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Monday, August 8, 2011

What I Did Around 3:30 Sunday Afternoon, or Two Hours Before the Cat Took My Money

Mid-afternoon. A pile of clean laundry looms before me. Maybe if I stare at it for a long time –

“What’th goin’ on?”

Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers, AKA Dahli Gee, AKA Get Down Kitty, steps into the room. A long-haired Siamese/Tabby mix, she regards me with brilliantly blue, slightly crossed, eyes.

“Nothing much,” I say.

“You wanna play cardth?”

There is a slight pause. “Sure,” I say.

We step into the kitchen.

Dolly takes her usual chair, picks up a deck of cards.

They’ve been sitting on a pack of Kools.

I give her a look.

“Three a day,” she says, frowning, a mixture of apology and defiance. “I get three a day.”

“Sure,” I say again.

“Oh, don’t you bother with that none,” she says. There is an ashtray in the shape of Itasca County, Headwaters of the Mississippi, in the center of the table. She moves it to one side, resumes the rapid card-shuffling she’s been doing since she removed them from the top of the cigarettes.

She collects ashtrays, you know.

That cat must have 20, 30 of them.

I asked her about it once.

“Well, then I can remember the day I bought it,” she had said, carefully – Dolly was teased mercilessly as a kitten for her lisp, and she chooses her words, time and temperament permitting, so as to avoid the use of the “s” – “I can remember the day: the weather, the people, the area. Not to mention they add clath to the room, don’t you think?”

Dolly Gee stops shuffling, leans forward toward her cigarettes, stops mid-reach. She looks at me, shakes her head. “Hmmm,” she says.

“Having a hard time sticking to the three-a-day?”

She continues to shake her head. "I make a lot of unintended movemenths," she says, "I can tell you that much.”

Dolly Gee places the deck in the center of the table.

“Cut to deal?”

35 comments:

Oilfield Trash said...

I once knew someone who collected ashtrays. Ironically she also collected cats as well.

Pearl said...

OT, suddenly, a chill enters the room... :-)

jabblog said...

Gambling (I assume it was gambling) and smoking - tut, tut! Alcohol, too??

R. Jacob said...

Not unlike the dogs playing poker on velvet, watch out for the hidden cards in the other paws!

Pearl said...

Never play cards with the cat. :-)

powdergirl said...

I feel for Dolly Gee, I make a lot of unintended movements too. This is not to say I'm incontinent, you understand, I'm just impulsive.

Eva Gallant said...

Was it Texas Hold 'em or Black Jack?

Camille said...

I'm a Scat player myself. Of course poor Dolly Gee wouldn't be able to say it without a lisp...so it must be gin rummey you were playing - or perhaps drinking.

Daisy said...

I'm tharting to read with a lithp! I hope Dolly Gee ithn't tempting you re: thmoking.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

We never encouraged our cats to sit at the table let alone smoke in the kitchen. We did have one that thought WE shouldn't be allowed in the house. Litterly!

Pearl said...

Eva, it was Texas Hold 'em, and I stink at cards. Of course, I should've thought about that before I sat down...

Camille, oh, and of course it didn't help that there were gin and tonics involved -- as there ALWAYS are when there are cats about...

Daisy, nope!! Still no cigareets for me!

Delores, We've told her a dozen times, but brains aren't Dolly's strong point. THen again, she did just take all my money, didn't she...

Brian Miller said...

what a kool cat she sounds like...bet she has some interesting ash trays too...better watch it though sounds like she might be a shark at cards...

GYPSYWOMAN said...

yeth, a cooleth cat for sureth! ;)

Leenie said...

Good of you to be the support for Dahli Gee in her habits. Maybe she should reciprocate with a little slack on the Texas Hold 'em. Hope your stepping back from the butts is going well.

Thomas never picked up the smoking habit, he's more of a gourmet of fine foods. Plus he has speed bump down to a fine art.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl!

"I make a lot of unintended movemenths"

Lovely, and so true. As a dieter, I frequently find myself inexplicably in front of the fridge, despite the fact I've just eaten.

And no, never play cards with a cat. Or badgers: http://bit.ly/mxyvj3

Indigo x

Mandy_Fish said...

My husband has a slight lisp (usually only evident when he's tired) but he would kill me if I wrote his dialogue that way.

I imagine Dolly Gee "Get Down Kitty" does not know about your blog.

Pearl said...

Brian, I'm afraid Dolly has one of those faces that you just never suspect until it's too late...

Gypsy, I can't help but wonder at her plans for the winnings.

Leenie, does Thomas lay on his back? :-) Dolly's quite the little speed bump herself!

Mandy, you know, in ways, I'm kind of sorry I ever gave Dolly that lisp and have worried that it would come across as disrespectful. It's never been intended that way. Luckily, outside of the chatter at the birds,she rarely speaks English and so I have the option of not having her speak at all. And no. :-) Dolly Gee doesn't know about the blog. I'm sure Liza Bean would never tell her...

Pat Tillett said...

I learned a long time ago to never play cards with a cat. It is much too easy for them to mark the cards...
Great potht!

Joshua said...

Cat's got more willpower than I. Though my vice is Red Bull and chocolate.

jenny_o said...

The only thing more annoying than a cigar-smoking dog (or so I've heard) is a cigarette-smoking cat who cleans you out.

Pearl said...

Pat, thanks!

Joshua, Red Bull and cats. Now there's a thought. And the only time I ever see chocolate in the paws of the cats is when Liza Bean is luring me out to the porch so that she can rifle through my purse for the car keys...

Jenny_o, it's quite un-nerving, watching a cat smoke...

mrwriteon said...

Is it difficult to smoke cigarettes minus opposable thumbs? Just wondering.

Bossy Betty said...

Oh. I've played cards with cats for years. We play for nip.

Pearl said...

mrwriteon, it's not hard to smoke them, but it can be a challenge to light them..

Bossy, :-) That's all I got there: :-)

Bodacious Boomer said...

And that's why I don't have cats. I can't afford their nicotine habit.

Jimmy said...

Wonderfully insane...

Pearl said...

Bodacious, not to mention the online shopping...

Jimmy, there's a whole 'nother world in my head, you know. :-)

Jhon Baker said...

You got stones girl, I would never play cards against a cat - money or no on the table, And I never buy ashtrays as there is always a spare can around or a flowerpot without a flower.

Meeling said...

Great post!! I think I might just take up cards...but not against a cat. I collect ashtrays...hmmmm what does that say about me????

ps...thanks for popping by!

nursemyra said...

Cats with opposable thumbs are dangerous

Mamma has spoken said...

Those poor cats, better watch out, you'll have the humane society after you,or PETA.

Gigi said...

No, I think Liza-Bean will keep the blog-secret safe....unless it is to her advantage NOT to keep it safe; if you know what I mean.

HermanTurnip said...

""I make a lot of unintended movemenths," she says, "I can tell you that much.”"

That's the same excuse I use when a beer mysteriously finds it's way into my hands.

Shelly said...

Never trust a card playing cat, especially one who smokes-

the walking man said...

See that's why you need a dog, they are not going to bother you by taking your money. Pat them on the head and they will just give you theirs but then you have to buy them a dime bag of weed.