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Saturday, June 18, 2011

I'm Full of Ideas, You Know

I have a friend who, having started an exercise regime a couple years ago, is in love with her new-found muscles.

“Here,” she grunts, pushing her belly forward, “Punch me. Feel those muscles. Go ahead. Punch me.”

Who can pass up such a situation? Lots of people, as it turns out. No one wants to punch a woman in the stomach, even if she is specifically requesting it and pushing her tensed muscles toward you.

OK. It’s not a friend of mine. It’s me. And I sheepishly acknowledge that, having rediscovered my physical self two years ago, I may have flexed for a few people.

Ahem.

See, I’ve always been good at exercising my brain, but my body? Left to my own devices, I am not the woman to go running the paths around the lakes. I admire those people, I’ve wanted to be one of those people, but running? Like being chased by two puppies in a gunny sack, if you follow my meaning.

Which got me to thinking.

Is there a card for this, for people in the throes of changing how they see themselves?

“Congratulations on having discovered your body! I hope you two are very happy together.” And then you open it up. “Now stop challenging me to drunken push-ups.”

Why not?

I’m not the only one, of course. I honestly did have a friend who used to show me how her personal coach made her do lunges. There she’d be, showing me her lunges, lunging from one end of the yard to the other, demonstrating how her thigh is parallel to the ground, when to inhale, when to exhale.

So yes. I am aware of how dull “check out my new muscles” can be; and I’ve personally declared, here and publicly, that enough is enough.

I hereby recognize and concede that I will no longer – even when drunk! – challenge people to The Arm-Wrestling Champeenship of the World.

Which is why I think there should be a card involved. You know, just to get it out of the way, a formal acknowledgment that yes, cool that you’re working out; yes, I see that your pants are looser; yes, your egg-white-and-wheat-germ omelet recipe sounds intriguing; and yes, they’re doing wonderful things with soy these days.

Outside of the card: “I hear you’re not eating gluten!” Inside of the card: “Can I have it?”

You know, I’m just full of ideas, all day long.

I’m not saying they’re good ideas. I’m just saying I’m full of them.

30 comments:

Glen said...

The idea is good -- I'm in! I could do with a "Well done on reaching goal love - now can we go out for pizza?" card

Eva Gallant said...

I cannot believe you are that person. You do not convey that in your posts. Now I have to admire you mentally AND physically, in a totally non-sexual way, of course. (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Barbara Shallue said...

This cracked me up because I, too, discovered my body a couple of years ago and I'm sure people are tired of all the advice I'm quick to hand out on how they they can 'discover' theirs. Congratulations by the way, and I love the card idea!

Joyful Things said...

I once encouraged (bullied) someone into pinching my tight "been to the gym" bum. In a bar I proved that I could still hook my heels on the back of my head and, thankfully, at this years New Years party when asked to leg wrestle I declined. Make the cards - I will buy them. Maybe you could start a Humiliation Series of cards for me to give the masses who had to be witness to my craziness.

Susan in the Boonies said...

~snort~

"I hear you're not eating gluten. Can I have it?"

Oh, my gosh, call the greeting card company TODAY!!!!!!!! I know 5 people right now I'd send it to!!!

People can do that to us as we whittle away at our butter and salt consumption.

PHOOEY!!!

lisleman said...

feel free to use my "fat ass donuts" on any of your cards.
arm wrestling - now there is a sport you don't see much - well I don't but then since I refused to watch reality TV I don't know about reality.
I have not taken a good stomach punch since I was a kid - good thing my grandson doesn't read your blog.

Ann Imig said...

I just want to be able to touch my toes.

Love,
Ann

mybabyjohn said...

I discovered mine too....I discovered it went from a size 9 to a size 1X...I discovered it hurts in a whole lot of places I didn't even know I had...I discovered it is a whole lot older than it used to be. Some discoveries you can live without, you know?

That Janie Girl said...

How about a card that says "Since I've starting taking probiotics, my bowel movements are much better looking?"

Okay.

Just a thought.

C... said...

There's a market for everything. You can even create your own store at Etsy LOL

Audubon Ron said...

I'd punch you in the stomach. Ask me. Ask me.

Andrew said...

And bless you for it!
You know, I'm the same way -- always coming up with ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

jabblog said...

Well done! I really should but I know I won't. My exercise is walking and swimming - oh, and housework, occasionally. (very occasionally)

jenny_o said...

They've got a card for just about anything - this idea is better than a lot I have seen. Can you make sure there are chimpanzee pictures involved?

Shelly said...

Ohhhh- I recognize myself all through this. Except it is often others who try to get me to perform like a trained seal. "Go ahead, Shelly, show (so and so) how you can do (x number) of pushups."

Please, count me in on your customer list when you make the cards.

Irish Gumbo said...

Full of something, for sure ;)

I exercise so as to keep ze girlish figure! Hehe.

No, I don't. Drat.

Leenie said...

So glad you're full of it. Makes your blog always worth a stop. (cheezy smile) If there aren't cards for that event there should be. And you've already come up with at least two winners. Call Hallmark!

Pat said...

I still cringe when I recall demonstrating that I could stand on my head to a friendly Greek courier on a Greek beach - in a bikini. Sober.

Gigi said...

The things I've discovered about my body lately aren't nearly as fascinating as yours....but then I don't actually *exercise* my body. That might be part of the problem. Hmmmm....

Clipped Wings said...

You are full of it in a lovely way, lol. I always enjoy reading your posts. I've had to start pedaling a bike to build up my knee muscles, but it is so borrowing. I need to figure out a way to do it in my sleep.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I'd buy stacks of that card. Seriously.

River said...

I'd love to rediscover my body, but she's been so long gone I may have to instigate a "missing persons" investigation.

Officer: when did you last see her?
Me: approximately 30 years ago.

Daisy said...

:-D REALLY?????

hocam said...

I think I need to rediscover my body...not that it's hard to lose it. Everyone warned me everything would go south with the passing years. They forgot to mention it would also go east and west!

Tempo said...

A leaner, meaner Pearl The Invincible! (please dont hit me)

Powdered Toast Man said...

Can I punch you in the stomach? I've always wanted to do that. I'm full of not-so-good ideas too. Maybe we can combine our ideas and make a good one.

Roses said...

I hope by the end of this year to have a body that I too can say 'feel these abs'.

Currently, it's feel this flab.

Oh yeah and Someecards would love to hear from you.

http://apps.facebook.com/someecards/?action=start&&ref=bookmarks

ellen abbott said...

I know, I know! I'm so there. I worked out at a gym for about 7 years and I loved the muscles. so saggy underarms for this granny! but then I moved to a small town and the gym at the junior college was only open for residents at inconvenient times. now my hard stomach, finely sculpted calves and muscular arms are only a memory.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Physical fitness is definitely one of the more annoying religions for people to find. I used to get unsolicited diet advice when I went to the gym and finally said to one woman, "You know, just because I'm fat doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing."

Cake Betch said...

I'm real jealous of you because it doesn't matter how much work I put in or how well I eat (which is probably not as well as I think) I've never had a tight stomach. It's flabby and jiggles for like 10 minutes after its been slapped. Yah, I have people slap my belly. It's like the opposite of what you're doing.
"Look how fat my belly is! Slap it!"