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Thursday, July 28, 2011

Is It Hot In Here? or Change?! Get Over Here – I’ll Give Ya Change.

I burst into flames at work yesterday.

Naturally, I was against it.

My feelings on the matter, however, amounted to nothing.

I’ve accommodated said spontaneous combustion with a fan at my desk. It’s an aspect not everyone can pull off, this sweaty-faced, hair-flying-about-the-head look, and of course I’m doing it with my usual grace.

In other words, I’ve taken to sulking.

The ice floe with my name on it – the one where the Tribe sets me loose knowing that I’ve started the downward slide into old age and will soon be good for nothing but gnawing walrus pelts into pliable softness – has been spotted.

Meanwhile, friends and family wave good-naturedly and assure me that the coast is lovely.

I have, in response, taken up free-style sweating.

And looking things up online.

Turns out everyday things like getting upset or being in a warm room can set off a hot flash. The mind swirls with variations on this theme as I contemplate the return of high heat and humidity to Minneapolis and its effect on my air conditioner, a machine affectionately known as “The Yeti” as it works best when surrounded by snow.

The truth is that I don’t do “crabby” very well and can be easily joshed out of a mood.

Which, of course, is infuriating.

I’ve told my friends that should they see me becoming crabby they should hold me down and brush my hair. Oh, sure, they all claim, laughingly, that they will do this; but when push comes to shove, very few people will actually grab a brush.

Argh. I can’t believe I have to groom myself out of this mood.

53 comments:

Shelly (La Tejana) said...

I have a friend who, when besieged by hot flashes, would want everyone else in the room to take off sweaters. coats, etc. or anything that looked hot to her. She couldn't stand other people being dressed warmly when she was sweating-
Shelly

Joshua said...

You need a four year old girl. She'll brush your hair without urging, and won't even notice the temperature increase. She'll also chatter your ear off, but you take what you can get, right?

Charlotte Ann said...

My hair hung in ringlets in the normal humidity. I could deal with the ringlets We have had a week straight of rain and my hair is a mass of fuzz....so now I have it wound up into a knot on my head not an attractive look for me. Could we please move into fall?

Pearl said...

Shelly, this makes total sense to me. :-)

Joshua, that makes me smile. Yes. I need a small child to do my bidding...

Charlotte Ann, I'm not sure fall will help, but as my mother likes to say, it couldn't hoit.

KaLynn ("MiMi") said...

Black cohash is helpful during this period of your life. Also freezer pillows. Or just standing in from of a freezer with the door open blowing the cold air on your face.

I often felt like just climbin in but thought that someone would come along and shut the door and then what would happen when all the ice melted and I couldn't get out to find anohter freezer. . . .

haphazardlife said...

Have you ever noticed the hot flashes never show up when you really need them? You know, like when you're standing in the slush waiting for the bus and it's -30 with the windchill.

Pearl said...

KaLynn, I'm there. Thanks for the advice!!

haphazardlife, ha! I can only hope...

The Jules said...

I'm encouraged by the physiological fact that consuming alcohol lowers your core body temperature. For this reason, drinking at work should now be a health and safety requirement during the summer.

Mention it to your bosses and I'm sure there'll be a well-stoccked mini-fridge at each desk by next monday.

savannah said...

here's my goofy solution that worked for me:

the york peppermint patty commercials. yes, i thought of those (and ate a one) and instantly i felt better. of course, i 'm still working on dealing with the weight gain, but hey, no more hot flashes... ;~) xoxoxoxo

Pearl said...

Jules, I am delighted. Delighted! Margaritas for everyone!

Savannah, oh, too funny. If I could also get the sensation of stnading atop a peak somewhere in the Himalayas, this would be optimal. :-)

aBroad said...

Muth** Fu*** Blog**** ate my reply :(

I repeat :
Stay away from M&Ms ..
Stop drinking wine....
Life will be boring but you might have less flashes that bring on those urges to slash and hack everyone close-by.
Love ... Cranky

Hospitable Scots Bachelor said...

Burst into flames, eh? I admire you. Usually I am content with smouldering resentfully!

Scarlet Blue said...

Oops...try again...
I am looking forward to the day when I have a good excuse for my crabiness.[I'm trying to put a positive slant on it!]
Sx

Robin said...

At least you're keeping you fabulous wit! Mine has been hosed by this freakin' change. Not happy.

George said...

I've heard that when alligators get crabby they roll them on their back and rub their bellies, or is that strippers? Either way, I hope they follow through with the hair brush for your sake.

That gentleman's lady said...

Not pleasant I bet :-/

I feel like I should me making note of all these recommendations for whenever the wildfire reaches me

Pearl said...

aBroad, that made me smile. :-)

Hospitable, normally I just chafe irritably, but I'm trying to better myself. :-)

Scarlet, I'm thinking of more fully exploring my crabbiness, maybe branching out in to "peevish" and "salty". :-)

Scarlet Blue said...

I am developing a shrewish pout. I look like I've been sucking on lemons.
Sx

Oilfield Trash said...

Chocolate always seems to work for me, maybe it can help you out.

Pearl said...

Robin, if I didn't laugh, I'd scream. Laughing's easier on my throat!

George, LOL! I'll try it at lunch and we'll see what happens. :-)

That gentleman's lady, I would! Your first bullet point should be "How come no one else notices that it's just too hot in here?" That will be your first clue. Look for it anywhere between 40 and 50...

Pearl said...

Scarlet, so you now look like Renee Zellweger?! :-)

OT, surely they make a chocolate beer by now?

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

Renee Zellweger. So funny.

Eva Gallant said...

I avoided caffeine (I used to drink tons of diet Coke) and found that I hardly had any hot flashes after that. Cold showers help, too, but they are harder to pull off at your desk in the middle of the workday!

Doubting Thomas said...

"Freestyle Sweating"... excellent. I think that is a collegiate sport here in Texas ;) To borrow from "Silence of the Lambs," it puts the brush in the bucket or it gets the hose...

Good luck finding a comfy ice floe!

jenny_o said...

It's equal parts fascinating and horrifying to me that having someone brush your hair is calming to you. Anyone touches my hair and I turn into a snarling grizzly bear. Add in a hot flash and no one is safe.

I think "when push comes to shove" (to quote your line) they're gonna push and shove you onto that ice floe. Probably without your hairbrush, even! That's what people who haven't experienced the hot flash do to us poor sufferers.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

So IS it the heat or is the CHANGE? I survived by having a glass of ice water handy at all times. Sometimes I drank it sometimes I threw it at people who annoyed me. Either way, it helped. The fan was always present as well.

Drake Sigar said...

I’m campaigning for spontaneous combustion, it’s not right to stifle the phenomena’s right to exist.

Lazarus said...

Pearl, there are reports of people really bursting into flames spontaneously, I'm sure you've heard. I burst into laughter spontaneously while reading your posts, this one included, very funny!

Kavi said...

Free style sweating...! Whoa ! thats some term to be used here !!

:)

Bouncin' Barb said...

I'm going on 51 in November so I'm waiting to see what happens. Although being on Zoloft may help me not get too much of the symptoms. I've heard these hot flashes can be brutal. Hope you're over them soon.

Belle said...

Funny post about a pain-in-the-ass subject!

Camille said...

Nothing works to stop hot flashes. Nothing. Wait - I lie. They will stop when that final bit of residual estrogen lurking in your system has been used up and is gone forever. You'll know this has happened because your boobs will immediately drop down to your waist. Practically overnight. Just saying. You're welcome. So glad I could help clear this up.

aBroad said...

Peevish and Salty eventually slide into Waspish and Shrewish .. be careful.

aBroad said...

One thing does stop hot flashes but the damn doctors won't let you stay on it forever ... various sorts of happy pills.. for women whose nerves are stretched a little farther than they should be .. It is sort of a toss up .. be a quiet spoken but smiling junkie or a viperish clear headed hot flasher .. it all sucks :(

Susan in the Boonies said...

As always,

I remain,

Your pal in flashiness,

Sooze

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I suggest:

1) Drive to that area near the airport
2) Get a frozen Sonic limeade (any flavour)
3) Suck that bastard down fast.
4) Voila! Internal A/C.

No? Damn.

kal said...

You should have seen how crabby I would get in a hot classroom in Sept or June. Is it cost effective to pay for air conditioning for the year when the school only uses it for a few months? YES. My comfort is paramount. You either want a grumpy polar bear or you want a less grumpy one. COOL ME DOWN!!! I't my fargin' constitutional right!! Stop oppressing me with your Socialist, Muslim high air temperature.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Pearl, I did taste chocolate beer at a brewery in Portland, Oregon. Sorry it's a bit far for you. It wasn't so good anyway...I love the term "free-style sweating." Only you could make sweating sound kind of sexy-trendy.
Hang in there, hot lady!
xoRobyn

Gigi said...

Another classic, my friend. And thanks for reminding me that all this fun is just around the corner for me....as if I'm not already crabby enough. I don't know if the boys will be able to handle it.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Ah, if only it was a FLASH. It would then come and go quickly. *snap!* You'd hardly even notice.
But, alas, no. It is a slow burn, the rotisserie of the fifties as a woman. Starts somewhere in the gut and slowly, inexorably consumes the body from the inside out.
Spontaneous combustion, indeed.

The Elephant's Child said...

Go see Menopause the Musical. Made me laugh, made me wince in recognition, made my eyes leak and what they have done to some familiar tunes is magic.

Pat said...

Is HRT allowed over there? Hormone replacement therapy.

Leenie said...

HRT is a good answer. I know, I know, there was some kind of study that said it would kill you or give you a terminal illness. But then, life is a terminal illness. Might as well enjoy the ride. My Dr. said the new info says HRT is okay so I'd get some of those fried green tomato HORMONES quick. TAWANDA! They work good.

Cloudia said...

um HELLO!

Looks like 40 people want to groom you calm!!!

LOL

Aloha from Waikiki;


Comfort Spiral

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River said...

Quite by accident I found that if I consumed much less, (MUCH, MUCH LESS), chocolate and coffee, my hot flashes were reduced both in frequency and intensity. It didn't take long to get used to having less and now my one cup a day is a treat instead of just another coffee.

R. Jacob said...

and all along I thought nylons and chocolate were the ways to a woman's heart. a brush? who knew!

Kristy said...

Oh, how much better my life would be if people could brush my hair. You are onto something there. I am going to start paying my son for it.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Have you tried cold water yet?

Lazarus said...

I was half expecting a standard bear/bar joke (I have three of them) but I know that's not your style and you didn't disappoint, this was funnier!

Cake Betch said...

The dreaded CHAAAANGE. I don't know about the weather there, but it's hot as fucking balls here (which = real hot). And muggy too, so when you step outside all of your clothes are immediately shrink wrapped to your body. Then you smell funny. Or at least I do.

DebH said...

Ok..found you on Best Blogs and I am so excited!! Seriously, you are going to be a read I will so enjoy.. and for that I THANK YOU!! Keep it coming!!

Mrs. Tuna said...

Yeah well, try living in Phoenix and approaching 50. You can't tell where the hot flashes stop and the weather begins. New follower from the blog hop, here's hoping you'll follow back since I'm on a mad quest for more followers.

Miss Footloose | Life in the Expat Lane said...

Don't worry about being on an ice floe. Global warming will take care of them.