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Monday, August 22, 2011

And Now, a Word from Your Human Resources Department

Hello, and welcome to Acme Napkins and Grommets’ Quarterly State of the Business Meeting.

We here at Acme Grommets and Napkins appreciate the dedication and loyalty you’ve shown lo these past three years. The current economic downturn has been hard on all of us; and we value both your commitment to the firm and your willingness to embrace pay rates first considered “livable” during the Industrial Revolution. I, personally, have been forced to not only cut the delivery of fresh flowers for the executive lavatories to once a week but to limit the champagne at the executive box seats at the opera to domestic only.

But we all make sacrifices, don’t we?

And frankly, that’s what today’s meeting is all about: sacrifices. Because if you’re like me – and I can see by the intense looks of unrestrained interest on your faces that you are – you will want to know how you fit in, how you can help keep this particular boat afloat as we navigate the rapids of rising costs and falling wages and how you can ensure that you and your loved ones keep a roof over your head and shoes on your feet.

It is at this point that I turn the microphone over to Dirk Hardly, VP of HR. Dirk?

Thanks, Bob. I’m here today to talk to our team members about the importance of staying positive and staying employed. As many of you know, there are plenty of opportunities available outside of Acme Grommets and Napkins for those interested in such diverse categories as curbside drug distribution, the adult entertainment industry, and whatever they’re calling those guys that stand at intersections holding the “Going Out of Business, Everything 70% Off” signs we see so often these days.

The truth is that we’re just one big family here at Acme Napkins and Grommets. Why, I started here at the same time as Pearl over there. As a matter of fact, we sat next to each other in orientation. And yet look at us! We don’t speak, we’ve never had a meal together. And that’s because we’re a family; and I am the one with the good job, the one with a child in a private school and six weeks of vacation while Pearl? Pearl is the one you call when you need something typed quickly, isn’t that right, Pearl? Ha ha. That Pearl. You can just tell by the look on her face what a sense of humor she has.

So where does that leave us? Frankly, I’m not sure. And that’s because families often don’t know what will happen next, do they? The world is a mystery. And yet you love your family, you stick with them, no matter what. Through the easy times and the hard times – but especially the hard times – we stick together, because how would we replace you? Would we put an ad in Monster? Or would we contract out to temps?

As I said, the world is a mystery.

And with that flippant and thinly veiled threat, we’ll close this meeting with HR’s motto: Who Ya Gonna Complain To?

Thanks for attending, everyone. Now let’s get out there and be productive.

34 comments:

Shelly said...

Arghh!!!This is too true to life for me to even make a joke about it!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

That's only funny AFTER you've retired. And since that's where I am......it was hilarious.

R. Jacob said...

Are you sure you don't work in retail with me?

That Janie Girl said...

I SO get this.

Jinksy said...

Seems to true for comfort, to me...

Jinksy said...

Or rather TOO true - I've hit my mid-afternoon brain slump, due to lack of sleep...Maybe I should go find some zzzzz's...

Silver Strands said...

Hey - I didn't know they all use the same script!?! How'd you get ahold of that?

jenny_o said...

I am so glad I work for a small business with great bosses. There is none of this malarkey. My condolences to those who put up with it every day.

Leenie said...

A good survival tool you probably already know and use to the max.

Easier to obtain forgiveness than permission.

"I'm sorry I didn't KNOW that was not company policy; not allowed," etc. Let your intern in on it if he survives a week or two of The Cubicle of Pearl.

Stephanie Faris said...

Snicker. Oh, and you forgot the part where we're all SUPPOSED to feel like we're "just lucky to have jobs," and therefore will work for scraps and be THANKFUL about it.

Audubon Ron said...

What you should do is look ole Dirk in the eyes and say, "Not funny Dirk."

What I know you will do is fall on your hands and knees and grovel while wiping your tears on his pant cuffs and slobbering all over his Kenneth Cole's yelling, "No! Not me!!!"

Eva Gallant said...

As another retiree, I found that to be really funny, but I do feel bad for those who are still trying to keep their job s and make a living!

mrwriteon said...

Damn, that's all I needed to start my week, a %$#@** board meeting.

aBroad said...

We don't have Curbside Drug Distribution here ... it is Park Bench Distrubution mostly .. I am sure there are plenty of Back Alley distributions also :(

Tom G. said...

I got my eye on a prime freeway off ramp, but am still torn on my strategic business plan. Do I go with the disingenuous heart string puller "Disabled Vet", or try the more basic "Homeless, will work for food".

Oh the things they didn't teach us in college...

nsiyer said...

I am from HR, Pearl. I have always kept my employees' interests foremost in my mind while taking decisions. Striaght from the heart, this comes.
So how have you been doing?

Susan in the Boonies said...

Sign spinners. They call them sign spinners.

And they're all going to need workman's comp some day for skin cancer.

misskatej89 said...

are you hiding in my office recording conversations?

Fragrant Liar said...

Yeah, I think I was in that meeting a few times before. It replays itself across the country with a little too much enthusiasm, you ask me.

The Elephant's Child said...

Loved the 'family' link. It sounded like some of my fathers threatening 'pep' talks.

Lisa said...

I worked for a really small outfit and instead of speeches, you got invited into the boss' office where he sat with a witness staff member. When you got pulled in a for an unplanned "meeting" you knew your number was up.

After reading this, I'm a little glad that my career death was quick. Not without pain, just quick.

P.S. This is great satire.

Joyful Things said...

I am sure you have the verbal retort arsenal stocked for that oh so wonderful day when you get to tell them exactly how you feel. Good luck with the lottery - that's what I'm counting on.....

Bodacious Boomer said...

Isn't Acme the company that the coyote went to for his supplies?

Alistair said...

Your appointment with HR is 09.30am Thurs. room 666.

Please don't be late.

Kind regards,
HR Support.
India.

Gigi said...

Yes, it IS a mystery, isn't it? *sigh*

Jules said...

Once again I thought I'd be in my cube working hard, so sorry I dressed down. Was there an email regarding this meeting? :)
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

Mamma has spoken said...

You missed the part about how one should want to do it for free because it's whats best for the company.
Yea, I'm tired of their stupid pep talks too....

Clipped Wings said...

What a terrible post, hahaha. So true that I don't know if one should laugh or cry.

Lolamouse said...

I think if the boss is suffering with domestic champagne, then the least the rest of us can do is turn a few tricks or sell some meth on the side to bring in a little money in hard times.

signed,
not your boss

Muffy Willowbrook said...

Too real to be comfortable!

Antares Cryptos said...

LOL. This is great.
I think all fields attended the new strategies meeting.

Timothy Bowen said...

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Pat said...

Maybe it's time for a divorce.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You nail the cluelessness so nicely.