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Monday, July 11, 2011

One Adam Twelve, One Adam Twelve; or I’m Sorry, the Cat Wants What Now?

The cat lies in the shaded cool of the ferns, her eyes dreamily half-lidded. An hysteria of sparrows, commuting from one yard to the next, pass overhead, just feet from curved-claw death.

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) yawns elaborately, a show of white teeth and curled, pink tongue.

“Silly birds,” she pronounces.

Liza Bean blinks lazily against the dappled sunshine, a study in nonchalance.

Apropos of nothing and seemingly directed into the air: “Will the car be available this evening?”

I set my book down, stare at her until she meets my eye.

She is smiling. Times are tough, and her habit of returning the car with a full tank of gas does not go unnoticed.

And she has noticed this.

“Why?”

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) rolls on to her side, stretches luxuriously; and, in what all the world would perceive to be a casual manner, licks the inside elbow of an extended front leg.

“Why,” she repeats, the word rolling around in her mouth. “A child’s question,” she pronounces.

I sigh. “What time do you need it,” I deadpan.

She smiles. “Ten-ish?”

“Ten-ish?” It’s my turn to repeat. “That’s a little late, don’t you think, for a Sunday night?”

Liza Bean first widens – then narrows – her eyes. “Such manners,” she murmurs.

“Fine,” I say, retrieving my book, first-hand narratives from the Great Age of sailing. “Don’t wake me when you come back.”

She smiles. “Mmm,” she says, in a tone of voice to which I cannot ascribe an emotion.

Liza Bean stands, stretches, sticking one hind leg out stiffly behind her, then the other. “You know,” she says thoughtfully, “it’s been ages since we had a drink together. You busy after work Monday? Outside of yoga?”

I shake my head in the negative. “What do you have in mind?”

“Welllll,” she says, “I’ve not been to Psycho Suzi’s since they moved it to the river. I hear delightful things.” She pauses. “My treat.”

Now it is my turn to widen, then narrow, my eyes.

Liza Bean holds up a paw. “I’ll hear no more about it,” she says with a small, dismissive wave. “After yoga it is.”

Hmm.

If anyone is looking for me later, I’ll be at the bar.

With a cat.

41 comments:

jabblog said...

Liza Bean Bitey has you just where she wants you - nothing new in the feline world there, then;-)

Mamma has spoken said...

Can't help but wonder how Lia Bean Bitey has been earning her money?

Sausage Fingers said...

Gives new meaning the the idea of chasing tail at at a bar....who to choose Pearl or Liza???
what are we drinking?

Simply Suthern said...

Everyone slides down one stool each way as the slight murmurs turn louder. Thats the crazy cat lady.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Gin and tonic is good for hairball. Liza Bean Bitey has an evil, mysterious side (oh wait, that's the whole cat). Bottoms up.

Glen said...

I'm guessing that makes you the 'responsible driver' then :-) cunning

jenny_o said...

Did you by any chance write the copy for Psycho Suzi's website, Pearl? Such a similar sense of humour! In any case, it's highly entertaining :)

And when you consider your date? appointment? rendez-vous? with Liza Bean, aren't you a tiny bit trepidatious?

haphazardlife said...

Liza Bean is a cat after my own heart.

Pearl said...

I must admit that having a drink with the cat is a mixed bag. On the one hand, her stories -- while catty, of course -- are highly amusing. On the other hand, you're going to want to count the bail money before you leave the house. A couple of G&Ts in her and all discretion goes out the window.

Jinksy said...

A sophisticat, no less..

Shelly said...

This gave me a really great laugh this morning!

Pat Tillett said...

A woman walks into a bar with a cat on her head. She sits down and the bartender says "you know you have a cat on your head right?" She says "of course I do! I always wear this cat on Mondays." The bartender then says "today is Tuesday" shocked the woman says, "its tuesday? I must look like a complete fool!"

Pearl said...

:-) You guys are funny, you know that?

Oh, and Pat? I'll be using that later in the day. :-)

IndigoWrath said...

Pearl, I love this...

[“Why,” she repeats, the word rolling around in her mouth. “A child’s question,” she pronounces.]

Very cat-like. Sometimes, I'm grateful the badgers say so little. Indigo x

R. Jacob said...

It is way past the time for a mysterious mongrel to make an appearance at the door!

Oilfield Trash said...

Hilarious.

Joyful Things said...

I think I would like Psycho Suzi's - cat or no cat.

Leenie said...

You've got cat moves down (I think Thomas has been reading blogs--cat hair and Friskies crumbs on my keyboard), but I really like the word picture: "An hysteria of sparrows, commuting from one yard to the next."

Sioux said...

And a cool cat at that!

Miss Scarlet said...

Is Liza Bean after the Impala Shrimp Skewers?
Sx

Cloudia said...

Great last line, LOL


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Pseudo said...

Ah, I miss having a cat. Hubs is allergic ; -(

Pearl said...

You know, you'd think she'd be after the shrimp skewers but it's amazing how often she orders the tater tots...

Crystal Pistol said...

You were a cat in a previous life. I have no doubt of it. Miss Bean knows not what she is up against.

Fun read. :)

Laoch of Chicago said...

Every good bar needs a cat!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Haha Miss Bean has tremendously good bad-girl taste! I love me some Psycho Suzie's!!!! Tiki = heaven. :)

Antares Cryptos said...

You're being manipulated.

By a cat.

You'll never find out what she really wants.

Roses said...

Definitely make sure you've got bail money and a dime for the phone call.

Gigi said...

Don't leave your drink un-attended....I'm just sayin'....

Pat said...

I'm still trying to work out 'the inside elbow of the extended front leg.'
I need some cat anatomy.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Perhaps you and Liza can meet up with Drunk AC/DC Jukebox Man! You know you miss him.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I've been waiting and waiting, tapping my paw exthpectantly. I thtarting to think I've been thtood up.

Beach Bum said...

If anyone is looking for me later, I’ll be at the bar.

I would be there now but I work nights.

HermanTurnip said...

When I was a kid I shoved a potato into the exhaust pipe of a Corvette. I was certain that this daring maneuver would somehow stop the car from starting up. I waited and watched. Eventually the owner of the Corvette got into his car, started it up, and when he gunned the engine out shot my potato which was now on fire.

I thought to myself, "I wonder if a banana would have worked better?" I was a strange kid...

Deborah said...

LOL ... wonderful!!!1

Hospitable Scots Bachelor said...

"an hysteria of sparrows" - I love it!

Anonymous said...

(It's HoodyHoo, comments still hate me)

Calpurnia Jean was just complaining that she and I don't spend enough "couples time" together since we had the kittens... maybe we could double?

the walking man said...

Does that cat play jazz trumpet or just the night time strumpet?

NYEMT said...

Antares Cryptos said...
"You're being manipulated.
By a cat.
You'll never find out what she really wants."

Everyone who's ever shared space with ("owned" is a BIG stretch) a cat has been manipulated by one. Once you're used to it, you just let them do their thing and keep bail money around.

GREAT post, Pearl. :)

nursemyra said...

Very funny. As is Pat's joke.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I really miss owning a cat.