped of illusions as soon as possible. :-)

Join usssssssss....

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I don't know Pearl..you may have met your match.

Leauxra said...

You are now my new hero.

KaLynn ("MiMi") said...

Priceless!! I have a strange feeling life as he once knew it is....gone! Make his world rock and spin! You go girl!!

SparkleFarkle said...

Look a smitch closer, that's my Facebook page he
reading!

Courtney said...

Who is this intern boy? Is he adorable? Send him my way when you think you've traumatized him enough :-)

Saimi said...

I'm going with Intern Boy! My son just got hired by a company that had him interning during his last semester of college.

By the way, Intern Boy will need a good role model such as yourself!

jenny_o said...

We used to call these peons. The test of their funny bone was how soon they started referring to themselves that way.

Pearl WILL get the peon. It's just a matter of time.

Doubting Thomas said...

He will come to the dark side... I'm sure you can train him in the ways of being a "lert" ;)

Besides, every cubicle-dweller of your status needs a minion! Who better to start with!

Douglas said...

Ah, the memories this invoked... the gentle (and usually not so gentle) hazing of the rookie. He will survive (he appears to already know how... what with the earbuds and all) to move on to a position where it will be his turn to haze a rookie.

And he will have you to thank.

Sarah Has Moxie said...

Isn't there a special day coming up next week where everyone at the office comes in as their favorite Star Wars character? Couldn't you create a memo about it that ONLY he receives....ahem.... :)

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Pssst! Hey you! Intern boy! C'mon over here. I wanna tell you something about Ms. Pearl that I think you may wanna know. Yeah, see, she's sick. She's real sick. Perhaps in more ways than you could imagine.

:) You're welcome.

SeaD said...

Oh Pearl, I must borrow that "double-wide cubicle line". Cracked me right up.

Pat said...

You'd have made a a great spy - back in the forties.

George said...

Hopefully he learns from you and gets into the cynical mode right away.

Audubon Ron said...

Intern Boy is cooked.

powdergirl said...

I LOL'ed from the title to the end : )

My money's on you Pearl. Intern Boy, you've crossed the Rubicon.

fishducky said...

Just a short comment because I have to run & change my panties. I laughed so hard I think I might have soiled myself!

Simply Suthern said...

Not a fan of the earbuds in the workplace. Aside from screwing up a perfectly good ruse it tends to make them bob their head, play drums and air guitar.

Then again you can always claim you DID mention there WERE free doughnuts in the breakroom.

Susan in the Boonies said...

My kids foil me like that all. the. time.

Stinks, doesn't it?

:-D

You are so NAUGHTY!!!

XXX OOO

insomnia said...

You are funny. Love this!I want to try this!

Elle Strauss said...

I love your voice--you made me laugh. Thanks.

Karen said...

I have a feeling he will be well trained by the time you finish with him! Go Pearl!

savannah said...

really? earbuds at work? i am old. my money's on YOU, sugar. xoxoxo

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Of course he is checking his Facebook page. Aren't we all? He's doing it on a company computer, though, and not his phone. Dummy.

Mamma has spoken said...

Ear buds and facebook, that combination would so get me fired. Guess that's why the higher ups have the internet set so that I can't get on it.

Crystal Pistol said...

I rarely trust folks who wear sensible shoes...

Also, I disagree with your last line here. Pearl:One Intern Boy: Zero.

Unless he is messing with you. I hope with all my tender feelings he is messing with you... but I doubt it... because of the shoes.

Gigi said...

You have a double-wide cubicle?! I'm sooooo jealous. Mine's just a single-wide.

I have a feeling Intern Boy is going to learn a lot!

The Elephant's Child said...

I am guessing he is Generation Y who take self absorption to a whole new level. Poor boy, what he is missing out on.

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! Look out Intern Boy! Pearl is gonna' get you!

Belle said...

Keep trying. Hilarious!

Elizabeth Rose Stanton said...

Heh, heh, heh... I love it! My daughter tells me ear-buds-in means: don't talk to me (so be sure to bug him when he's plugged in). I like your blog--and thanks for visiting mine! :)

Sioux said...

I have found that talk of menstrual cramps or floppy, droopy body parts will make a young man turn tail and run.

Try it. You might be able to get rid of Intern-Boy.

Making It Work Mom said...

Ha! Those youngsters! I always wonder what it takes to be an intern in an office. It is not exciting and you get paid little or nothing.

Really who has that stamina and the enthusiasm for that?

HermanTurnip said...

It's the ones who wear corduroy, listen to Steely Dan, or wear sensible shoes that you have to keep an eye on. You'll never know what nefarious ideas they're slowly working on behind those horn-rimed glasses...

Shrinky said...

I feel afraid for this poor lad, VERY afraid, he has absolutely NO idea what's coming, has he? (Snicker..)

Tempo said...

Nice to see that Americans are not that different to Aussies... The game is 'lets take the piss out of the new guy'. My first day at my apprenticeship had me going from business to business in our block looking for a 'long weight'. ..and yes, I got a long wait...

River said...

Ha Ha!! Although I hope he can hear his own phone through the earbuds...

Hospitable Scots Bachelor said...

Go on Pearl, get in there and interfere. You know you want to!

Glen said...

so you have corrupted him faster than you thought...

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Damn. He missed your brilliant scheme!

Tom G. said...

There is nothing more rewarding in my job, than getting the chance to work with young, energetic, idealistic young people, and shatter all of their illusions.

I'm thinking of putting a sign on my door "Tom G. - Providing needles for your balloons since 1990."

Jess said...

I need to get me one of those there interns. I live to fuck with people! No to be confused with fucking people, cause that would just make me a whore. Or popular. Or something. Eh.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! He's a spy, in it for "the long game". Prepare to receive your cards on the basis of a yeah of research, as he moves smugly into your still-warm seat. Kill him now, I say. Discrete, down an elevator shaft. You have skills. Indigo x

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Ah yes but like you said, you have till JANUARY to uh....ejamacate him. :)

Lola said...

Wow! This was hilarious. Glad I don't have interns any more. -Lola from Lolarati and Buddhatropolis

Anonymous said...

I hope that the next time you pick up the phone, you say "this is SHE." Maybe Intern Boy will learn something, too.

Shelly - Tropical Mum said...

Sorely disappointed. Was hoping that you were going to look over at his look of horror at overhearing your conversation. You'll have to try harder next time. :)

Kate said...

First time reader, I like!
I think if I called someone robust HR would insist I sit down with them for another "talk".