I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Welcome to the Satellite Simba

Post-boxing career, the doorman working the front of the casino eagerly awaits his next opportunity to be of service.

The doorman's name?

Mao.

“Welcome,” Mao says. “Welcome.” It sounds an awful lot like he’s saying “Meow, meow,” but that’s to be expected. The doorman's a cat, after all, and as an ex-boxer he’s taken more than one blow to the head.

And then there were the drugs, of course, but even without them, language was never his strong suit.

“I been here since, what?, oh-five? oh-six? I can’t bemember.”

Mao can’t bemember because the catnip that ended his career – the explosively addictive “Meowie Wowie” – has reduced this hulking, semi-literate knuckle of a cat to a hulking, semi-brain-damaged knuckle of a cat.

Mao rocks from one hind leg to the other, thoughtfully, his shining emerald eyes on the front door. His front paws dangle heavily as a smile forms, the result of my question.

“Do I regret the drugs? No – I mean, yeah. Sure I do.”

He sighs, wistfully. “I miss them old days.”

Plucked, passed out and crawling with fleas, from the parking lot of a convenience store on the outside of Las Vegas in 2005, the sympathetic owner of Satellite Simba gave Mao a job, a small room off the kitchen, and a tux.

Mao has never looked back.

“I can’t undo what’s happened, ya know? I can only live for –" He steps forward to open the door for a group of under-dressed young women. "Welcome! Welcome!”

Mao has not missed a minute of work since his first day on the job and can now say “welcome” in several languages.

“Selamat Datang!” he exclaims, reading from where he has the word inked onto his palm. “That’s my favorite “welcome” word. Those Malaysians, they heavy gamblers, man. I like them. You ask them, they tell you: they look for me. They know Mao gonna treat 'em right.”

Mao smiles sweetly.

“You come back, any time," he says. "I’ll bemember you ‘cause that’s what I do – I just bemember the customers." Mao opens the door again and a group of smiling tourists enter.

"Welcome! Welcome!”

31 comments:

Julia said...

Did you win anything???

Bossy Betty said...

I like Mao.

Sioux said...

Mao sounds like the kind of doorman that would give residents a catscratch fever of a good time.

This was a "tail" I could really dig my claws into...

mybabyjohn said...

I think I'll bemember this one for a while.

Pearl said...

I'm gettin' experimental over here...

Daisy said...

Great story Pearl!

Drake Sigar said...

I can’t bemember the last time I chuckled so heartily. No wait, it was last Thursday. Frasier was on TV.

Shelly said...

I literally laughed out loud (and it's much more satisfying to write it out than just abbreviate LOL). I like that Mao-

Eva Gallant said...

I hope Mao isn't expected to be a bouncer as well; he's such a pussy!

jenny_o said...

"...and a tux" - feline colour pattern? or am I reading too much into that? You'll have to excuse my kitteh-addled mind.

Nice job!

Oilfield Trash said...

Seems like a decent person to me.

lisleman said...

cats and gambling - that's a good mix.
What does Mao think of rolling snake eyes or being a lucky cat. Since he works the door at a casino he must not be a black cat.

Douglas said...

And he works cheap... which means some other punch drunk ex-boxer of the human persuasion won't have that job available. You sure that cat didn't sneak in from Canada?

Mustang Sally said...

Great story. We have a nip head here, but he's a lover not a fighter ;) “Meowie Wowie” LOL

powdergirl said...

"Knuckle of a cat", hah, I like that! I've got a pair of the most sadistic and disdainful felines living here, rent-free, of course,they own the place after all. They lack the coarse but warm social graces of your Mao.
They treat the whole "You for me" thing with absolutely *zero* noblesse oblige. Of course, who know's how Mao behaves at home?
I gotta go, Gracie's sitting on the couch tinkling a bell very irritably, my call to service. Damn cats.

Pearl said...

:-) I can see I'm going to have to figure out more about Mao...

Pinkie still taped to its neighbor, by the way, although far from swollen now and almost a normal color (hurt it at a serving job on Saturday). Like typing with a hoof...

Heather Jenkins said...

That catnip is bad stuff. I know a couple of recovering addicts and their post-nip days are filled with long naps followed by aimless wandering and occasional hallucinations of bugs, birds, and the po-po. Glad Mao was able to kick it, too. Stories like his should give us all paws... Heh.

Leenie said...

Meowie Wowie--LOL. I've tried buying the stuff lately for Thomas. (I know, I know I'm an enabler.) Can't find that green weed on any of local store shelves. I may have to suck it up and try the big box Petco. Or just ask on the street.

Glen Staples said...

more mao now :-)

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Look at Pearl, gettin' all creative (again.) This enters into fiction. Fan-flippin-tastic!
I lost a follower somehow today Pearl. Hold me.
Lol

Gigi said...

I know a few like Mao....sweet but not quite all there. Makes me wonder if they've been dabbling in the Meowie-Wowie......

Good stuff, Pearl!

Pat said...

I'm beginning to see the neighbour's cats that invade my garden in a whole new light. I do have the catnip.

Bushman said...

Damn cats anyways nothing but trouble!!
Do you know who Pat McManus is?
You remind me a a lot of his writing. Which I love by the way!

River said...

Love the Mao story and I'm glad he got rescued to live another life.

HermanTurnip said...

Now that's the kind of doorcat one needs at a fine establishment...

Fresh Garden said...

Meow~ Meow~ I'm that cat. Meow~

Anonymous said...

I love the fact that you take the time to get to know the colourful characters in your neighbourhood.

Please don't tell me Liza and Dolly use Mao to score the occasional baggie of Catnip? I'd be very concerned.

Roses
xx

the walking man said...

Cool that someone took a chance and gave old Mao a job but I wouldn't ask him where the loosest dealer is.

lesinfin said...

Every time I come by here I feel like we have more in common. I love talking cats (and talking animals in general) but especially talking cats. They're insanely fun! (And I've been reading Kafka on the Shore which has some pretty interesting ones!) Much enjoyed stopping by, as always :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

Dar said...

Very creative, Mao is one fine cat!
BlessYourHeart

Susan in the Boonies said...

For some of us, it was the sixties that were bery, bery good to us.

For Mao, it was the aughts. Aught Five, Aught Six.

He might oughtta missed the Aughts.