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Saturday, July 2, 2011

Metalheads Discovered in the Wild. Captive Metalheads Pump Fists in Jubilation.

In a discovery that both shocked and reassured headbangers around the world, metalheads, after being spotted for almost 20 years by only the very drunk, were once again found in the wild.

Lured out of hiding in a park in Berlin by strategically placed and seemingly “abandoned” bottles of Jack Daniels and sleeveless concert t-shirts, scientists hope to learn more about music fans long thought to be extinct in their natural habitat.

Dr. Brian “Brain” Danzig has been on the trail of the elusive “Metalhead” (Music Quisquiliarum) since a vision while listening to the band Overkill at a kegger in the mid-80s disrupted his plans for a career in orthodontia. “This discovery has everyone in academic circles talking. It’s like reeling in a coelacanth!”

“I have a million questions,” says Dr. Danzig. “For example, how are they getting by? That is, where are they working? I mean, how many Kinko’s and coffee shops can there be?”

Dr. Bruce “Yes, That’s My Real Name” Lee concurs. “Up until this discovery, we’d only had brief sightings – very, very late at night, you understand – in my garage, and only after certain parties. And now this! To know that they’re out there, really out there – oh, dude!”

And yet while they are, indeed, “out there”, a female has yet to be sighted.

“Where there are males, there are bound to be females,” enthused Dr. D. F. Geschwollenerkopf.

And while that may be true for most cultural subsets, the status of the metalheads has been in serious decline over the past decade, partly due to the very fact that there are so few females among them.

“We’ve found some very small Sepultura t-shirts and an empty bottle of black nail polish, but of course, those could be anybody’s. Until we find an actual female, I’m afraid we’re just speculating,” says Dr. Geschwollenerkopf.

Plans to lure female metalheads into the open with Malibu shooters and Marlboros Lights are underway.

24 comments:

Susan in the Boonies said...

You ran into an old friend from high school, didn't you?

Sioux said...

I guess the females got smart (or pregnant) but the men...sometimes they NEVER evolve past stupid...

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

There are no women, the men just clone themselves. No sane woman would get close enough to them.

Drake Sigar said...

Sausage fest.

liza said...

This is hilarious!! Thank you!

Daisy said...

:-D The females evolved ...

The Empress said...

What a great day for me to stop over.

I love the metalhead female lurebait.

xo

Doubting Thomas said...

Check the overpasses, and don't forget the Virginia Slims... they think they're "fancy"...

Joyful Things said...

They migrated to BC and live next door to me. You can't miss them - they all, including the kids, look like Dee Snider.

Pat Tillett said...

There would be more women, but they probably can't adhere to the dress code. If a girl doesn't think she looks good in black she's gotta find another niche...

Clipped Wings said...

Very cute. Fun read.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Mmmm...Malibu shooters. *flicks her Bic*
Do you know that, right at this very minute, I am on my way to a Kid Rock concert? You would know this if I could find you on Facebook. I bet you're all torn up that we're not Facebook friends. Lol

lisleman said...

another great one - you know the metalheads do NOT breed (at least not in a normal way) so there maybe no females.

Cheeseboy said...

Do you ever read Chuck Klosterman's stuff? This totally reminds me of a piece he would do. Very funny indeed!

Belle said...

"Where are they working?" I didn't know they worked.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Dudette, you rawk. Swollen head, indeed. --vanilla

Gigi said...

HA! Now you've got me remembering some metal-heads from high school.....yeah, no sane females hung out with them then either.

Jimmy said...

Excellent tale!

Leenie said...

I'm with Daisy...the females evolved, are wearing pantie hose and working in high rises.

Tempo said...

..and after metalheads I'd like you to look into Disco...is it really dead?
What of RapCrap is it too(as I dearly hope) long gone?
The questions, the questions! (will they never end)

Roses said...

Brilliant. Totally cracked me up.

I have with me here a baby metalhead rock chick. Black eye-liner and everything. She is the Boy's GF, they are well suited. In time, I might have baby metalheads...jeez that's a scary thought.

Happy Frog and I said...

Thank you for bring a big smile to my Sunday. Great stuff.

K A B L O O E Y said...

I've met some metalhead women, unless of course they were some elaborate costumed hoax, like bigfoot.

Eva Gallant said...

You do have a delightfully strange mind!