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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

When I See the Newbies, I Feel the Urge to Stock Up on Ones…

Welcome everyone, and thank you for taking time out of your busy day to join us. Today’s topic comes from HR, so let’s quickly just turn this over to our Vice President of Human Resources, a man whose door is always open and whose attorney is on retainer, Dirk Hardly.

Dirk?

Thanks, Randolph.

You know, we here at Acme Grommets and Napkins take pride in the leading global role we have taken in the grommet and napkin solutions arena, and like it or not, the impression we make with our physical appearance matters.

The relaxed nature of our work, and of our office attire, can lead to misunderstandings in the work place.

We ask, as we have in the past, that you exercise good judgment in work attire. Look at yourself in the mirror before you leave for work, and ask the question: “Am I business appropriate?”

I refer, of course, to the newest members of our happy corporate family.

Bless their hearts, it appears that some of them have not heard the word “no” yet.

While I and so many of my generation appreciate the eagerness with which our fledgling employees approach the work place, the see-through nature of some of the tops, the shortness of the skirts, and the flip-flop-flip-flop-ness of their footwear has reached the point where we must now talk about it.

So let’s talk about what some of you are wearing to work.

I, for one, appreciate a little skin in the work place – if I’m in the front row and you are a pole dancer. And while some of you appear to be ill-equipped and entirely oblivious to both the state of your body and the clothing with which you’ve chosen to drape it, please believe me when I tell you: It don’t look so good. The chest/arm/neck tattoos? You were poorly advised and it pains me to tell you so. The mini-skirt? Not only do you not have the thighs for that particular spotlight but the cleaning crew is complaining about the state of your chair. And the cleavage? Let us not speak of your overly exposed cleavage. I don’t have the stomach for it.

The same could be said about the number of sweat pants, shorts, and strapless tops that have made their distracting way into the work place. I, too, was once young and understand the allure of the all-night parties and the effort that must be put into the odd blurred and hung-over workday. Word to the wise: a fresh change of clothes kept in your car or your locker at work, a traveling toothbrush, and no one’s the wiser.

That one’s a freebie.

So! In short, if what you’ve worn to work is also suitable for wearing at a beach, a night club, or to clean out the garage, do us a favor and re-think your career strategy.

Questions? Retorts? Threats of legal action?

Human Resources is here for you.

56 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I've said it before. If you are upwardly mobile and dreaming of that CEO job it might be wise to get rid of the nose ring, dye out the pink stripe in your hair, and wear enough clothing to at least get you off Yonge Street at midnight. Just sayin' you know?

Pearl said...

Delores, but then how in the world will they express their individuality?! :-)

Kev D. said...

"... the cleaning crew is complaining about the state of your chair"

Oh man... that's filthy. AND HILARIOUS.

Great post.

Audubon Ron said...

I don't know on this one Pearl. I do some of my best work around T&A. But that's me.

I'm all, hey, if you want to show it to me, whip it out.

I never met a boob I didn't like. Well, there was this one with one eyeball...

R. Jacob said...

If you are good looking, sweat pants and a sweat shirt are appropriate. That was my excuse anyway...

Pearl said...

Kev, I wondered about that line, but it came from an organic place and -- aw. I just wanted to be a little dirty. :-)

Audubon Ron, I like that. :-) I don't have a problem with bodies (or boobs) in general, but it's hard to take someone seriously when their wearing an electric blue bra under a gauzy white top...

Pearl said...

R., I thought that was more grocery store attire?! :-)

Joshua said...

Pretty much everyone here is wearing scrubs. No real cleavage or uncovered areas to speak of. Plenty of VPL though. It's only a problem on a case-by-case basis.

Linda O'Connell said...

Our school superintendent's rule for teachers, NO MORE CRACKS: wise, breast or butt.

Pearl said...

Oh, no. Joshua. "VPL"? Do I dare ask what that is?!

Audubon Ron said...

Pearl, I understand, but the rules in my cubicle are: I'm the most serious person on this planet so go ahead and walk around naked for all I care, I'm taking over this company...and Dirk, is going down. :)

Pearl said...

Linda, I like that!! And honestly, did you ever think there would be a day -- outside of your mechanic or your plumber -- that you'd see butt crack in the work place?!

Joshua said...

Visible Panty Line

That gentleman's lady said...

Ah damn, you mean I have to throw out my ENTIRE wardrobe? Damn you Pearl.....

Pearl said...

Audubon, 1. admirable! and 2. re: Dirk? Astute!!

Pearl said...

Joshua, I am using that yet today. You see if I don't find a way to fit that into a conversation...

That gentleman's lady, there's always the weekend! :-)

Shelly (La Tejana) said...

I;ve dressed like a straight laced teacher for so long that it would be hard for me to translate that into what's appropriate for business dress, but I do think younger people these days have a much more relaxed view of what's OK to wear than what my generation had at their age. (Gosh, that makes me sound old.)

Pearl said...

Shelly, I've worked in the court system so have more skirts, jackets, and dresses than most of the people I know. Not to mention that my mother has always dressed rather lady-like/fashionably so I'm kind of trying to be like her, I think...

Sausage Fingers said...

I feel for the cleaning crew, they don't get paid enought...nasty.
I wish I grew up in the age when men wore hats.

Right now I am close to naked luckily I am self employed and only have to deal with the scorn of the wife. It is hot down here so can you give me the name of the cleaning crew, I might need my chair sanitized or replaced..
Sausage...

Pearl said...

SF, I'm a big proponent of nudity in the home. Carry on, sir!

Leenie said...

Pole dancers,Yes. Vpls, No, pls.

Simply Suthern said...

I aint never seen the like of cracks in all my life. Makes one wish to drop a cold quarter in there. I am all for the low waisted paints to move north a bit.

Low cut tops? I'll suffer thru it.

Pat said...

I'm just so thankful the bare midriff seems to have died the death - over here anyway. Adipose tissue bulging twixt bra and skirt is not pretty and can give you a chill on your kidneys.

Pearl said...

Leenie, FYI only, I just received a 70% off "e" coupon for pole dancing lessons. Really. :-)

Simply, I swear I need to get just a little older and then I'm just going to walk up to every single droopy-drawered kid out there and whisper, "Son, your pants are falling down"...

Pat, now THAT was funny. :-)

Sausage Fingers said...

Pearl - I am in the office:)

haphazardlife said...

Our interns dress surprisingly well - is it that they're future engineers and thus total nerds?

Who will, no doubt eventually take over the world..

Vintage Christine said...

I am soooo glad I'm no longer in the corporate workplace these days--back when I was there we could be much more expressive with our garments. Plus I was in San Francisco so right there you know we were different. Now I have so many tattoos on both arms (and elsewhere) that I'd never get hired--once I started getting them below the elbow I knew I wouldn't be working in the "straight" world much longer. THANK GOD!!!

powdergirl said...

OMG. And why is it that half the women working as tellers in BANKS no less, have taken to dressing up like prostitutes? I shit you not, its happening right here in my tiny town and I'm actually quite freaked out about it. Its bad enough when you see them in the dimly lit bank building, but when they run out for lunch, oy vey, the cosmetics carry the theme...

Its really quite unattractive : /

jenny_o said...

If the spirit ever moves you, Pearl, I would love to see your treatment of thongs. Especially as they show over the top of low cut pants. On a young waitress in the catering business. With an older crowd. Maybe most of them thought the poor girl had shredded her panties when she put them on (like pantihose used to shred, when people wore pantihose). Maybe that topic is a tad too specific to give you creative room to write; okay, then, thongs in general :)

Great post: so funny, so true.

Susan in the Boonies said...

In other words: "Y'all quit runnin' 'round nekkid as jaybirds. Ain't chew got the sense that God gave a goose? Git dressed!"

George said...

I would have never thought about the chair of someone wearing a miniskirt. Thanks.

Eva Gallant said...

About 20 years ago, I was working in an office and our supervisor told the young ones: "I don't want to see cleavage of any kind and I don't want to see pubic hair." I swear one girl wore her stretch pants so tight you could see the pubes through the fabric. Gross!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Yup, I have so been there. At my last corporate job the number of interns or fresh from college new hires who'd come in wearing flip flops and tiny dresses was astounding. Same with midriff tops and giant hooker heels and tube tops. Insane! Also, someone needs to tell some of them that the whole thongs above the waistline of your pants thing? SO OVER. Along with your tramp stamp.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Don't these hipsters know to save their slutty clothes for Casual Friday? Or as I call it, Dress Inappropriately Friday?

Pearl said...

SF, I just may smile the rest of the day...

haphazard, we've got that end of the spectrum as well. But the ones who DON'T dress for work make up for them if only with the confused/disturbed look on the faces of the older workers!

Vintage, I think you're right. Once the tattoos are readily visible, it does change the job market. We don't honestly have too many here, but I have friends who have gone out of their way to position their tats so as to be able to cover them when needed. The YOGA studio -- now THERE's where the tattoos come out to play!

powdergirl, we have that here as well, and I don't understand the attraction either...

jenny_o, good idea. :-) Inspiration is everywhere!!

Susan, and ya know? It's usually kinda COLD in here! If your legs are turning blue at work, you're not wearing enough...

George, that thought occurred to me at a rather upscale restaurant here in Minneapolis a while back when I noticed two girls whose skirts did not actually cover their butts climb off their respective bar stools. I was sober for days...

Eva, no one wants to see pubic hair at work. Or maybe I should rephrase that: I don't want to work anywhere where I see pubic hair...

Pearl said...

Vegetable Assassin, :-) The thong-above-the-waist thing on pants has always amused me. When did emulating hookers become a goal?

Dawn, maybe we could just incorporate Tramp Thursday? Because I'm already an advocate of Naked Wednesdays (although I'm gonna have to look into having my Naked Wednesday suit ironed...)

Belle said...

Very funny and I totally agree. :)

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

This reminds me of SOOOO many tales from the workplace that I should write about! Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day :)

SherilinR said...

oh my gosh, i've been in clubs and other unsavory places where an uber-short skirt led to a disgusting moist spot on the chair when the girl stood up. it's enough to give me a case of the shuddering yucks and the strength to keep standing. cuz who wants to sit on that juicy patch?

Pearl said...

Belle, glad you liked it!

Meg, inspiration is everywhere!

Sherilin, I'm always amazed... Why would anyone want to wander around with no underwear on? Someone said, well, it gets hot, and I thought, aren't you actually going to be hotter and yes, stickier, without undies? I mean, yes, yes, everyone's terribly sexy and all but for cryin' out loud, cover it up!

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Oh, I am never going to feel comfortable sitting in a chair in public ever again! EEEWWWW!
I work in the court system. I am amazed at some of the young "professionals" who wear short skirts, no hose, flip-flops, golf shirts, cargo pants, etc. I only began to wear slacks in the past 5 years. Some of the Judges kick people out of court for their clothes, or hold them in contempt. You could go to jail for that t-shirt, boy!

The Elephant's Child said...

The open door style reminded me soo much of my father. He had a boss who said that this was his management style but lied. So father went into work on the weekend and removed said door (and brought it home and installed it, complete with name plate) in his workshop.
Thanks for the memories Pearl. Not so much for the pictures of clothing your words conjured. Ewww.

Gigi said...

Can you ask Dirk to send a copy of his speech over to our VP of HR? I would pay good money to watch some of those lines come out of his mouth.

Amber Star said...

Oh Pearl,
You are a woman after my heart...well, at least you think the way we were brought up to think about how we dress. Casual Friday, when I was working four years ago, was highly starched jeans with highly starched shirts and boots for men and the optional Justin's or loafers for women to go along with all the starched jeans and shirts. You should have seen it around the Stock Show times. Oh Lordy...everyone was a cowboy.

Wow, that was awkward said...

As a biz owner, I concur with HR. As a dude, I say HR can go stuff it.

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

Thanks for your nice comments on my blog, Pearl, and for the fun HR tale that sounds so true to life! I'm truly amazed at what some people are wearing to work these days. When I first started work -- at 'TEEN Magazine, for heaven's sake -- we had to wear dresses, hose and heels to work except for the last day of the month when we took the magazine to the printer's. Then we could wear tailored slacks and flats. No jeans or flip flops ever! I'm glad dress codes have relaxed over the years, but some people have no sense. Pajama bottoms and flip flops -- please!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

"I, for one, appreciate a little skin in the work place – if I’m in the front row and you are a pole dancer." <--That's a gem, Pearl.

I like Dirk. I'm tired of cracks.

xoRobyn

Douglas said...

Now I understand why I never became CEO of AT&T... T-shirt and jeans (generally clean) and hair down to my shoulder blades probably didn't impress anyone important.

Crystal Pistol said...

Maybe we aught to implement "Pole Dancing Friday". Ya know... just to get it out of the system.... It seems only fair.

vanilla said...

Very funny; and yet. Is it not truly sad that we as a society have reached such a pass?

HermanTurnip said...

Can I still wear my tangerine spandex speedos while in my cubicle?

Casey Freeland said...

It's up to the bosses. I manage a crew. I tell them what to wear. They wear it. When I hire someone new they know what I expect them to wear. If they didn't I would reprimand, then discipline. But they do.

It's totally and completely up to the bosses.

Terrific post, by the way. :) I almost always read your stuff, but haven't commented in a while. (Like you need any more commenters!)

Cheers,

Casey

darlin said...

Not only the workplace Pearl, it appalls me to take my niece to school and see what the kids today are wearing. There's very little left to the imagination and these nasty habits of showing off things that we didn't even dare talk about when I was a child are carried on into the workplace. I say it starts at home, parents should really monitor what their children are wearing, the schools should enforce their dress codes, and staff dressed inappropriately should be sent home without pay for the day.

You bet I have issues with teenagers showing off cleavage, thighs, etc., I have a 16 year old niece living with me and my sister allows her guilt to buy this young lady whatever she wants. The niece can't wear half the things my sister buys her to school because I flat out refuse to let her. Now if she were a stripper the clothing would be appropriate, but she's a high school student.

Sigh... what is this world coming to?

Russ said...

It has always amazed me what passed for work clothes. For better or worse, I've been out of the game for too long. My parents beat what is proper into me too well and now all I do is shake my head at these people who don't know how to dress professionally. Although I guess it all depends on what profession they aspire to. My dad always said to dress for the job you want, not the one you have.

IndigoWrath said...

How do they feel about candy-stripd spandex leotards? Not ME, you understand. I'm just asking. Erm.

Pat Tillett said...

You are so right.
I mean really, just because a person would wear an outfit to Walmart, it doesn't mean they should wear it to work. Or anywhere for that matter....