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Thursday, June 30, 2011

In Lieu of a Raise, Please Accept This Gift of a Genuine Ballpoint Pen

And now, a brief note from our CEO and President, your friend and mine, Randolph T. Freakly the Third.

Take it away, Randolph.


Hi, Team!

Fiscal Year '11 has closed, the end of the first quarter is nigh, and once again we’ve reached the time of year when we contemplate the possibility of a pay increase.

Let us contemplate that together, shall we?

“Raise”: the word looks friendly, doesn’t it? Don’t let it fool you, though. The raise is not your friend! Why be hassled with the possibility of jumping into another tax bracket? Why worry about what to do with that extra cash? And consider this: the phonetic spelling of the word “raise” is “raze”, which, unbeknownst to many, is a word meaning “to tear down”. And isn’t that awful? Why would you want anything to do with a word like that?

No, sir. Not for my employees! Why, you people are like family to me!

And that’s why, this year, there will be no so-called “raises”.

The very idea is insulting.

No, sir. This year, I want you to get back to me – take your time! – and let me know: What can the Executive Team here at Acme Grommets and Sprockets give you in lieu of money, vacation time, increased medical or dental insurance, or other purported “benefits”?

Want one of us to change your car’s oil? Need someone to address your holiday cards? Clean your catbox? Visit your mother? What say I drop by your house later and brush your hair? These are the kinds of things we’re willing to do to keep you satisfied, motivated, and, with any luck, quiet, here at Acme Grommets and Sprockets.

Remember: my door is always open, my ear’s always available, and my lawyer’s on retainer.

Best of wishes from Your Pal in the Corner Office,

Randolph T. Freakly the Third

41 comments:

Audubon Ron said...

Management would be a great job, if it weren't for the people.

Give me the damn ball point pin back and be thankful I didn't stick it in your eye.

Sincerely,

Randolph T. Freakly the Third

P.S. I'm calling Donald Trump to call you and give you the bad news.

Pearl said...

Audubon Ron, it'll be my second brush with fame, right after standing next to Lemmy Kilmeister once. :-)

Simply Suthern said...

At the place I used to work they threatened a layoff and no raises. To quell the grumblings they emailed everyone the story of "The bird that didnt fly south for the winter". A nice little tale with a couple morals with one that said keep your mouths shut.

Pearl said...

Simply, really?! This isn't the first corporation I've worked for and have been in the full-time workforce since 19 and I still can't get over how little the worker means in the majority of businesses...

Susan in the Boonies said...

Spin!!!!

It's all about the way you spin it, ain't it?

What do you mean, no?

Sioux said...

I recently spoke to a teacher from a poor district in Rhode Island. At the beginning of the year, her principal gave her A pencil. That was the extent of her supplies for the year. I am assuming she made sure she had a desk drawer that locked, so she could keep that pencil secured.

Things are tight, but people are not valued. Corporations steamroll over the lackeys; we're all dispensable and replaceable.

Leenie said...

Raise? Benefits? Ferin words to me who get shorted on hours so the boss can call me "part time" and therefore sneak around such things.

jenny_o said...

I'd seriously consider the cat box cleaning if it was on offer to me, especially if it included the floor surrounding the box.

By which I mean, one of our cats has taken to standing on the edge and missing. I could get on board with this offer.

Great post!

Eva Gallant said...

A sad commentary on corporate America.

Oilfield Trash said...

I am not sure why, but I was picturing a younger Monty Burns when I read this.

Mamma has spoken said...

We are having the same problem here in our area, even with the school board. We are no longer people, but a means to make them look better. Hubby was let go AFTER he came back with a promise that it was to be permitted this time. Turns out their goal was to get a department organized, he did, and then let go so that they could hire someone who was cheaper.
Bastards.

Glen said...

They could clean my fridge. I'd take that

Joyful Things said...

I work for a company that sells the trinkets and trash that the corporate world give to their employees. A customer came in to buy Christmas gifts for his employees and he chose - get this - luggage tags! Luggage tags for people who's pay scale was so low that they couldn't afford the suitcase let alone the trip. At least with a pen you can write your "I Quit" letter.

Matthew MacNish said...

Hah! And what exactly do you do here?

Pat said...

I hope your pensions are sacrosant.

Pearl said...

There are no pensions -- as a matter of fact, I'm not sure I know anyone who will get a pension...

And for those wondering, I was an executive assistant until a couple years ago and am work with a sales database with some light analysis thrown in to keep me on my toes...

Bossy Betty said...

Squealing with delight! Getting my hairbrush ready....

R. Jacob said...

You got a pen? We didn't get no stinkin pen. Just some badges!
and they took my shoes... said I didn't need them anymore because I wouldn't be able to walk when I got done with the motivational training course. Lieu rhymes with sue?

Joshua said...

It's like when my work as popsicle parties. I'm like, "Dude, I have a freezer full of those damn things. That's cheap."

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Nowadays they hire everyone contract so they don't have to provide pensions and benefits.

Douglas said...

My office manager (2nd level of management) called me into his inner sanctum and asked me "What management job would you like?" I sat and seemed to ponder for a minute and then said, brightly, "Yours." He misunderstood the joke, of course, as such people are wont to do. He then said, "You would make a great supervisor, just look at who your peers would be" thinking he was making a great point.

I responded with, "Exactly... just look at who I would be associated with."

I thanked him for thinking of me and quickly left his office. I always suspected they wanted to promote me so I would be easier to fire... no pesky union.

Pat Tillett said...

It could have been worse. They could have handed out laptops. Sounds nice at first, but then you can (and will be expected) to answer all emails (and respond to them) while "off the clock." Plus, won't it feel good to get an early start on thomorrow's work, the night before (at home)? Don't ever trust a boss bearing gifts...especially electronic gifts!

"GB" said...

Typical!

Margaret said...

Dear Boss: Thank you for always thinking of our best interests. Might I propose, instead of razes (very well noted, sir), that you consider charging us for parking, since it would be so much healthier for us to walk or bike to work. Plus, we could always take the bus, which would be so green, and I do know how you like your green.

Cake Betch said...

You know, honestly I might go for that. Someone could mow my lawn, clean my toilets, scrape the crud out from under my fingernails... that might be actually okay.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

I am with Susan - it's all about the spin, isn't it? I work in communications and have to spin such b.s. In fact, I've been spinning for - ahhhh! What?! 15 yrs. Kill me now.

Ms Sparrow said...

You truly have your finger on the pulse of the business world!

Pearl said...

Ms. Sparrow, I'm taking their pulse while their hands are around my neck!

Daisy said...

Not much to add except that the middle class is heading toward serfdom and slavery while the multi national corporations obtain more and more power. Gov't, which is IMNSHO, supposed to be protecting the "Commons" and the People, is enslaved to the rich and powerful. We need to reform our electoral system to a proportional representative method and also make it possible/easy for all people to run for office. How can there be fairness for the majority of people if we are ruled by millionaires?

http://youtu.be/GEYwVb-6TeE

Linda O'Connell said...

In the 1980's an educator in a college business course said, "You all fear communism or our goevernment taking over America? Folks, in the year 2000, you will bow your knees to big business, and corporate America will rule. Buy yourself a piece of land so you can build houses for your extended families, when you all lose your jobs."
That old gal knew her stuff.

Leslie said...

So true.

Antares Cryptos said...

They stopped engraving those pens a while back.

Belle said...

I've always been happy my husband is in a union. He was offered management but turned them down because they are so horrible. When he would save the company tons of money they would give him a hat. I told him I would have held out for the $5.

aBroad said...

Pearl !! Pearl !! my son used to hang out with Lemmy !!

I tried to pay someone to visit my mom, they refused ..

Lazarus said...

Pearl, a funny parody but, unfortunately, it rings true. You should write for "The Office" (as well as "The Bus Commuter"). Get those sitcom muscles flexing!

W.C.Camp said...

Make sure you fully declare that windfall profit of a FREE pen. Sorry but the IRS deserves a piece of your hide too! W.C.C.

River said...

Eff that!! Give me the raise!
Or buy me a house...

Laoch of Chicago said...

Fortunately the hair brushing scheme is not in the least bit creepy!

the walking man said...

This pretty accurately describes the new American workers model of prosperity. Of course if they show up on time cleaning up the litter box and yard of dog poop might qualify as a benefit for which you have to be taxed ergo that one is off the table.

GYPSYWOMAN said...

been there and been done that - all of that - yeah, been on the OTHER side of that desk, too! yeah, the management one [please don't bar me from blogland - i won't ever go back there!] - great commentary, lady - great!

Brigid Daull Brockway said...

I once worked for a company that gave out pens as a Christmas bonus one year. Not pens AND a Christmas bonus, pens AS a Christmas bonus. I'd never come so close to stabbing someone with a pen in my life. Which is saying something - pens are my weapon of choice.