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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Great Blizzard of '11, or I Won't Have to Microwave my Co-Workers if I Lay in My Supply Now

I’ve got two cans of soup in my desk drawer.

I told Sandra the other day that if she should ever be stranded in this skyscraper of a building, I’ll bet there’s all kinds of goodies in them thar offices.

She laughed because she thinks I’m kidding.

She’s cute like that.

Me? I’m not that kind of cute and I'm not kidding. I have two cans of the aforesaid soup, seven pairs of shoes (U.S. size 7 ½, aka “38” in Europe and “5” in the UK, if anyone wants to work out the ninja-style attack methods best suited for a small-ish heel), a stack of mismatched take-out napkins, a list of the new songs I need for my iPod, and a small hill of salt and pepper packets.

I also have a five-year I-can’t-believe-you-still-work-here glass sculpture that could double as a weapon.

Those who know me well know that I have a wide morbid streak. While others see bucolic, tree-lined country roads, for example, leading no doubt to a lovely encounter with a doe and her fawn, I see ancient and possibly angry trees leaning over paths that eventually lead one to a man who will tie you up and make stringy yet flavorful jerky out of you.

Or show you the way back in to town. Some days, I could go either way.

With that in mind, I have an emergency plan for my being stranded in an office tower. (Please note that this plan has me alone, for some reason. The plan that includes co-workers is pretty much the same, minus the screaming. I do have a reputation to uphold, you know.)

Day One starts with screaming. Lots and lots of screaming. Possibly some running up and down the halls. Then I take a nap, followed by looking for a breath mint. I check out all the fridges, carefully propping open the doors to the staircases that lead to other floors.

Then I take another nap.

Actually, that’s all I’ve got, the screaming and the napping. I have resolved, however, to lay in a couple more provisions, including a fresh change of undies and some tinted moisturizer.

I’m going to want to look refreshed for when they interview my thankful self on the Today Show.

43 comments:

Joshua said...

I have an apocalypse plan. It includes stealing a school bus, hitting the national guard armory three miles away, and then the grocery store.

Shelly said...

This made me laugh. I actually have a survival backpack in my classroom we were given in case my students and I should ever need to survive together more than 55 minutes at a time. It has protein bars in it so hard the eater would probably break a tooth. Canned soup sounds much better.

Drake Sigar said...

So you’re MacGyver’s daughter.

Simply Suthern said...

No digging in and staying put. You got to move to survive. The way out is always the elevator shafts or duct work. Dont you watch the movies?

Jumping out the window works to but it makes blogging afterwards a bit difficult.

Glen said...

The plan is good. If you look under the empty desks you might find some gym bags. Have a rummage through those - they might have some fresh undies in them, or at least a towel and some deodorant, you can always turn your undies inside out to lengthen their lifespan.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Canned soup is only good if you rememebered the can opener and the spoon. You DID remember the can opener didn't you? lol The only thing I have stockpiled anywhere is toilet paper, kleenex and paper towels. One ugly emergency would wipe the whole thing out pretty quickly.

Ali - My Suitcase Full of Tricks said...

Pearl, you NEVER cease to make me laugh. I've got a pack of pop tarts, 3 packs of Ramen noodles, two cans of Progresso soup, a can of pineapple, some microwave popcorn and some croutons from Wendy's. We could live for weeks on that!

jabblog said...

Nothing bad is ever going to happen to me so I have no emergency supplies:-))

Pat said...

Can opener?

Oilfield Trash said...

A nap does sound good.

Sioux said...

How about that pesky book you've told yourself you're going to read, but you've never gotten around to it? You could read to change things up between screaming sessions and naps.

Joyful Things said...

I fill my desk drawers with all kinds of survival foods but sadly have eaten them by the end of the day. Good thinking on the preparedness for the TV cameras though!

Eva Gallant said...

My first thought was, does she have a can opener to go with those cans of soup?

Matthew MacNish said...

Tinted moisturizer, eh? That's very interesting. Where are you, IDS?

jenny_o said...

I have the same inclination, especially when packing. My suitcase weighs more than I do. (I don't fly so the weight doesn't matter, as long as I have a big person around to move it.) Emergency food, emergency weapons, extra undies - check, check, annnnd check.

Doubting Thomas said...

Seems like everyone has seen the same horror movie enough to know that the heroine doesn't have a can opener for the chunky chicken noodle soup!

My desk drawer usually contained various Snickers, Milky Ways, etc... I had a sweet tooth, and I figured in case of the apocalypse I'd need the energy to kick some zombie butt! :)

mrwriteon said...

Trapped in an office tower wouldn't be too bad. I've always wondered about those people trapped in an elevator for 3 days. Where do they ...? No, I don't really want to go there.
Anyway, it sounds like you're well provided for in the case of catastrophe. Smart planning.

Susan in the Boonies said...

You have NEVER struck me as having a morbid streak! But if what you say is true, then The Boonies would scare the devil right out of you. There's not a doubt in my mind that some of my neighbors make stringy - yet flavorful - jerky. Of what? Who can say? But some of those folks YOU ride the bus with? Now, they scare ME!

Wow, that was awkward said...

I'm sure you will be hearing from Cormac McCarthy regarding the book and movie rites.

Leenie said...

Where has everybody been? Any soup can under two years old comes with a pop top. Of course if the can is older than that you may need to pack some pepto tablets.

I'm stashing chocolate covered raisins and tootsie rolls. Good for food and also looks like poo so you can scare away thieves by putting them around your desk.

lisleman said...

What a jerk to make jerky out of travelers. Like the troll under the bridge.
Your plan is - hmm - ah - a plan.
Oh I kept a good supply of ketchup packets in my work area along with plastic wear.

Kara said...

I fully understand the screaming, the napping, and the breath mints - but why prop open the doors to the stairwells? I mean, won't that let in the vicious mutants that roam the dark streets below?!

Crystal Pistol said...

Nothin' like a fresh change of undies.

Belle said...

You could always eat your co-workers. :) Great post, and I love the part about screaming and running around. My 84 year-old mom will be well fed in an emergency. She hoards food - it is everywhere in her little apartment and storage locker. I'm afraid I'd have to eat the dogs and cats and later move on to humans.

aBroad said...

Be sure you have lots of batteries .. you never know when you will need more light, music, whatever .. I mean, if you are stranded, why?
I would prefer to be stranded alone, wouldn't you? Anyone else would end up getting on your nerves ... looking at you like you might be tasty ... You never know.

aBroad said...

Ha ! I see what Belle posted above me, don't get stranded with her !! she would look at you like you are tasty !! :)

IndigoWrath said...

I do not stash, hoard or accumulate.

But I always keep a liiiiil' bit of stuff in my drawer. You know. For peckishness.

Gigi said...

LOL! Of course a guy (Glen) would tell you to turn your undies inside out!

I figure I'd better get stranded alone - because I have a feeling that any co-workers stuck with me for more than 8 hours will be looking to take me out before the 10th hour.

Jonas said...

I come here for the humor and the helpful hints: (You could always eat your co-workers...).

I generally walk away satisfied.

KAL said...

I have this image of you leaving the snow bound building to get supplies while wearing spoons on your feet like Tweety Bird when he had to go out for more bird seed.

Fragrant Liar said...

Don't forget deodorant and maybe a kitty cat (you know the ones) to keep you company till the cavalry arrives.

HermanTurnip said...

In my desk drawer at work I have a warm 6-pack of Big Red, a half-eaten Powerbar, a signed photo of the old surfer Corky Carroll, a cassette tape of Agent Orange's "Living In Darkness" (you can take it from my cold dead fingers), and an unopened 24 count of Top Ramen noodles. Yes sir, I'm set for the end times.

Lazarus said...

Pearl, you are truly witty and entertaining. I loved the "stringy jerky" line. I love your writing and the last thing I want to do is be a downer with a comment, but I must say this. I was in downtown NYC on 9-11 and was haunted for years with nightmares of skyscraper catastrophes. This may sound weird, but I'm actually kind of happy that people can have them in a generic sense without being terrified anymore of the actual events. Maybe we're moving on. I'm not sure, but hope so. In any event, I loved your take on it, you've moved beyond, good clean American fun, thanks for being you!

That Janie Girl said...

You planner girl, you.

I'm jealous.

I definitely fly by the (honking huge) seat of my pants.

Antares Cryptos said...

Sounds like you got any emergency covered.

Exchange Hosting Service said...

I'm jealous!

Symdaddy said...

Cans of soup?

OK, well and good.

They'd better be ring-pill cans cos you ain't got a can opener!

River said...

I don't understand the 7 pairs of shoes. You should replace those with more soup and possibly some canned fruit for variety. Forget the kitty someone else mentioned, he'd need feeding. There goes your soup.

Tempo said...

What...no weapons? How are you going to catch and kill animals for food if you dont have weapons Pearl...and you have to watch for bears...

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hahaha, man I hate when some guy wants to make flavourful jerky out of you. It's so INCONVENIENT! :) I worked on the 12th floor in a NYC skyscraper for years and my desk was similar to yours to an alarming degree. Various shoes, spare jacket, broken umbrellas, emergency snacks. You never know when the zombie apocalypse will occur and I wanted to be ready. That broken umbrella could totally poke a zombie in the brain with a little unbridled violent intent! :)

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

I work on the 25th floor. My coworkers and I - the braintrust - have an escape plan with supplies that include rope, harnesses and helmets. No lie.

Pat Tillett said...

I have a plan also. I will be armed and more than willing to take the provisions of others.

Your plan sounds pretty good, but what how will defend yourself against the zombies?

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Now you've got me wondering if there are enough crumbs in the Momvan for me to survive alone for a couple of days...