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Friday, July 15, 2011

Welcome to Employee Appreciation Day!

Despite mid-week indications to the contrary, Friday has finally arrived.

And now that the weekend's practically a shoe-in, what the heck do we do with it?

If only we had a suspicion, some small inkling…

And here is where we are in luck my friend, because my iPod, set on “shuffle” and played on my Friday morning commute, sees all, tells most.

Shhhh. Listen.

When My Baby’s Beside Me by Big Star
Rollerskate Jam by Plantlife
Cult of Personality by Living Color
D is for Dangerous by Arctic Monkeys
Brimful of Asha by Cornershop
The Crunge by Led Zeppelin
Stormbringer by Deep Purple
I Got Mine by The Black Keys

Ah-ha! And there you have it. Have that weird thing on your car checked out, listen for lies, and don’t forget to tip your waitresses and bartenders.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting to attend. Hey -- why don't you come along? There are so many new people here no one will notice... Shhh...



Thanks for joining us, if everyone would have a seat...

Hi. Randolph T. Freakly, head of HR here. As you know, we here at Acme Grommets and Sprockets are dedicated, absolutely dedicated!, to the health and wellbeing of our employees, a conviction that’s helped us stand fast in the light of requests for raises (think of the stress of possibly entering another tax bracket!) and time off (what? and risk you getting hurt out there? not on our sweet bippy!).

It’s come to our attention recently that it’s been a long time since we had a little get-together. As a matter of fact, outside of the recent melee outside of Pearl’s cube – you need a liquor license to sell margaritas out of your desk, Pearl! – we can’t remember the last time we all had a little fun.

Well all that’s about to change. Ladies and gentlemen, consider yourself funnified, because today, from 11:00 to 1:00 – that’s right! over your lunch hours! – we’ll be getting together for a little time away from our desks, a way for us to not only show you just how much we care but also a way to allow several local vendors the opportunity to practice their sales pitches.

Welcome to Employee Appreciation Day!

What will we have on hand?

What won’t we have?!

How’s about this, Little Miss Skeptical? Have you been thinking of joining a gym? Well here’s your chance to meet with an actual fitness center representative! Witness a man in tight shorts wearing a pedometer! Hear his speech on pecs and deltoids. Consider having your body-fat index measured in a room full of your peers! Ponder the actual binding contracts available!

Don’t think! Act!

No?

What about this? How does five minutes with a chiropractic practitioner sound? Huh? Huh? Have a seat in the funny chair, rest your forehead on the recently alcohol-swabbed padding and let Dr. Whozat knead your aching muscles in an entirely work-appropriate manner. Hear his spiel, make an appointment – it’s all happening right here at work!

No?

I’m sorry – what’s that you say? You’re looking for a makeover halfway through your workday and don’t feel like walking the quarter-block to Macy’s? We’ll have a genuine Mary Kay rep on hand! Come ready with the names and addresses of 15 of your friends and relatives and be entered into a drawing for a free tote bag!

So stop on by the 48th floor where there will be people selling you stuff under the guise of “appreciation”. Come early and take advantage of the coupons for area Subway Sandwich Shops and fun-sized Snickers (one per employee, please).

It’s all free and it’s all happening courtesy of your friends in Human Resources, where our doors are open, our hearts are in the right places, and our lawyers are on retainer.

Human Resources: Who loves ya, baby?

30 comments:

Tom G. said...

Ugh. We have vendors set up in our cafeteria all the time hawking their crap. We also have blood drives on a near weekly basis. Now I'm all for supporting the blood bank, but getting emails twice a week from the CEO encouraging us to donate blood is just crossing a line. I've always believe we should try to keep our bodily fluids to ourselves at work. Or on the bus.

Pearl said...

:-) Fabulous. I, too, believe that fluids should be kept to one's self.

jenny_o said...

Long ago and far away, approximately when "The Bump" was done on dance floors, I briefly considered making HR my life's work. It was the lesser evil of all the "business" possibilities I had before me, or so I thought. Then I remembered I wasn't all that outgoing, and changed gears.

Today I remember that change of plans and give thanks. Unfortunately, all the other people who should have also reconsidered apparently did not. And because I am a Canadian, I will now apologize on their behalf :)

Pearl said...

jenny_o, 1. The Bump! oh, come over here so I can hug you!! and 2. LOVE the apology, O Good Neighbor to the North.

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, Pearl, you crack me up! Good one!

One thing about being retired is I can have myself a margarita any old time!

CarrieBoo said...

*shudder* Somewhere in the back of my brain is poking me... 'bring your own plate and cutlery (Oliver) and come line up for an hour to receive your allotted bagel'... *buke!*

"work-appropriate manner" LOLOL! Brilliant stuff, Pearl. Love it. (P.S. Arctic Monkey's! Yeah!)

Leauxra said...

Wow, we just get a weekly visit from the blood bank and the "shoes on wheels" guy who sells static free shoes or something. Oh, and around Christmas, they let all the employees hock their weird crafts in the cafeteria.

BUT. We have an actual fun party day coming up. NOT put on by HR. There's beer, and a climbing wall. And yeah, I don't get much work done.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

dried sandwiches and pickles and a few cans of assorted juices and pops.....a tray of cookies in the meeting...and a wellness fair in the lobby. Whoopee..big fun.

Simply Suthern said...

I'd like to complain cause, well, Thats what I do best, but they treat us pretty good here.

I do remember at a previous employer however, to celebrate 1 million hours of no lost time accidents they passed out a fun size ZERO bar. What kinda fun is it to have to open 6 dang fun size bars to make a healthy size one? One could get carpal funnel or something serious. Of course we had to open the ones for the guys sitting it the health room recovering from injuries drawing pay so they would count as still on the job.

Pearl said...

I'm still boggled -- I mean, I don't mind the odd blood drive or craft sale, but would it kill 'em to throw a free lunch at us quarterly? I would think the looks of bewildered gratitude on our faces would be enough to keep the execs in self-satisfaction until the next one...

Oilfield Trash said...

I am not feeling your iPod's selections today.

And we used to have a massage therapist come in to our office. And I was the only one who would use her services. So she quit coming around for just one person.

jabblog said...

If they give a free lunch they might have to cut back on perks for themselves. Charity begins at home - and that's where it stays.

Hospitable Scots Bachelor said...

Hello Pearl,
I've done a lot of different jobs too inc. greeting card verse writer and sandwich boardman (they paid me in sandwiches, I think)
Stay in touch. Us "vagabonds" should stick together.
John x.

Pearl said...

OT, wait patiently, grasshoppa. All will be revealed. :-) Also, while I rail against a five-minute massage, I am first in line for one that will go an hour...

Pearl said...

jabblog, I'm afraid you've hit the nail on the head!

Hello, John! I don't mind being partially paid in food -- if I'm serving it -- but to be paid with vendor spiels? Gets my hackles up! :-)

R. Jacob said...

As Liza Bean would say , "That story was cativating!"

Russ said...

Funny, I thought employee appreciation day came twice a month on Fridays. It's call payday!

Sausage Fingers said...

At my office we had a massage therapist come in, I asked for the "Happy Ending"
The judge went easy on me as a first offender.
The restraining order is for 1 year.
I am self employed.
My wife works with me.
She is looking at me now.
The massage lady lives on my street.
I take the long way home.
I like to drink.
Cheers, Sausage...

Pearl said...

Russ, I call that "hush money"!

SF, this sort of comment is why we are friends. :-)

Kara said...

Is attendance manditory for Employee Appreciation Day? Because I'd much rather hang out by your cube and enjoy one of those margaritas!

Belle said...

Don't you just love corporations?

Joyful Things said...

Employee appreciation lunches are offered at our little business. The boss make us bring the food. We get 30 minutes and he tries to take home any leftovers. Last time only one person brought something - a can of tuna - he hasn't suggested employee appreciation lunch since.

Sausage Fingers said...

someday I hope to regularly amuse you :)

kal said...

HA HA HA...this one made me laugh big. We would have these book sellers put out there wares in the teacher's staffroom. By the end of the week half the display was mysteriously missing by the time the rep came to gather the orders. WHAT? It was on the table which is universal teacher code for 'it's up for grabs'.

W.C.Camp said...

Yeah just what I need somebody to pinch my fat with all my friends watching - oh wait they already do that now but LAUGH!!! Cute post! W.C.C.

Gigi said...

They figure they pay us and that should be appreciation enough. And since I actually worked for a company that DIDN'T pay us for a couple of months I am kind of grateful.

Andrew said...

Someone was seriously trying to sell knife sets at my work a couple weeks ago....
Everyone was openly mocking her.

Cool playlist, by the way!

ThreeOldKeys said...

A company I worked for did the whole "vendors up and down the hall" thing ... why were they surprised ...?... that everyone lined up at the Aflac table to get a free duck .. "free" for listening to the sales talk.

Alas, I could not pay the price.

Susan in the Boonies said...

The largesse!!! One fun size Snickers bar?

No...really...it's too much....

Not when I can just sit at my desk and Snicker for free...

Lola said...

Haha. This was hilarious. When I worked at an office, we always had stupid meetings and any type of employee appreciation was a little lame.