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Sunday, August 14, 2011

Let's Not Bicker and Argue Over Who Blistered Who

Because ongoing information regarding my footwear is intriguing no matter who you are, I am compelled to update you on my new shoes.

You know the ones. The ones that only recently replaced Leftie and Stompie.

Ah. Leftie and Stompie. Now those were good shoes: up-and-coming shoes, forthright shoes, the kind of shoes that would trot you down a city street just as fast as you cared to go. Those shoes not only knew when to keep their mouths shut but had excellent credit scores and a good head for baseball stats.

Those shoes once saved a drowning child.

But the new ones? They’ve been bitterly disappointing.

The Traitors, as I’ve come to think of them, were comfy in the store. Lovely suede loafers. Best of all, they were an incredible 70% off the retail price.

Seventy percent off!

Who amongst us can resist a $14 pair of shoes?

I put them on, trod the carpeted aisles of the DSW. I pretended to run for the bus, held up an arm and yelled “Wait! Wait!” I pretended to sidestep a wad of gum on the street. I went one way, imagined I had forgotten something and quickly went the other way. I did a quick Charleston.

So far, so good.

But really, with shoes? How can you know?

You can’t; and The Traitors revealed themselves to be untrustworthy, blister-causing turncoats on their first wearing.

Oh, sure, they were my friends in the store, weren’t they? “Buy me! I go with everything! I’m 70% off!”

Foolish mortal.

They bit me, those shoes, again and again. Within blocks of my house, I was in trouble. By the time I had reached the bus stop, my heels were in tears. Why had I forsaken them?

The blisters formed. The left one tore open. Unflattering opinions were shouted, blame firmly placed on my skinflint shoulders. My feet declared me to be a menace to working soles everywhere and plans were drawn up by the left one to leave the lower legs and strike out on their own.

So I’ve done what any normal person would do. I’ve dug Leftie and Stompie out of the garbage can (where they sat, patiently, in the box of the new ones).

They’ve been reinstated.

The Traitors have been contained in their original box and isolated, left to think about what they’ve done. They’ll be going back to the store from whence they came.

And that brings us up-to-date regarding my footwear. Tune in again tomorrow when I relate a story about a jacket button that needs replacing.

*sigh*

I got a million of ‘em.

38 comments:

Susan in the Boonies said...

I wore a pair of HIGH heeled espadrilles out to a club the other night to listen to bluegrass.

Yes, it's a culture clash.

But the Big Bison told me I was rockin' them high heeled thangs.

The next day, the top of my right foot is all tender and morose. It bends unforgivingly.

In short, my dogs is barkin'.

They WILL get back at you, feet done wrong.

They will have their say.

Passive aggressive little grape stompers.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Cheap shoes don't cut it. Go cheap on slacks, your legs won't care...go cheap on bra's the girls will get over it...but NEVER NEVER go cheap on shoes. Your feet will hold a grudge for the rest of your joint lives. Seeing as how you need them to get to the bus stop, down the aisle and over to the next jewellery sale....you had best treat them right.

the walking man said...

What are these things you speak of? ....Shoes? I have no Idea of them.

Camille said...

Don't you just hate it when new shoes turn out to be total bastards? That's right Pearl - you march those miserable and cheap little losers back where they belong - up on the shelf, marked down another 10% and just waiting for the next sucker to come along.

powdergirl said...

Of topic Pearly, I hadn't realized how dependent I'd become on your punctuality. Your blog didn't load into my reader this morning, at precisely 7:00 AM. I was horrified! I thought OMG! If Pearls not publishing punctually, the day of reckoning is surely upon us! Whats happening...where am I...is it all over for my beautiful, beautiful planet??? Sob!

But then I came over, and here you are with a riveting tale of loss and redemption. Whew!

Alls right with the world again : )

Oh. And "Hi" to Stompie and Leftie, long may they cushion your feet in blister-free comfort and speed. Prost!

ellen abbott said...

You know I truly do not get the whole shoe fetish thing. I hate shoes, I hate buying shoes. They are all menaces. They all turn on me once I get them home.

Argent said...

I can relate. I got some trainers that liked to toy with me. They gave me the usual settling-in present of blisters then became comfortable. A few months later, more blisters, followed by further comfort. It's like they were two different pairs of trainers (they weren't, I checked). In the end, they had to go. Untrustworthy, unreliable little gits.

Bossy Betty said...

OUCH! I got a pair of perfectly innocent looking shoes the other day and they turned out to be made by SATAN himself.

That Baldy Fella said...

Shoes are a work of the purest evil and must be stopped (yeah, I've got awkward sized feet)

Scarlet Blue said...

I hope this doesn't mean that you're going to start wearing Crocs?
Sx

alwaysinthebackrow said...

As the feet go, so goes your life. Bad shoes, bad day. Cheap shoes, cheap life......Oh, sorry!

But I want to know about socks. Socks being eaten by shoes. You put on a perfectly good pair of socks, and over the course of the day, the heels of those shoes are chomping at the innocent socks,over and over. Those poor socks end up crouching in fear way down at your toes, desperately trying to avoid being totally devoured. A horror show in progress down there during a quiet walk down the hall.

Jon said...

There's a life lesson here, and I think it is this: only wear new shoes for two hours at a time for the first week. That might just be me, but I have a history of buying and successfully managing cheap shoes.

KaLynn ("MiMi") said...

I have gotten rid of so many shoes because of their lying ability in the store! I could be a millionaire, well almost, if it weren't for bad shoes! I did find a couple of pairs of Clarks that are absolutely wonderful! I'm lucky because I get to wear jeans every day so I don't have to sport the dressy ones. Though the way these puppies feel I'd almost wear them with a dress..........

Macy said...

Yeah, you have to train all new shoes. First you wear them round the house, then you wear them round the block a couple of times, then you wear them somewhere you'll be mainly sitting.

For boots double the timings.

IndigoWrath said...

hey Pearl! I salute the likes of Leftie and Stompie. We shall not see their like again. Indigo x

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

I hate shoes like that. Tease you with their fabulous looks, their 70% off sticker. Then they stab you in the feet, repeatedly. Sumbitches.

Drake Sigar said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwPkAUBr4Sc&feature=related

Just imagine these your shoes.

Barbara Blundell said...

Why not butter them up until they think they're Goody Twoshoes ? They could turn over a new foot and revert to their former appealing, comfortable selves. If you did a good job they might even transmute and become ruby red slippers ---then you could pay us a flying visit for afternoon tea with thin cucumber sandwiches (on brown of course ) petit fours and tiny meringues washed down with Earl Grey tea served in egg shell china cups .

R. Jacob said...

High heels always give me blisters!

Linda O'Connell said...

Oh, if only I could live in my summer flip flops, but civillized teachers wear shoes in this part of the world. My feet will be screaming soon too.

Eva Gallant said...

My mother was frugal to a fault; she would not spend a dime on that which she could buy for a nickel. But with shoes, she dropped the frugality. "Eva," she told me, "when your feet hurt, you hurt all over. Don't ever scrimp when you buy shoes!" She was a wise woman, God rest her soul.

Kevin Musgrove said...

I've been wearing the current pair of shoes for three years now. They're falling to bits but the memory of having to rinse the blood out of my socks prevents me wanting to break in a new pair.

The Jules said...

Keep wearing the Traitors.

Eventually, your foot skin will be so thick and grizzled, you won't need to wear shoes at all and you'll be a couple of inches taller.

Then you'll think it was 14 of your funny little dollars well spent.

jabblog said...

Trainers work for me. They don't look good with cocktail dresses but how many cocktails do I drink (in public!)??
Smart shoes are for sitting down events . . .

lisleman said...

I had to take my shoes off reading this.
"good head for baseball stats" - never know when that will come it handy.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Those dirty little tricksters, Pearl! Making you believe in their comfort, their nurturing and all so they could eat your heels.

Oh the humanity!

jenny_o said...

I dread shoe-buying. It rarely ends in success. When I do find footwear to fit, I wear them until they are holey.

Can't wait for the jacket button story. Everyone knows they have to be tied down or they disappear forever, and that comes right after you've cut off the replacement from the hem because it kept snagging on your scarf. And there is never one in the button box to match.

Bouncin' Barb said...

You're the only one I know who could bring a pair of shoes to life by giving them names and making them out to be heroes!!! Great post.

HermanTurnip said...

Oddly enough, the same thing occurs when us athletes who have to wear protective cups. I think it has something to do with not being able to try them on before you buy...

Leslie said...

Damn. I hate that.

fishducky said...

I agree with ELLEN ABBOTT! I hate shoes & never wear them unless it's absolutely necessary. I have been known to host dinner parties with fine china & crystal & bare feet. When my kids were little & saw me putting shoes on they'd ask where I was going!

Tempo said...

Back when I first started riding bikes I got into a discussion with a friend about the cost of motorcycle helmets. He seemed to thing I should buy an expensive one which I didn't want to do. He summed it up by asking how much I thought my head was actually worth to me.
So, Pearl, How much are your feet worth to you?

River said...

The problem lies with that deceitful shoe store carpeting. It's been specially designed to make even corrugated iron sandals feel heavenly....until you walk on a real surface, such as a road or hard flooring.
Can you return shoes that have had blisters bleed into them?

Deborah said...

You have a delightful brain! :o)

vanilla said...

I hate new shoes.

Pat Tillett said...

And now we know why those shoes were so darn cheap! I wonder if there was any blister oozing juice in the shoe, from the last person that was enticed and then also returned them to the store. What I'm trying to say, is that you just might need a tetnus shot...

Little Miss Sarcastic said...

Another wonderful post, Pearl.

I love buying new shoes. But alas having feet flatter than a boat deck, heels and the like are out. So I tend to stick to ballet flats, High-tops and the occasional pair of boots, that not only look good but take care of my feet.

Because we walk on 'those puppies', they deserve to be spoiled with well fitted, comfortable shoes.

Audubon Ron said...

Let's Not Bicker and Argue Over Who Blistered Who

Okay, but you realize this means no make-up sex.